Page 87 of Pain
"Do you have a minute before you have to leave?" Matt took a deep breath, trying not to appear as upset as he was.
"Sure, what's up?" Xander stepped out of the bathroom.
Matt stared at Xander's chest, following the patterns of his tattoos as he tried to think. "Katie called me about Faith's family session later this week."
"Is Faith okay?" Xander stepped closer, his voice edged with concern.
"She's okay. It's just that, I guess Faith asked that I don't go to the family session this week. She asked that you go instead."
"Oh." Xander nodded. "And that didn't sit well with you."
"No, not at all. I mean I know you and her talk. Hell, from day one she's talked to you more than she talks to me, but now it's with counseling too?"
Xander ran his hand through his still wet hair. "I didn't know she was going to do this. She mentioned that she was ready to talk about what happened after the kidnapping, but I thought she was going to do that with you."
"I'd like to think she would."
Xander nodded. "Have you talked to her about it?"
"No, what am I supposed to say? Tell her she hurt my feelings and make her feel worse, or tell her she's not allowed to do it without me there? There isn't anything I can say to her, but I needed to say it to you because I just don't understand."
"It's complicated." Xander rubbed a hand over his chest.
Matt's temper flared. "She's my daughter, yet you're the one she talks to. You're the one she asks to sit in on her therapy sessions. How do you think that makes me feel?" Matt glared at him.
"What do you want me to do? Tell her no? I know this isn't right and it's not normal, but for some reason, she feels she can talk about it with me. I don't know why," Xander lied. He knew exactly why, but he wasn't sure he was ready to bring his past up with Matt. "She's trying to protect you."
"Why me and not you?" Matt threw his hands up. "Why can't she tell me all this?"
Xander gripped his beard, tugging hard against it, closing his eyes as he tilted his head back, taking a moment to think. Finally, he looked back at Matt. "She talks to me because I told her I understand her, I know what she's been through."
"So do I. I've seen the pictures, read the reports." Matt started to pace.
"No, you're not understanding." Xander took a deep breath. "I understand what she is feeling because when I was her age the same thing was happening to me. I literally understand. Iknowwhat she is feeling."
Matt turned, his eyes wide. "You?"
Xander nodded, releasing his beard, and turning to sit on the bed. "My mom died when I was seven. My father started abusing me when I was eight or nine, by the time I was eleven, he was selling me to his friends for a night. I was passed around from one man to another. It went on until I was fifteen."
"My God." Matt sat down beside him. "I didn't know."
"I didn't want you to know." Xander reached for Matt's hand. "I didn't want you to think of me as used, broken, or unstable."
"I would never think that of you. I wouldn't think it of Faith. I think of you both as strong and as fighters. I'm not sure I could go through what you two have and come out on the other side as well as you both have."
"It takes time. Faith has a long way to go."
"You told her all this?"
"Not the details. She knows a man hurt me when I was her age, the same way she was hurt. I haven't told her it was my father, and I haven't told her he sold me to his friends. I kept it as simple as I could, but she needed to know that she wasn't alone. That I'd been there, and I'd made it through. It will be okay in time. The pain and memories fade. It might never go away completely, and that's okay, but it does get easier."
"So that's why she feels safe talking to you and not me?" Matt shook his head.
"She's trying to protect you. She said she didn't want you to get sad knowing how bad they hurt her. She's scared of hurting you more by telling you. I've told her you won't be upset, and it's good to talk to you about it, but it's something she has to decide on her own. We can't force her to open up to you about it. It's something we discussed trying to talk about in therapy with Katie, but she has to do it in her own time and on her own terms."
Matt sighed. "I've been so jealous of you. I couldn't understand why my daughter would choose to talk to you and not me, but now it all makes sense."
"I never meant to hurt you." Xander lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed Matt's knuckles. "I didn't know how to tell you. I guess in a lot of ways I'm still like Faith. I don't want to share my pain, my disgrace, my horror. It's easier to keep it to myself than face any judgment that might come from people."
