Page 88 of Pain
"I'd never judge you for that. You had no control over any of it."
"I know that, but there's this voice in the back of your mind… It's that voice that I think connects me to Faith or any other survivor. You can tell us it will be okay, you can say it wasn't our fault, you can say you don't judge us, but only someone who has been there can understand. Even at her young age, Faith gets that. She knows that there is a bond of sorts between survivors. It's something only they can understand. She's not trying to hurt you, but she just doesn't want you to know the details. Maybe a better way to say it is she can't say them out loud herself yet, and to me, she doesn't have to say it out loud because I already know. I understand what she can't say."
"I feel like such a fool now." Matt stared at Xander. "I should have been happy she'd talk to someone, anyone. Instead, I got jealous and let it eat at me, when this whole time, watching Faith go through everything had to bring up bad memories for you too."
"No more than I get every night I go to work. Each time I walk into a sting, I wonder if it will be one of the men that hurt me. I wonder what my reaction would be. Working with the team might not make sense after going through what I have, but it's what helps me deal with it. What healed me."
"The team knows?"
"Some more than others. They were all there when my father went on trial. Bryon and Kasey were the ones who stopped Dyson and me from killing my dad. I'd gotten out of the Army. Dyson and I were living together at the time. My dad had disappeared when I'd finally told someone what he'd done, but he popped up about a year after I got discharged. I wanted him dead, and I talked Dyson into helping. We beat him nearly to death one night. We tied him up and were about to kill him when Kasey and Bryon walked in. They somehow talked me into letting them handle things, promising they would take care of it. They did. My dad went to trial and got life in prison for what he did to me and a bunch of other young boys." Xander closed his eyes, remembering the last time he'd seen his father. He was weak, and the effects of eunuchism had already started to show. He was weaker, thinner, his body becoming more feminine in nature. He'd met his father's eyes right after the verdict had been read, then turned and walked out of the courthouse with the team by his side. "I joined the team after the trial. After seeing what Dy and I did to my father before they showed up, they had a pretty good idea that we were willing to take the job once it was explained to us."
"Shit, I had no idea you'd been through any of this." Matt pressed his hand to Xander's back. "I'm sorry if I said or did anything—"
"You didn't, but even if you had, you didn't know. I've wanted to tell you for a while now, but how do you bring something like that up? It's not something we could talk about over dinner, and it surely isn't pillow talk."
"No, you're right. There really hasn't been a good time. Does it bother you that I know now?"
Xander smiled as he shook his head. "No, I don't want secrets between us. I'm glad you know everything now." He released Matt's hand, bringing his own up to run his fingers through Matt's hair. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I had no idea that it bothered you so much when Faith and I would talk. I should have seen it. I should have explained."
"Now that I know, I understand. I'm glad you're the one Faith leans on, and I want you to be the one at therapy if she is ready to open up. You can call her on her doubts, on her fears, on her insecurities. That's stuff I can't do. I can't understand what she is going through the way you do. I guess Katie knows about your past too?"
"She's the one who helped me get over my anger. For a long time, I was pissed off at the world. I'd start fights, drink too much. Katie helped me find a way to focus the anger, to let it out without hurting myself or others." Xander shrugged. "Well, others who don't deserve it. I have to admit, working with the team helps. I know I'm saving some other child from going through what I did."
"I love you." Matt kissed him. "I think I love you even more now because I see how much you really have been there for Faith in ways I never even knew."
"I love you too, and I promise, I'll try to include you more when we talk. I'll gently try to get her to open up to you as well."
"Like you said, she will when she's ready." Matt took a deep breath. "Thanks, I feel better now."
"Good. I'm sorry I did anything to make you feel upset. I promise to do better communicating."
"Me too." Matt hugged him tightly, then released him. "You better get going. I've made you late already." He glanced up at the clock on the nightstand.
"It's only six. We won't leave for a few hours, but since Dyson is going in with me, he wanted to go over things again before we go in."
"You'll text me when you're done and on your way home?"
"You know I will." Xander leaned in and kissed him hard, leaving no doubt that things were going to be okay between them.
Matt smiled as Xander stood and started to get dressed, feeling as if so much had been lifted off his chest. He hated what Xander had faced in his past, but knowing why his daughter depended on Xander so much eased his mind. He was sure that now, after talking, they could get through anything.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Matt glanced at the clock, trying not to be nervous, but it was after two in the morning and he had yet to hear from Xander. It was rare that a sting went late, and that made him worry that something had gone wrong. He debated on calling Bryon, but didn't want to look like a worried boyfriend to the rest of the team, but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was wrong.
He stared out the living room windows, hoping that headlights would turn into the driveway any minute and it was nothing more than something wrong with Xander's phone.
"Daddy?" Faith leaned against the wall coming from the hallway. "Why are you still up?"
He smiled and patted the couch beside him. "Xander had to work late, so I was waiting up for him to get home."
She smiled as she settled her head on his lap and pulled her zebra to her chest. "Why does he work so late?"
"Because that’s when he can help the people he needs to." He brushed a hand down her hair. "I talked to Xander and he told me about you asking him if we could stay here and not buy a new house. Is that what you want?"
She stared up at him. "Will you be mad?"
"Only if you aren't honest with me."
