Page 37 of Secret
Noam nodded. "We might as well get it all in the open now. No point in playing with each other's emotions if this isn't going to work out in the long run."
Kasey took a deep breath. "I don't like sex."
Noam's eyes went wide as he sucked in a breath.
Kasey watched his reaction, his heart pounding as his hopes plummeted. Just as he expected, it was going to be an issue. "I know it's hard to understand, and I don't even get it myself, but I've never liked it. I've forced myself to do it before, but I don't find enjoyment in it. It's messy, awkward, and I've found forcing myself to try and have it when I don't want to ends up ruining my relationships. It's why I don't date. I know it's a huge part of a relationship, but I just can't get into it. I mean, I'm happy to help you get off if you want, but even that, I'd rather do in the shower where it's not so messy." Kasey pulled away and started to pace the room.
"Kase—" Noam started to say.
Kasey held up his hand. "Don't try and force yourself to accept this if you can't. I know sex is important and being with someone who doesn't like it is probably too much to deal with. I don't know why I don't like it, I just don't. Someone told me once I was asexual, but then I researched that, and I don't think it fits me either. Maybe, there are so many definitions to the label, but I feel attraction, I feel arousal, I want the closeness, I just don't like the physical act. I quit worrying about the labels. When I look at a man or woman, I think about how it would feel to hold them close, but I never think about how it would be to have sex with them."
"You're bisexual?" Noam raised a brow.
Kasey laughed. "That's what you pick out of what I just told you? That's the one piece that surprises you?"
Noam grinned. "I just didn't know that about you. It's not a big deal. I mean I'm gay. Never have been with a woman, but I don't care that you have. It's your past, and we've already agreed that it's not our past that matters. It's the present and future. As for the no sex, you've just made me the happiest man alive."
Kasey shook his head. "What?"
Noam moved so he was near the couch, away from the windows. "Don't freak out, okay?
Kasey watched as Noam worked the button on his jeans open and quickly pulled the zipper down. "Noam, what are you—"
"It's easier for me to just show you. I want you to know what you're going to have to see and deal with if we do this." Noam quickly slid his jeans down his legs, stopping at the knees.
Kasey gasped, but then covered his mouth, hoping he didn't offend Noam. "What happened?" Deep scars covered both of Noam's thighs, the muscles indenting unnaturally. Whatever happened to him had to be bad. Even though Noam still wore a pair of briefs, it was clear the scarring went under his underwear and probably covered his groin area.
Noam rubbed his hand over one deformed thigh. "I was hit with an IED in Israel. I took the brunt of the blow to my legs and groin. They managed to save my cock and one ball, but as you can see, the scar tissue is serious. I can get hard, but it's so painful that I really have to want to because the pain can be so bad that it overpowers any arousal I might feel." He pointed to an area just to the side of the underwear. "When I get hard, the scar tissue pulls tight and causes severe pain. The scarring on my cock isn't as severe as some of it on my leg, but enough that it affects me." He pulled his pants back up, working the zipper and button back into place.
Kasey stepped closer, coming to a stop a few inches from Noam. "Will you tell me about it?"
Noam nodded. "There isn't much to tell. I was on patrol. We didn't expect any problems. It had been quiet for days. We knew we couldn't trust the locals, but we didn't expect…" He gestured to his legs. "I was walking by some old barrels, two of my team beside me. The blast went off. It killed Itai, and Yosef lost both his legs. I woke up after surgery, confused and scared. I didn't know where I was. I was in the hospital for almost six months. I've dated two men since. One walked out when I told him, the other tried to stick around, telling me I could just bottom, but it wasn't enough. He knew I didn't enjoy sex. I think it hurt him. He took it personally when I wouldn't get hard or I'd be in severe pain the few times I did. It was a lot to deal with."
Kasey smiled. "I thought you'd leave when you heard I didn't want sex. I was trying to figure out how to convince myself to do it. I mean, I'm not saying we can't ever do things if you want, but…" Kasey sighed. "I don't like the feel of cum. I don't like the mess. When the tension gets too much, and I have to take matters into my own hands, I always do it in the shower."
"I'll never ask for more than you want to give, Kase. If you decide you want sex, I can bottom. Just don't feel bad if I don't get hard."
"I would never do that to you." Kasey reached for Noam's hand. "What are the chances that we would find each other?"
"Fate?" Noam smiled as he sat down on the couch, keeping hold of Kasey's hand as he sat down beside him.
"I've worried so much over the last week about how to tell you, and even more on how you would react. I thought for sure I wouldn't be enough for you." Kasey smiled. "This just makes me want you more."
"Me too." Noam grinned, but then settled back against the couch. "There is more you should know. I get migraines too. They come maybe once a month, sometimes I can go two months. I can feel them coming on, and within twenty-four to forty-eight hours, I'm worthless for a day or two. I will spend the time in bed, in the dark, sometimes sick to my stomach. It just depends on the severity of the headache."
"Can I do anything for you when you get them?" Kasey asked, more than willing to help Noam any way he could.
"No, it's best to leave me alone. I'm a bear, and any communication or movement hurts. My boss knows I get them, and we try and work out my vacation and sick days to cover when they hit, but there are times I have to work when I get them. Please don't take my bad moods when I do to mean I don't care about you. I can be a bastard when I get one. It's nothing personal."
"Do they know what causes them?"
"The blast. I had a concussion and a head injury. Nothing major, but the migraines started right after that. I've learned coping measures, but I never know how bad they will be until they hit. Like today, I can feel one is coming on. In the next day or two, I'll be down in bed. My doctor keeps trying new drugs, new ideas, but so far nothing works. I thought they were getting better. I'd gone three months before the last one hit, but now, it's only been just over a month since the last."
"Do you need me to take care of Casper, make sure you have food?" Kasey hated the thought of Noam going through it alone.
He shook his head. "I'll be okay, just know that's why I probably don't answer your calls, or I cancel a date. Like I said, I feel them coming on days before they do, so I should be able to give you a warning. I don't want you to worry about me, but if we're going to date, you need to know they happen."
"Thank you for telling me." Kasey blew out a long breath. "Well, I didn't expect tonight to get so serious."
"I'm glad it did. I feel better now that you know everything." Noam leaned against Kasey.
Kasey wrapped his arm around Noam's shoulder. As good as being honest was, there was still one huge secret between them, and it was one that Kasey could never tell. He hated lying to Noam, especially after all they'd talked about, but it was a part of his life he needed to keep secret. It wasn't just for his safety, but the whole team. As silence settled between them, and they just held onto each other, Kasey seriously considered for the first time quitting the team. If he had to choose between Noam and his job it was going to be hard, but if things with Noam kept going as good as they were, he would choose the man over the job without a second thought.
