Page 72 of Secret
"Think about it. Dyson will join me if you decide not to. No one is going to force you to do this if you're done. One way or another, you need to talk to Bryon and figure out what you're doing. The team wants and needs you. No matter what you do, you can't keep sitting around the house, wasting away." Xander leaned back in his chair. "We're not just a team, Kase, we're family. We are there for each other. We all know how hard this job can be, and with the shit you've gone through the last while with Noam, it makes it harder. But you can't let it make you stop living. You need to do something. If it's not working with the team, then find something else, but don't just sit around and wait to die."
Kasey stood, walking to the edge of the small patio as he looked out over his yard. "What about the risk? What if Noam decides to follow me? I'd lead him right to you guys. There are risks here, Xan. Big ones."
"There are, but only you can answer if Noam is really a risk. What does your heart tell you? Is he the type to go back on his word? Will he double-cross you?"
Kasey didn't have to think about the answer. He saw the look in Noam's eyes when they'd last talked. Noam would take their secret to his grave. "I'll be there Friday morning to go over the layout of the house and plan." Kasey took a long drink of his beer. "I'll call Bryon tonight and tell him."
"Good. Glad to hear it," Xander said from behind him. "Everyone's been worried about you, Kase. We still are. How can we help?"
Kasey shrugged. If he knew that, he would have been doing it already. There was a hole in his heart, an emptiness that nothing would fill. It drove him nuts that Noam had that kind of control over him. That he couldn't shake off what they'd had together. It hadn't even lasted long, but it was the single most important relationship he had in his life. No one would ever compare. "I don't know, Xan. I guess just time. I just need time."
"We'll give you time, but we won't let you sit here and sink into depression while you do it. So, from now on, you're going to be at the weekly meetings, you're going to be added to the rotation, and you are going to start picking up dinner on your nights for the team." Xander was suddenly behind him, one hand gripping his shoulder. "I know we don't say it to each other, but we're family and we do love you. You don't have to go through it all alone."
Kasey nodded, his throat tight with emotion.
"Good, then pull yourself together and meet me inside. We have an over-confident teen that we need to beat on Mario Kart, and I can't do it alone." Xander walked away.
Kasey took a deep breath, hoping his decision to go back to work was the right one. Now, each time Noam worked a case he'd know it had been Kasey or one of the team that did it. That was an overwhelming thought. He trusted Noam, he really did, but he also was aware of the stress this would add to Noam's job. The lying, the deceiving, the ignoring facts just so he could protect him and the team. It was going to be hard for Noam to face that day in and day out.
The only way he was going to get through this was to forget about Noam. He couldn't dwell on what they shared, he couldn't worry about him knowing, and he had to trust that the secret would remain between them. It was the only way he could move forward.
Determined to try and pull himself out of his depression and get on with life, Kasey turned and headed inside. As angry as he was with everyone just showing up, it was exactly what he needed, and having Faith be the one to call him on his shit had been the right choice. No matter how down he was, he refused to be negative around her. She was the light that reminded them why they did everything they did.
As long as there were children to save, he would do what he could to make sure they all came home safe.
