Page 74 of Secret
"She'd like that." Kasey glanced at Casper. "You two just out for a walk?"
"Yeah, thought we'd grab a hot dog at the vendor across the way." Noam wrapped the leash around his hands, trying to think what to say.
"Want company?" Kasey looked almost scared as he asked the question.
Noam understood the fear. This conversation wasn't easy. All he wanted to do was pull Kasey into his arms and hold him, but after everything, after all they'd gone through, he didn't dare. "Sure, we'd like that." He blew out a nervous breath.
They walked in silence toward the hot dog vendor, letting Casper lead them. She glanced back almost as if she was making sure they were both following her.
Once there, Kasey pulled out his wallet. "It's on me." He ordered three hot dogs. "You don't care if she has one, do you?"
"No, I planned on getting her one too." Noam smiled. "Thanks, you didn't have to buy."
"It's nothing." Kasey shoved his wallet back into his sweatpants pocket.
Once they had everything, Noam gestured to an empty bench. "Sit while we eat?"
Kasey nodded.
Noam led them over, shortening the leash so Casper had to stay next to them as they sat down.
"So, how's work?" Kasey asked.
Noam took a bite of his hot dog, chewing slowly to give himself time. It wasn't a question he could avoid, but it was one he didn't want to answer. The last thing he wanted was for Kasey to feel guilty that he'd quit because of everything that had happened. "Um, I quit over a month ago."
"Shit, why?" Kasey's eyes went wide. "You loved your job, Noam."
Hearing Kasey say his name again was like a shot right through his heart. How many nights had they laid in bed kissing, holding each other, whispering each other's names? "I just couldn't do it anymore. All I saw was the bad, the stuff I couldn't fix. The cases I couldn't solve."
"What about the ones you did solve, the cases you closed? You're a great detective, Noam." Kasey looked sadly at him. "You loved your job."
"My heart wasn't in it anymore." Noam shrugged. "It was time for me to go."
"Because of me? What you found out?"
"Some, but not really. It was more seeing how well you did in finding kids we couldn't, how you were able to track down criminals we weren't even aware of. I realized that even when I closed a case, it wasn't really closed." Noam wiped his mouth with a napkin. "It was just time for me to move on."
"So, what are you doing now?" Kasey asked.
"I'm thinking about heading back to Israel," Noam told him.
"Don't go." A sudden look of panic came over Kasey's face and he shook his head.
"Why? There's nothing more for me here."
"There could be, if you'll let it." Kasey slowly reached out and covered Noam's hand with his own. "I miss you."
Noam forced himself not to pull his hand away from the searing touch of Kasey's. He closed his eyes, emotions flooding him as he thought about how easy it would be to ignore everything they'd faced and slip back into the happiness they knew.
He'd thought about it a lot, wondering if they could make it work. If he could sit by and watch as Kasey went off to work every night, knowing what he was going to do. Hell, he'd even asked himself if he could join them. He liked to think he had the guts to slice off a man's balls, but when he really thought about it, it was something he couldn't do.
He opened his eyes, turning to look at Kasey, everything he felt for the man crowding in his chest, almost as if begging him to take notice. "I miss you too." That much he could admit.
Kasey's fingers pressed between Noam's linking their hands. "But? I sense there is a but there." Kasey's thumb caressed over his hand, reminding him how good his touch felt. How right they always were together.
"I just don't know if I can—"
"Is it the job? I'll quit. I'll find something else. I'll bag groceries, flip burgers, hell, I don't care what I'm doing as long as I'm with you, Noam. The last couple of months have been hell. It took all I had not to come begging at your door, just so I could see you. I'm tired of trying to stay away, of acting like this is how it should be. I know I fucked up. I am so sorry for all of it. I just can't keep…" Kasey sighed, pulling his hand back. "Jesus, look at me. I'm like some teenage girl begging her boyfriend not to leave her. I sound pathetic." He ran his fingers through his hair. "You get the idea, Noam. I want to try again. The thought of you leaving the country scares the hell out of me."
