Page 75 of Secret
"It scares the hell out of me as well, but it's the only way I know how to handle this." Noam stared at Casper as he spoke, unable to watch the pain on Kasey's face as they talked.
"Handle what, Noam?" Kasey's voice was soft and gentle, reminding him of the long nights where they would cuddle on the couch and talk about everything. At least he thought they'd covered everything. He had no idea at the time the secrets Kasey had.
"Us, knowing you're five minutes away. Knowing I could just show up at your door and do my own impersonation of a teenage girl and beg you to come back." Noam turned his head, so he could look directly at Kasey. "It's so hard to love you and not be with you."
Kasey smiled weakly. "I know. Trust me, I know."
Noam sighed. It should have been so easy. They both admitted they wanted each other, loved each other, but there was something keeping him from taking the chance. It would be so easy to give in, go back to how it was, but this time with no secrets between them.
"This has to be you, Noam. I can't decide for us. I wish I could because you'd be in my arms right now, but this has to be your choice. You have to want us as much as I do." Kasey reached down and tangled his fingers in Casper's fur.
God, he wanted that. Wanted to feel Kasey hold him again. "I know. I don't know what I'm scared of, what is stopping me. I've come to terms with your job. I understand it, even maybe agree with it in some fucked up sense. I'm just…" He shook his head. "I don't know."
Kasey stared directly into his eyes. "Let me show you it can work. Let me love you."
Walking away from Kasey was going to be impossible. Now that they'd come face to face again, his emotions were raw and every bit of control he'd thought he had was gone. "Come home with us? We can talk more there?" He prayed he wasn't making a huge mistake, but letting Kasey go again would damn near kill him.
Kasey nodded. "I can do that." He again reached over and linked their hands.
He had to be out of his mind to risk everything he was about to. Not only was his heart on the line, but his sanity as well. Being with Kasey would make him just as liable as Kasey was if he ever got caught. Even if he said he'd never known what Kasey did, no one would believe him. He was opening the door to a world of hurt, but as he tightened his grip on Kasey's hand, he realized the pain was worse without Kasey than it would ever be because of him.
