Page 102 of Heal
"What if I'm not a good mom?"
"You know, I bet every mother is scared of that, at least most good moms. Have you talked to your therapist about these worries? She might be able to help set your mind at ease. I also know of a few groups for soon-to-be-moms that you might join. I think you'd find that being scared and worried is part of the whole process." He hoped he was right. It wasn't like he could ask anyone. His own mother had hardly been around.
"What do you think I should do?"
"I can't tell you what I think. What I think doesn't matter. You have to do what is best for you. This is a decision that will be with you the rest of your life. You're the one who has to live with your choice one way or the other. I think if you keep it, you'll be an amazing mom, but I also know there are a lot of good families out there who can't have kids and would make good parents too if you choose to put the baby up for adoption. There is no right or wrong, just what you feel in your heart."
Lisa was silent for a moment, then glanced up at Parson. "Are you going to marry Beau?"
Parson sat back, stunned by the question. He wasn't sure where Lisa was going with this. "Um, I don't know honestly. I guess when you're dating someone like Beau and I are, the goal is to be together forever and get married, but we've just started dating really. It's too soon to know for sure that our relationship will last for marriage. I sure hope it does. I love Beau very much, but it takes time to get to the point where marriage is an option, and he and I just aren't there yet."
She nodded. "So there's a chance my decision could affect you too."
"There is," he agreed.
"So you should have some say in this too."
He shook his head. "No, no one but you should have say in this. No one's opinion matters but yours. This is your child. You do what your heart tells you. You have to ask yourself questions."
"Like what?"
He was sure they were questions she was already asking, but he figured she needed to hear them said out loud. "Things like, can you love the child considering how he or she was conceived, not knowing who the father is? Can you live with yourself if you give the child up for adoption and never see it again? Are you willing to work extra hard finishing school and being a mom, or do your dreams for the future not include children? These are all things only you can answer. Once you answer those questions, then you'll know what to do."
She sighed. "Won't it make things harder on Beau?"
"Beau will be just fine with whatever choice you make. He's a pediatrician. He wouldn't have specialized in being a doctor for kids if he didn't like them. He also has seen a lot of patients who are adopted and in happy homes, so he'll be fine if you choose that also. No matter what you choose, Beau is your father now, and he is going to support and love you no matter what. He'll make a great grandfather and love your child should you choose to keep it. Don't worry about Beau or me on this. If I marry Beau and end up being your other dad, then I'm going to support your choice as well, just like I support it now as your caseworker." He hoped he wasn't pushing her one way or the other.
In his heart, he hoped she'd keep the child. For him, the thought of having a child out in the world he might never see wouldn't sit well with him, but this was Lisa, and what was right for her might not be right for him.
"I've thought about it a lot, especially when I feel the baby moving. I don't know that I can give it up for adoption." She hugged her stomach. "I know it makes no sense, but it's like I'm already connected to the baby, like I already love it."
Parson smiled. "I bet that's normal too. I can't imagine having something growing inside me, but it would be hard not to get attached."
"Do I have to decide right now?"
"Nope, I just need to know you're not ignoring the issue. If you are going to keep it, it would be good to be able to plan ahead, throw you a baby shower, get a crib and things you might need."
"That's going to cost a lot."
Parson smiled. "Can I tell you a secret? Beau and I both have a lot of money, and either one of us would be happy to make sure you have what you need. That doesn't mean you won't have to help out around the house or help with things in return, but we aren't going to let you or the baby go without anything that is needed."
"That wasn't a very big secret." She laughed.
"No, I guess it wasn't, but my point is, don't worry about that stuff. We'll figure it all out."
She nodded.
"You know you can talk to me anytime. Anything you share with me is private. I won't even tell Beau."
"No, I want Beau to know everything. He's been so good to us. Jeff is so happy here. I know he still has nightmares and stuff, but he's getting better."
"He is, I can see it. What about you? Are you getting better?"
She shrugged. "I still don't like being around most women. I guess Grandma and Aunt Beth are okay, but other than them, I'd rather not be alone with them. Like at school, Beau had to warn my teachers not to talk to me alone. I know they aren't the ones who hurt me, but it's hard, especially if they look like her at all."
"Do you talk to Faith about it much?"
"Some, but not a lot."
