Page 76 of Heal
Parson laughed. "I'm glad he liked it."
They stared at each other in silence for several seconds before Beau spoke, "I've missed having you around."
Parson moved across the room and sat beside Beau on the couch. "I've missed you. I'm sorry it took so long. I just had a lot to think about. I was scared. Not just about what you told me about your team, but about us too. Probably more about us than anything else."
"I've had a lot of time to think about everything, and you were right. I was pushing you, rushing things between us. I'm sorry about that. It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, and what I feel with you was just so intense that I went with it. As I thought back over everything, I realized we really hadn't had time to date, to get to know each other well, and here I was saying that I could see a future with you."
Parson frowned. "You saidwasso intense. Is it not anymore?"
Beau turned to face him. "My feelings for you haven't changed. I just realized that you were right and we probably should have taken it slower, dated, eased into me admitting that I could see myself married to you. When you didn't call for a couple weeks, I worried that you were done with me, that what I told you was a deal breaker."
"I was shocked with what you told me. It was a lot to think about, but I realized that it really wasn't what your team did that I had a problem with. It was the fact that you were putting yourself at risk. I started feeling like a cop's wife, I guess. Imagining myself lying in bed in the middle of the night, wondering if you were safe, wondering if the police had caught you, wondering if some crazy pedophile had come after you for revenge." Parson folded his hands in his lap. "Over the last few weeks, I've thought a lot about what your team does, and I understand why you do it. You're right, the police and courts don't handle things the way they should. I think most of society could understand and support what you do. What my issues come down to are can I love someone, spend my life with someone who could be arrested and sent away for years because of all this. Am I willing to risk my heart on the chance that you guys never get caught."
Beau nodded. "Did you find an answer to that?"
"No, not really, but I did realize that I'll regret not giving us a try even if I end up hurt. I'd rather have all the time I can with you and hope the worst never happens, than to walk away now and never have the chance to love you at all. I'm scared. What you do freaks me out. The thought of us getting serious and me losing you, of the kids losing you, it kills me. I'd never ask you to quit what you do. I know you're needed there. It's not like you’re the one going out, taking the biggest risk, but you are part of the team, and that still puts you in danger."
Beau held up a hand. "If we are going to do this, if we are going to try and go forward from here, I need to have full honesty with you. I lied to you last time. I'm sorry for that, but I was scared you'd walk away. You ended up doing that anyway."
"What did you lie about?" Parson narrowed his eyes.
"Remember how I told you it wasn't me who castrated that man?" Beau's brow creased as his eyes filled with worry.
"You what?" Parson gasped.
"I lied. I did do it. It was the one and only time I've ever done it, but I didn't have a choice."
"You said there was a team…" Parson slumped into the chair as he continued to stare up at Beau unable to believe what he was hearing. He'd spent the last few weeks convincing himself that Beau wasn't in as much danger as the others, but now he was saying he was.
"I know, and there is. They usually handle it. I'm just around for medical emergencies and to alert the team know when a child comes into the hospital that they might not know about. But that night, I knew if we didn't act there was a chance we'd never catch him. The team was out of town and there was no one else to do it. I'm the one who went in that night. I went against everything I promised as a doctor and I did harm, and you know what? I did it happily that night. I was happy to cut off his cock and balls and make it so they'd never be able to hurt a child again. But it's fucked with me since. As much as I know that it needed to be done before Albert got on that plane the next morning, I'm having a very hard time being a doctor who is supposed to heal people, yet that night, I didn't heal. I hurt someone badly. Again, I know I had no choice but to do what I did, and to be honest, if I had to make the choice again, I'd do it again. I hope to God that I never need to take that active of a role again. I hated it. My team leader actually kicked me off the team for a while because of it."
"For a while?" Parson wasn't understanding.
"I did it without permission. The stings are always planned, always set up days in advance when we can so we are sure everything is safe, but we didn't have time that night. We found Albert and he was leaving in the morning. I had to act. My team leader cut me from the team for a few weeks because of it. He only let me come back the other day after we had a long talk and I agreed to never act without talking to him first."
"Why did you lie to me when I asked if it was you?" Parson wasn't sure he could deal with lies.
"Because I was scared I'd lose you if you knew, and because I hated admitting what I'd done."
"You don't think lying to me will make me leave?"
"I know. I wasn't thinking. I was shocked that you knew about Albert at all. I decided right then to tell you a little about the team, that in itself was a risk, and another team rule broken, but I couldn't go forward with you without you knowing about them. As for lying, I have no excuses. I fucked up. I just panicked. I'm sorry, and I promise you, if we decide to go forward with us, I will never keep anything from you again. I can't give away much information about the team or its members, but beyond that, I will never lie to you again."
"Is that a promise you can keep?" Parson sighed. "You lied to me then, how do I know you aren't lying now?"
"You don't, but I'm not. I'm laying it all on the line so we can decide where we go from here. If you can't trust me, then there is no point in us trying. I get I fucked up, and I might even have to earn your trust again because of it, but I swear to you, you know everything now. At least everything I can share without saying too much about the others on the team. I won't give their names or anything personal about them."
Parson stood, moving to the window, and looking outside. "So, if we date, that is going to be a part of your life I'll never be included in?"
Beau stood, coming to stand directly behind him, touching his shoulder gently. "No, at least I hope not. I'd like you to meet my friends who are on the team. I'd like to be able to confide in you, come home to you and not have to keep things to myself, but that is something I have to talk to the team about. Everything with the team has to be unanimous, that means if we tell someone what we do, we've all voted and agreed on it. If one team member isn't comfortable with it, we don't do it. I've told my leader that I told you about the team, and he was okay with that, but introducing you to them or sharing what happens within the team, that I can't do yet. If things work out between us, then I will ask them to let me tell you everything, let you meet them."
Parson resisted the urge to lean back against Beau's touch. He'd been so ready to try and make this work, but now, he just wasn't sure what to do. "What do you want to happen, Beau?"
Beau moved closer, wrapping his arms around Parson's waist, pressing his chest to his back. "What I want is for you to be part of my life again. I want to date, be a couple. I want to see where this goes, see if we can have a future together."
Parson took a deep breath.
"What do you want?" Beau's breath was warm against his neck.
