Page 28 of Hack
"You shouldn't blame yourself. It's not as if you handed your daughter over to this man." Archer sat down at the kitchen table again. "I know your daughter's story. She was at the park with your wife. You weren't even there."
"I should have been. They asked me to go with them. I was tired after a long day at work and told them to go without me. I can't help but think if I'd been there…" He didn't continue. Archer knew what he was going to say. "Then, with Beth, I was so caught up in losing Angel that I didn't notice how bad things were getting with Beth. Looking back, I see it, but then, when she was going through it all, I didn't even notice. I mean we were both distraught after Angel was found dead, but Beth, she blamed herself. She was the one with Angel when she was taken, and nothing I said eased her mind. I should have seen how seriously she was unraveling and been there for her. I should have been stronger for her."
"Lyle is the only one to blame. You're doing now what Beth did then, blaming yourself for stuff you had no control over. Granted, I don't think you're suicidal, at least not now, though I'm guessing you were in the past, God knows I would have been, but you aren't to blame for what happened to Angel or for what Beth chose to do. You got a shitty hand in life, that I'm not going to argue, but none of it is your fault."
Carter closed his eyes. He'd had the same thing said to him so many times, but no matter how many times he heard that it wasn't his fault, he couldn't believe it. He could have changed things, protected them, noticed Beth's spiraling. There were so many things he'd do differently if he could only go back in time.
As if he knew what he was thinking, Archer said, "we can't change the past. All we can do is learn from it and move forward. I do know that Beth and Angel wouldn't want you living the rest of your life blaming yourself. Seeking justice is one thing, but destroying yourself with blame is another."
Carter sat down at the table across from Archer. "Easier said than done. Maybe once he's caught, once I know he isn't going to put any other parent through what I've gone through, then I can start to let go of the rest of the shit, but until then, my guilt motivates me. It pushes me forward to find this fucking asshole and make him pay for what he did to my daughter." He fisted his hands on the table. He seldom let his anger out, and he wasn't sure why he was showing it to Archer. Maybe it was because he was as obsessed with the case as he was. Until now, he'd never met another who was so invested in putting a stop to Lyle's evilness.
"Killing him won't heal you."
"No, but it will make me feel really damn good when I watch the life fade from his eyes." Carter's voice was deep with anger. "It will help me sleep at night knowing that there aren't girls being held by him, tortured by him. I'll have closure, knowing he can't hurt anyone again."
"Will that be enough?"
"It has to be. There is nothing else." Carter sighed. "Still want to work with me knowing how fucked up I am?"
Archer smiled. "I knew you were fucked up before we met. Any father would be. I'm just not sure if in the end, you're going to find the satisfaction you think you are."
"We won't know until it happens. If not, then I guess I find a new way to deal, but right now, I deal by hunting this asshole and others like him."
Archer raised a brow.
"Fuck, it doesn't matter. Listen, I need to head over and pick up those tracking devices from a friend. You want to ride over with me?" He just needed to do something. Sitting around the house was driving him nuts.
"I'll go with you. Have you decided if you're going to go with me to Atlanta?" Archer asked.
Carter sighed, thinking about the team and how much work he had, but the truth was, he didn't want to be at the STK house right now. For once, he didn't feel the pressing need to be there around the clock and in control of everything. He still needed to go in tomorrow for the big sting, but once that was over, he was going to let Trenton and Bryon handle things for a bit and take some well-deserved time off to focus on finding Lyle. "Yeah, I'll go with you. You booked a flight yet?"
Archer shook his head. "I was waiting to see what you decided."
"Then we'll book it when we get back. You sure you want my company for a few days on the road?"
"I've dealt with you here this last week. I doubt you're going to be any worse out on the road."
"Fuck, am I really that bad?" Carter's temper calmed as he thought back over the week, wondering if he'd been hell to be around.
"No, you're not. You've been stressed, but not impossible to be around. I'm not complaining. If you were that bad, I wouldn't have invited you to go with me. Do I have time to grab a quick shower before we go get the devices?" Archer asked.
Carter glanced over at him, realizing for the first time that Archer did look as if he'd just gotten done with a long run. His hair was a mess, and still wet from sweat. "Yeah, go ahead. I need to call and let them know we're on our way before we go."
"I won't be ten minutes." Archer stood, then paused, turning to look at Carter. "You okay?"
"Yeah, as good as I can be. Sorry to make you listen to me vent." Carter wasn't used to opening up about shit to anyone, and he couldn't figure out why the hell he had done it with Archer.
"You didn't make me do anything. You need to vent, I'm always here to listen." He gave Carter a small smile, then headed down the hallway.
As he watched him walk away, Carter smiled to himself. It was nice having someone who understood, who didn't judge him for what he was feeling. He was so used to keeping it all in. And while he wished he hadn't laid everything out the way he just had, it was kind of nice that he could for once.
He reached for his phone and made the call to his contact, letting them know he'd be on his way soon and that he wasn't coming alone. There wasn't much to hide, but in his world, he'd learned that giving people a heads up was always the right thing to do.
