Page 79 of Hack
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Carter sat on the ground in front of Beth and Angel's graves, his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. His butt was damp from the grass, but he didn't care. He was numb to almost everything.
He closed his eyes, remembering the look of fear in Lyle's eyes the first time he'd stabbed him. It hadn't been enough. He'd wanted the man to suffer, but all he'd done was lose control and go off like a madman and stab him to death without torturing him.
He shivered as he remembered the blood everywhere. He'd thought it would be so easy. After all, this was what his team did every day. They went in and made people suffer for their sins. Yeah, this was different, but he shouldn't be as freaked out about it as he was.
His stomach still knotted as he remembered his last look at Lyle after slicing his neck. How Xander knew he hadn't been dead was beyond him, but he trusted Xander to know. He couldn't have walked out of that home without killing Lyle, but now, he didn't know how to go on with his life after doing it.
He was so lost.
With the pad of his thumb, he wiped at the corners of his eyes. How many more tears could he cry?
Fuck, this sucked.
He stared at the names on the gravestones, remembering when he'd gone in to order each one. Beth had been with him when they got Angel's, then he'd had to go alone to get Beth's. Her family had offered to help, but it was something he had needed to do on his own. The stone matched Angel's, and someday, his would sit on the other side of Angel's, securing her between them.
God, how he missed her.
Missed them.
He glanced up, trying to judge the time by the placement of the sun in the sky. He'd been here forever. The caretaker had kicked him out last night after dark, but he'd just sat outside the fence until morning, then came right back to the graves. He might have napped, might have dreamed. He couldn't be sure. His mind was filled with visions of Angel and Beth, then at times it would turn dark and he'd see her grave, her body, Beth's body, and then Lyle's.
He shuddered as he tightened his arms even more around his legs.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be now.
He was vaguely aware of someone walking toward him, but he didn't pay them any attention. It was his right to be here, and if someone wanted to fight him on it, he would fight. He wanted to be with his wife and daughter. God, how he wanted to be with them again. Hold them.
The person sat down beside him, staying silent, and he knew without even looking over, that from the scent of his cologne, it was Archer.
He wasn't surprised. He was sure the team would look for him. He'd done all he could to keep them from following him, but he knew eventually one of them would think to look here. He wasn't shocked it was Archer.
Neither of them spoke. Carter just continued to stare at the headstones. After all, what could he really say? There weren’t words to express what he was feeling or why he needed to be with Angel and Beth at the moment.
He rocked his body back and forth slightly. His muscle sore, his eyes swollen and itchy. He could only guess what he looked like, still wearing a pair of Xander's too large sweatpants, an old ragged t-shirt, and his old tennis shoes. He hadn't bothered to brush his hair or anything before leaving Xander and the motel room back in North Carolina.
He'd simply had the motel clerk call him a ride and he'd taken it to the airport where he'd flown to Virginia. From the airport, it was a short ride to the cemetery. He'd been here ever since.
He wasn't upset Archer was there. In fact, there was a comfort to having him beside him, and the fact that he wasn't speaking, wasn't angry and demanding to know why the fuck he'd skipped out on Xander was good. Somehow, he was sure it had been Archer who'd thought to look for him here. Archer could read him that well.
Beth would have liked Archer. He could imagine sitting with Archer and Beth, enjoying dinner, or grilling in the backyard as they had a few beers. Of course, it would have been different, because if Beth was around, Carter wouldn't have been looking at Archer as anything more than a friend. He only had eyes for her when she'd been alive.
It had taken him years to be with anyone else, and even then, only men. Even now, he couldn't imagine being with another woman. She was it for him. She'd ruined him for all other women.
Archer, on the other hand, he made him feel a lot like Beth had. Being with Archer was overwhelming, drawing out emotions he hadn't been sure he could experience anymore. He liked him a lot. It just sucked that he showed up during one of the most fucked up times in his life. Things weren't easy, and he wasn't sure if they ever would be again. He was broken. What he'd done to Lyle had changed him, and not in the way he'd thought it would.
He dipped his head, wiping at the tears that still found a way to leak from his eyes.
Archer's hand settled on his back, just a simple press of his palm, but it was enough to break Carter. The tears he thought were drying out started again in force, and heavy sobs wracked his body as he cried like he hadn't allowed himself to cry in years.
He released his knees, leaning forward, his head hung low as the tears fell. He choked through them, struggling to breathe, his chest tight. He sniffed, trying to hold back the snot, hating that he was a blubbering mess, but unable to stop the emotions that hit him.
The crying went on and on, and Archer's hand never moved. He didn't caress his back, didn't pull him close. He just stayed beside him, showing his support with the simple press of his hand to his spine.
When he could finally breathe, and wasn't choking back sobs, Carter lifted his head, staring ahead at the graves. "I miss them."
"I know, and that's okay." Archer's voice was soft, filled with compassion. "They're your family. You'll never stop missing them."
