Page 87 of Hack
"Because I love you," Archer said softly. This wasn't how he'd planned on declaring his feelings for Carter, but the time seemed right, and he needed Carter to know what he was feeling. "You might have lost control that night, taking things farther than you wanted to, but I think almost any father would. He took everything you had. He might not have killed Beth, but it was because of him that she's gone. I don't for a second think that what you did was wrong. Were there other ways to handle it? Probably. But I don't think anyone could have faced what you have and known how they'd react. No one thinks bad about you. No one judges you."
"I'm so sorry." Carter's voice cracked.
Archer was sure if he could see in the darkness better, he'd find tears in Carter's eyes. "You have nothing to apologize for. No one to ask forgiveness from."
"How can you say you love me knowing what I did?"
"Because everything you did was because of love. If you hadn't loved Angel and Beth so much, that anger wouldn't have been there. Your feelings are justified. Any man who lost what you have would be angry. Any man whose daughter was hurt the way yours was would seek vengeance, many in more violent ways than you did."
After a few minutes of silence, Carter rolled his head to look at Archer. "I froze in there. That night I killed him. I fucking froze. If Xander hadn't been there, I don't know what would have happened. I wouldn't have found my way out. I wouldn't have known what to do. I've trained my team to do this time and time again, but when I went in there, I forgot everything. I couldn't think, couldn't focus. I just saw the blood, the violence. I can't get that smell out of my mind, no matter how hard I try."
"Would you want to be the type of man who wasn't affected by it?"
Carter sighed.
"You've seen the worst the world has to offer. You've lived through the worst. Yet, through it all, you've managed to hold on to your humanity. You're not immune to the violence, to the pain and suffering, even when it's brought upon someone deserving of it. That's why I can love you."
Carter turned, rolling into Archer's arms, burying his head against his chest. Archer could tell he was crying by the way his breathing hitched, but he didn't say anything. He just held him, being the strength he needed at that moment. He could say more silently, holding him tightly, than he could with any words he might try to speak.
When Carter calmed, he pulled back slightly. "I still love Beth."
"I know." Archer smiled. "I assume love like that never dies."
"But I want us to…" He sighed. "What if I never love you the same as I love her?"
"I don't want you to love me the same way you loved her. She's a different person. Your love for her is as original as she is, and if you love me, that love will be our own, not a copy of what you have with her. I don't expect you to ever stop loving her. She's part of who you are. Angel and Beth are part of your life. I want you to talk about them, share the love you have for them with me. Tell me when you miss them or something reminds you of them. I don't want to shut them out of our life together when they are a huge part of who you are." He meant every word. There was never any jealousy. Fear, maybe, that Carter would hold on to Beth's memory so tightly that there wouldn't be room for him, but he was never jealous. Being jealous of the dead didn't make sense. It wasn't as if she was here now to take him from him. If Carter was with him, it was because he wanted to be. There was no trying to sort out feelings. Carter would love her one way and love him another, and that was okay.
"You aren't afraid of me after the way I lost it on Lyle?"
"God, no. Not at all. I probably would have done the same thing. I don't know how any of your team goes in night after night and doesn't kill these assholes. I'm not sure I could keep myself from it. I have never been scared of you. Never feared you."
Carter seemed to relax.
Archer pulled him close again, just holding him as he caressed his hand over his back, enjoying the closeness. He missed this so much, but he was still aware that Carter had a long way to go before they were back to where they had been.
"I need to go back and talk to the team," Carter whispered.
"Whenever you're ready. You can stay here as long as you need, but when you're ready, we'll get you back." Not that Carter needed his help, but he wanted him to know that he would be there for him if he wanted him there.
"Soon, but not yet." Carter burrowed closer to Archer's chest.
Archer kissed the top of Carter's head, inhaling his scent. "You tell me what you need."
"This." Carter slid an arm around Archer's hip. "Just this."
"You have it." Archer held him tightly, and for the first time in weeks was sure that everything was going to work out fine. They had a lot to get through, but the fact that Carter was in his room, in his arms, and finally talking, meant that they still had a foundation to build on. That was enough. With nothing but time, they could do this.
