Page 92 of Hack
Archer nodded. "I love you too, and of course I want to try. That's all I've ever wanted with you." He stared into Carter's eyes. "It's not about you not being what I needed. It was the wondering if you'd let yourself love again."
Carter nodded. "That's one of the things I wanted to discuss. How about we get comfortable, order dinner, then talk?"
"Can I have a kiss first?" Archer asked.
Carter grinned. "Of course." He leaned in, softly brushing his mouth over Archer's, then pressed harder, deepening the kiss into something they hadn't shared together since the day he'd left Archer at the team house. God, he missed this. His body came alive, his pulse raced, and it was all from just a kiss. Beth was his past, but Archer was his future. He was sure of that. When he pulled back, he smiled. "It's been too long. I'm sorry about that."
"It's okay. I know you needed time, needed space."
Carter nodded as he stepped back and moved to pull a pair of sweats from his drawer. "You are probably the only one I could have been around the last few weeks. Somehow you knew not to push me. You gave me the space I needed and let me work through what I needed to. You knew somehow exactly what to do for me."
Archer shrugged. "I just figured that's what I would need if I was in your place. I'm going to run down the hall and change since most of my clothes are still in the other room. Meet you in the kitchen in a few?"
"Perfect." Carter watched him go.
As he finished changing, he tried to think about everything he wanted to talk about. There was so much. Talking to Archer was going to be easier than talking to the team. He had so much to explain. He'd put Archer through hell the last few weeks, and the fact that Archer was still with him, willing to give them a try, only cemented the feeling that he was making the right choices. Being with Archer was what he wanted.
He was glad they'd met when they had. He hated he'd put Archer through everything, but because they'd gone through it, their relationship would be stronger. He wasn't going to have to try and figure out how to tell Archer everything because he'd been there for most of it.
Once in the kitchen, he pulled out his phone and ordered dinner. With that done, he poured them each a drink, then set them on the table. While he waited for Archer, he quickly sent a message to Bryon, asking for a team meeting with everyone as soon as possible.
He got an immediate response letting him know that their weekly meeting was planned for tomorrow at six and everyone would be there. He responded back that he'd be there with Archer.
"Thanks for the drink." Archer sat down across the table from him.
"Figured we both could use one." Carter set his phone down. "We meet with the team tomorrow at six."
"Good. I'm glad you don't have to wait too long."
"Because you don't want to wait to hear what I'm going to say?"
Archer shook his head. "You'll tell me what I need to know when I need to know it. Mostly, I just needed to know where we stood. I didn't want to keep hoping we'd get back to where we were if your heart was still with another."
Carter nodded. "I'm sorry you had to even worry about that, but you are right, that was a lot of what was on my mind the last few weeks. I needed to let go of Beth, at least as far as relationships go. I mean, I'll always love her. She's the mother of my child, my first love, but I also realize she's not here anymore. She wouldn't want me holding on to her. She'd want me to love again." Carter took a sip of his drink as he collected his thoughts. "When we met and started having sex, I thought it was just going to be fun while we worked the case, but then I started to feel things for you. I struggled with those feelings. Up until you, sex had been nothing more than just a physical need. Beth had my heart and I didn't think anyone would change that. Then when I realized that I was falling for you, I felt guilty. I felt as if I was cheating on Beth, and I felt guilty because it was like she was there between you and me all the time. I'd hoped that killing Lyle would help me let go of her a little so we could move forward. When that didn't happen, I didn't know what the fuck to do. Killing Lyle was supposed to make it all better for me. I thought it was the final piece. Once he was gone, my pain would be gone. What killing Lyle did was make me face the fact that I never grieved. I never let Angel or Beth go. They were dead, but to me, they were still the center of my life. I spent all those years trying to find a way to bring them back in a sense. I thought finding and killing Lyle would do that in some way. The emptiness would go away." He shook his head. "It all made sense in my mind, even if it doesn't now when I say it out loud."
"No, I understand." Archer's hand wrapped around his glass. "Grief can be tricky, emotions hard to understand."
"When you showed up at the cemetery, I knew I had to decide what I wanted. In a way, it was almost like Beth had sent you there. I mean, any of the team could have shown up, but it was you. You knew where I'd be. You were the one who understood me. Then you just held me there. You didn't ask for anything, you didn't try to justify my sadness or tell me to let them go. You just held me. It was exactly what I needed. I've spent the last few weeks working through losing Angel and Beth. I never gave myself the time before. My anger took hold and I focused on that and my need for vengeance. I helped to create the team as a way to hunt for Lyle and take down men like him who were destroying other families. I don't regret the team. We've done good work, but I do regret never having dealt with my grief the way I should have. Even in counseling sessions that the team is required to go to, I denied everything. I refused to admit I hadn't let them go. I hadn't dealt with losing them." He sat back and sighed. "I had to let her go so I could be with you. It would have been unfair for us to move forward when I was still clinging to the past. That's why I needed that time to myself. I've never stopped caring about you, and some nights when I couldn't sleep, all I wanted was to come to you, but I couldn't do it until I was sure I could give you all of me."
"I don't mind sharing you with her. Like I said before, she is part of who you are. She was part of your life. She gave you Angel. I don't want you to forget her. I want to know her, know about your time with her. I feared that there wouldn't be room in your heart for another, but if there is, I'm willing to share the space with her."
"There's room." Carter smiled. "More than enough. It was filled with the pain of losing them. Once I got through that and let the pain go, it made room. I'll never stop hurting at the loss, but I realized I can either spend my life missing them or I can move on and live. Angel and Beth wouldn't want me sitting in front of their graves every day, feeling sorry for myself. They would want me happy, and you make me happy. If you're willing to deal with me and my issues, if you're willing to give us a try, I want us together."
"I want that. We all have issues. I have my own. Maybe not as intense as yours, but we all have clutter from our past that makes us who we are today."
Carter nodded. "I know you're on the road a lot, and I'll go with you when I can. It's going to take some figuring out, but we'll make it work."
Archer rubbed his chin. "I'm not sure I want to keep working the way I was. Being on the road all the time worked when I was alone, but now that we're together, I think I'd rather find something here so we can be together. I'm sure there are jobs here I could take. Hell, this is California, it's known for the things that keep investigators busy."
"I just don't want you making changes for me. I can work around whatever you choose. I would love to have you around all the time, but if that's not what you want, then don't do it."
"I'm tired of cheap motels and jumping from one plane to another to follow a paycheck. I want to try working here. We'll see how things go."
The doorbell rang and Carter got up to get the food. Once he brought it back into the kitchen, the two of them set it out over the table and started to eat.
"I'd like to spend time at your house too. I like it there, and I want to visit the cemetery more often than I have. I avoided it in the past, but now that I've dealt with a few of my issues, I'd like to visit them more."
"We can keep the house. I don't mind spending time in both places. I just want to do what is easy for you. I'm good anywhere, but I know your ties are here." Archer took a drink. "I'm easy going. We'll figure out what works for us. It's not as if I have to work all the time. We both have enough money to get by."
