Page 49 of Caged
"When my hand couldn't seem to do the job for him, I ended up blowing him. That did it, but now I feel like I took advantage of him and probably fucked him up even more than he already was." God, why was he even admitting to all this?
"Was he okay after?" Rani asked.
"Yeah, he seems to be. We talked a bit this morning and he says he wants to kiss and see how things go, but I'm not sure he is ready for any of this."
"He's the one who asked you to do all this, right?"
Marshall nodded. "Pretty much. I might have offered the blow job."
"But not once did you ask him to do anything to you?"
"Hell, no. I wouldn't."
"Then I don't see a problem. He's asked for help understanding things and dealing with his erections. You've communicated about it all, talked through it. If you're both comfortable with things, then why not help each other out. It might be the perfect way for him to see that not everyone wants to hurt him and that sexual things aren't always meant to be hurtful or painful." Rani stood, poured more tea in his glass, then sat back down. "I'm not sure you can put a timeline on when things are right and wrong. Like you, I'd think that it was too soon. Hell, after what he's been through, I'm not sure I'd ever want to think about anything sexual again, but if he is thinking it, who better than you to help him learn that it can be an enjoyable thing? "
"I just don't want to hurt him."
Rani watched him for a moment then smiled. "You're falling for him, aren't you?"
Marshall huffed a loud breath, then buried his head in his arms on top of the table. "I'm fucked, aren't I?"
Rani laughed. "I don't know about that, but you sure have your work cut out for you. Does he know how you feel?"
"Not really. He knows I like kissing and holding him. I asked him if I could do it in front of others and he agreed, but I'm not sure he understands what it all means. I don't want to mess with his emotions. It's his first real experiences, and I'm not sure I'm the one who should be leading him through it. What if I fuck him up even more than he already is?"
"What if you don't? What if you're exactly what he needs?" Rani raised a brow.
"How did I get myself into this?" Marshall got up and leaned against the counter. "I really like him, Rani, but sometimes I feel like a pervert taking advantage of some innocent child because he's been so secluded from the world. He's experiencing things most of us went through by fourteen."
"He's not a child. He's nineteen, and while he might be behind on experiencing things, it's not like he doesn't understand. He's been through hell and faced more than most of us will ever face in our lives. Maybe you need to stop focusing on him being a victim and focus more on him surviving everything he has. I get why you're scared, but I got the feeling from Danny when we talked, he isn't the type to sit back and just let you lead him. He's a pretty independent thinker. Talk to him, tell him your concerns, but if you are going to be honest with him about your fears, I think it's only fair you be honest about your feelings. He deserves to know this is more than sexual for you."
It sounded so easy, but it didn't feel that way.
"Maybe set up a session with his therapist where you both go in and talk about all this. Have someone there to help guide you through what you both want and need." Rani suggested.
"Yeah, maybe." Marshall tossed his water bottle in the trash. "So you don't think I'm horrible for what happened?"
"No, not at all. If it works for both of you, I'm happy that you've found each other. You're smart enough to know what he can handle and realize when you might need to slow down or pull back. And I'm pretty sure that Danny will let you know if he's not comfortable with things."
That was true. He did just that by not coming to bed with him. He'd stood his ground and stayed in his own room. He'd been honest about everything as far as Marshall knew, and seemed to openly communicate his worries without hesitation.
Maybe Rani was right and this wasn't as big a deal as he was making it.
"You're really falling for him, aren't you?" Rani asked.
"I think I could if I let myself. I like him a lot, and I have to admit, just kissing him does more for me than full-on sex has done with others. It just feels right. Like deep in here." He pounded on his chest. "It's not sexual, though there is that part of it, but…" He shook his head. "I'm sounding like a chic flick."
Rani laughed. "Sometimes women are better at understanding all this than we are."
The front door opened and Patrick came walking into the kitchen a moment later. "Hey, what's up?" He reached in the fridge and pulled out a beer.
"Not much. You?" Marshall asked.
"Not a lot. Got a date with a sexy doctor tonight." Patrick grinned at Rani. "You got any hints as to what I should do to make it work?"
"Are you looking for marriage or just sex?" Rani asked.
"Sex, Definity sex." Patrick waggled his eyebrows.
