Page 51 of Caged
"It is, but I didn't expect it from you." He laughed softly, then sighed. "Listen, I don't doubt that I probably should be dealing with it somehow, but I don't know how. My counselor is trying to get me to open up, but honestly, how do you tell someone about it all? How do you let them in your head, into your thoughts? It's not something I want to share."
"I promise, he's probably heard worse. If you don't get it out of your head, give it a voice, it will eat you up inside. Do you talk to Marshall about things?"
His cheeks heated and he turned away, hoping she didn't notice. He focused on putting the cookie tray in the oven. "Some, but he doesn't need to hear it either."
"You're trying to protect everyone from your nightmares, but that only makes your nightmares worse, trust me. I've been there. Can you talk to me since I know what it's like?" she asked softly.
He shook his head.
"You know, my brother is a cop here in Denver. He became a police officer because of what happened to me. You'd think it was to stop others from being hurt like I was, but it wasn't. Do you know why he became a cop?"
Danny shook his head.
"Because what happened to me fucked with him too. He became a cop so he could hunt down my rapists. That's why we moved to Denver. They're here in Colorado. Years ago, my brother would have probably broken every law to seek revenge and rushed in killing them both, but over the years and through a ton of counseling, we both calmed down a bit. We still want to make them pay, but we'll do it legally. We're watching and waiting for any reason to take them down. This didn't just fuck me up, but my family as well. It might have fucked my brother up even more than me. Finding me almost dead is something he can't seem to get through."
"But it should get easier in time. The more I focus on now and not looking back, I should start to forget."
Jessica frowned. "Do you really think you'll ever forget the shit that was done to you? I know I can't and it was only one day out of my life. You had years of it. I'm being blunt with you because I've lived through it. I don't have to tiptoe around things with you. I can be honest because I can say I do know what you're going through and will go through. Sure, it might be a bit different for all of us, but in the end, we were abused. Someone fucked with our heads, hurt our bodies, and took a part of us away that no matter how hard we try, we won't get back. I'm telling you, face this now while you can before it slowly eats you up inside. Talk to someone about it. At least get those feelings out. Say them out loud to someone, then move forward, but tell someone so you don't have to keep all those horrible secrets inside your head and feel so alone all of the time."
Danny blinked back tears. He didn't want to cry, but it was as if Jessica really did know how he was thinking and how things were messing with him. "I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me."
"I hate to tell you, but they already do. There's no changing that. You made the news. Anyone who connects the dots is going to feel for you. You'll have to get used to that." Jessica got up and came around the counter. She gripped Danny's arms gently and turned him to face her. "Trust me when I tell you that Marshall can handle whatever you tell him. He won't break because of it. And you've got an amazing counselor who is known for helping people who have been sexually assaulted. He knows what you're feeling. I'm sure he's heard it all in his career."
"How do you know my counselor?" Danny asked, shocked.
"Marshall mentioned his name at work. I looked him up." She shrugged. "I wanted to make sure you had someone good."
Danny sighed.
"If you can't talk to them, then talk to me. Just talk. It doesn't matter who you pick."
He bowed his head.
Jessica kissed his brow. "I'll back off for now. Lecture's been given, but when the subject comes up again, and it will, I want you to be able to honestly tell me you've started opening up to someone about what's going on in here." She tapped his temple.
"Okay." He nodded.
"Good." She pulled him into a hug. "It's not easy, but you're not alone."
"That helps. Thanks." He pulled back. "Can I ask you something personal?"
"Sure." She looked at him curiously.
Heat rushed up his neck and he turned to the counter again so he wasn't facing her. "After your attack, were you ever able to be normal again? I mean sexually?"
Jessica smiled. "You mean am I able to have sex now without screaming my head off and freaking out?"
He nodded.
"It took some time, and it took the right man who knew about my past and understood I needed to go slow. There are still certain things that bother me. I can't be held down in any way. I can be on the bottom, but he can't hold me there. And there are a few words that will have me shutting down. Names or things that my attackers said that pulled me right back into the moment if a lover says them. I find that if I'm honest with the person before we have sex, they are willing to be careful what they do or say. Are you worried about it too?"
"A little. I don't think I could let a man take me that way again."
"So you'd choose to be with a man, not a woman?" Jessica asked softly.
Danny nodded. That much had been confirmed with what he'd done with Marshall. He really liked men. He couldn't see himself doing any of that with a woman.
"When you date and find the right man to be with, you tell him a little about your past and that you can't do certain things. If he's the right man for you, he'll understand that. No one who cares about you will ever ask you to do things you can't. If that person can't be in a relationship without doing the things you won't do, then he isn't the right man for you." She smiled. "I have no doubt in time, you'll find the right man."
