Page 63 of Caged
"You mean be boyfriends?"
Marshall nodded.
"I want that."
A look of relief flowed over Marshall's face. "So do I."
"But…" Danny sighed. "I have issues."
"Okay, and I have worries."
Danny swallowed hard. "You go first. What worries?"
Marshall caressed Danny's hand with his thumb. "I'm worried I'm moving too fast. Pushing you into something you might not be ready for. I really like you, Danny. A lot. I didn't mean it to happen, but it did. I can see a future for us, but I know you've just found your freedom and are trying to figure things out. You've gone through hell the past twelve years. I worry that I'm rushing things. I know logically, you're going to have issues because of the sexual abuse you went through, and by me wanting you, I'm not letting you heal from what you've gone through."
Danny nodded. "You haven't pushed me. We've both been willing in this. I asked you for that first kiss, asked you to do things with me. I needed that in a way so I could heal. I needed to see that there was a good side to sex and intimacy. Learn that sex could be something other than painful and violent. I've got issues, I'm the first to admit that, and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely okay. There are things that scare me, things I don't think I can do sexually that might change the way you feel about me."
"Like?" Marshall asked still caressing his hand.
"Sex," Danny told him honestly. There was no reason to hold back. If they were going to talk about all of this, it all needed to be out in the open. "I'm afraid I might never be okay with sex. I was fine with what we've done so far, but when I think about someone holding me down, taking me the way Larry did, I feel sick to my stomach and the beginnings of a panic attack starts to hit. I know that's a big part of a relationship between two men, so I'd understand if it changes things for you, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that again with anyone."
Marshall smiled. "That's what is worrying you? Honey, don't even let that be an issue. If we never do more than we have, we'd have enough. Yeah, I like sex, but sex doesn't mean penetration. There are blow jobs, hand jobs, caressing, cuddling, and just plain good old making out. There's watching each other the way we did the other night. All of that is enough. Yeah, I want someone I can be intimate with, but that doesn't mean it has to be anal sex." Marshall released Danny's hand and reached up to caress his cheek. "But you need to know something now. If we ever do get to the point where you want to try anal play, I'm not looking to hold you down and take you. It's not what I like. I'd be begging you to take me. I'm a bottom, which means that I am shamelessly happy when someone is fucking me. I'm not interested a bit in taking someone else. When we played on the couch the other night, not once did I think of myself inside you, but I thought a lot about your perfect thick cock inside of me."
Danny's cheeks heated at the visual. "But I'm so big."
"I know." Marshall grinned and his eyes twinkled. "That makes me want it more."
Danny shook his head. "But it would hurt."
"No, when you care about each other sex isn't painful. You do things slowly, make it so it doesn't hurt. I want it clear right now that I'm okay if we never do anything anal. I'm just as happy being how we are right now, but if we ever do take that step and try it, there will be no pain for either of us, only pleasure."
"You'd really go without it to be with me?"
"Absolutely," Marshall assured him. "But I need to know you want this and aren't doing it because you're feeling like you have to. You have a place to stay no matter if we are together or not. You don't have to be with me in order to stay here. We are friends first. I don't want you under any pressure to be physical with me. Even in a relationship, we go as slow as you need to. No rushing into anything. The last thing I want, the thing I fear the most is that I will hurt you more than you've already been hurt."
"I've never done anything with you that I haven't wanted to. I was just so scared that you'd want stuff I couldn't give. I can't be held down. I can't have someone take me that way. I'm not even sure I could give you a blow job and let you come in my mouth. I know I could use my mouth on you, but not if it got rough, and I'm not sure I could let you do that in my mouth. It was something he made me do, and I'm not sure I can get past those memories." Danny relaxed a little, glad that things weren't going to be as big an issue as he'd expected. He still had worries, but Marshall was easing them. How could he be lucky enough to find someone who would understand him and why he couldn't do certain things? It was like fate had put Marshall next door so Danny could find him.
"Holding you, kissing you, and just spending time together is enough for me. I love waking up next to you, holding hands when we watch a movie, laughing together when we go out. Sex isn't important. If things happen, they happen. If they don't, then that's okay too. I just needed to be sure you didn't feel any pressure from me to be together."
"None," Danny assured him. "I want us to try. I was lucky enough to run to you when I escaped, and I have to believe that it was you for a reason. This isn't because you saved me, but because you care for me and I care for you. If you can deal with my sexual issues, then I'm not worried about anything."
"Then it looks like we have nothing to worry about." Marshall leaned in and kissed him. "We'll face whatever happens together."
"Together," Danny repeated, liking that word.
"There's one more thing I want to talk to you about." Marshall sat back. "It's about Larry."
Danny tensed. "They found him?"
"No, but I found some stuff that might help us. Do you remember Larry ever talking about a film company called Lamp Light?"
"No." Danny frowned. "A film company, like one that makes movies?"
"Documentaries on historical places. They don't have a lot out there, but a few things. It was just a link I tracked to Larry's past and his extended family. What about Colorado Springs? Did Larry ever mention anything there?"
"Is that where you think he is?"
"I honestly don't know." Marshall stared at him. "It's just links to other things, but hopefully one of those links will lead to him. I have to check out everything I can."
