Page 68 of Caged
"Not yet, but they're looking. Did yours get caught?"
"He did. He's in prison now. It helps to know that." She smiled. "Hopefully they'll catch yours too."
"I hope so. It would help. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. I really don't want to bring it up with Marshall, ya know? I feel like I should be stronger sometimes."
Faith frowned. "You have to talk about it. It's the one thing I learned. Holding it all in makes it worse. Do you have a counselor?"
"Yeah, he's easy to talk to, but I don't always know how much to tell him."
"Like you're trying to protect him from knowing what you went through?" Faith nodded as if she understood. "I did that a lot too. Especially with my dad. I mean, I know he knew what had happened. I couldn't hide the fact I'd been raped, but it's like if I said it to him, I'd be hurting him. It took a long time before I could talk about it to anyone, and even still, I'll go to Xander before I'll go to my dad about a lot of things."
Danny was fascinated with Faith. She was so open about things. She understood what he'd gone through, at least to a point. Without saying it out loud, she related. "It does get better?"
"It does. I mean, I always remember, but it's like another life, not the one I'm living now. I still have an occasional nightmare, and I'm still seeing my counselor once a week, but it's easier. It's not on my mind all of the time. Sometimes I can go days without thinking about it now. Before, I thought about it all the time. I'm guessing that's what you're going through now." She took a drink of her soda, then wiped her mouth. "I found that I had to tell someone all of it. Everything I could remember. Once I did that, it was like I purged it from my system. It got easier and wasn't so heavy to carry. I didn't feel like it was a secret anymore. I mean, yeah, people knew, but they really didn't know. They weren't there. They just had ideas and assumed, but I needed to tell someone how I felt during it. How his voice made me feel. How being locked in a small room felt."
"You told your counselor all that?" His eyes went wide. He couldn't imagine telling anyone all the details. He was embarrassed by it all, not to mention ashamed he'd let it happen to him.
"It took time, but slowly the whole story came out. Trust me, there are things I hope my dads never find out. Things I could only tell my counselor. She's like my safe place. The one place I can go where I won't be pitied. She doesn't look at me like a lot of people do. You know that sad look like you've caught some fatal disease."
"That's my biggest fear. It's why I only go out with Marshall or come to these dinners. No one here gives me that look, but I know others will. They'll blame me for going with Larry and giving him the chance to kidnap me."
"If anyone tries to blame you, you tell them to fuck off. It wasn't your fault. I lived really close to school and it still happened to me. It can happen to anyone and it's never our fault. No matter what. You need to tell yourself that over and over until you believe it. All the blame goes on the assholes who took us."
"But I went with him."
"He lured you, didn't he? What did he use, candy, a kitten?"
"A puppy." Danny ducked his head.
"See, he manipulated the situation to get what he wanted. You were a kid. You didn't know any better. He's the one who broke the law. The one who did wrong. Never you." She reached out and rested her hand on his. "You've got to understand that what happened wasn't your fault. Until you learn that, you won't ever be able to deal with the rest of it."
Danny shook his head. "It's not that easy."
"No, it's not. I know." She smiled at him. "I know exactly how hard it is. I also know how much easier it was once I let the guilt go."
"You have a normal life now?" He asked.
"I think so. I still don't date seriously. I've been to dances and stuff at school, but I'm not ready for more. I don't tell people what happened to me. I mean, some know. They went to school with me back then, but others don't. It's something I won't bring up with someone until I'm in a serious relationship, which, considering I'm focused on becoming a doctor right now, I don't think I need to worry about that for a while." She glanced over at Marshall who had casually moved away to leave them to talk. He was now laughing at something Jeremy said. "How about you? If Marshall's your boyfriend, you must be more comfortable with him."
Danny nodded. "To a point. I still have issues. I'm trying to deal with them and Marshall is patient, but I worry I might be too messed up for him to stick around long-term."
"He might surprise you. This whole group…" She gestured to everyone in the yard. "They're stronger than you could ever imagine. Seriously, some of the best people I've ever met. D and Xander were my guardians for a long time. They'd go places with me, take me to and from school, do whatever I asked of them. Dad struggled because I kind of closed him out, but that was because I was embarrassed. Dad's shouldn't know that kind of stuff about their kids."
"What about your mom?"
"She died before all this happened," Faith said softly.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My mom committed suicide while I was being held." He hated how his voice shook as he said the words. It was something he still really struggled to understand.
"Oh, that's horrible. I'm sorry. So you found out once you were released?"
He nodded.
"Wow, that had to add to your stress for sure." She touched his arm. "Do you have other family?"
"No. I was going to be sent to a half-way house, but that's when Marshall offered to take me in." He glanced over at Marshall. "I don't know what I'd have done without him."
She smiled. "You would have survived. It's what you're good at. You learned how a long time ago."
