Page 69 of Caged
"I don't feel like a survivor," he admitted.
"I need to make you a list of things to discuss with your counselor," she teased.
"Maybe you should just take his place. You're easier to talk to."
"Because I've been there. It's easier when others have lived what you have."
"How long are you in town?" Danny asked, wishing she never had to leave.
"We're not sure yet. At least a week. This will be my last chance to visit D since I'm headed to school in Pennsylvania in the fall. It's going to be hard being away from everyone. It's been really hard since D left California anyway."
He wondered why a young girl would be so close to such an odd group of men. Were most kids close to their father's friends? It didn't really make sense to him. "You're close to him?"
"D's like family. All the guys who work in California are. Beau is the reason I want to be a doctor. He's the one who kept me focused so I had the grades to get into a good school." She smiled. "The guys here are great too, I just don't know them as well. We've only visited a few times."
Danny stared at her, totally enthralled with Faith. She gave him hope that he might someday have his life as together as she seemed to. He wanted to know more about her kidnapping, wanted to know how she overcame the pain, but he wasn't sure it was polite to ask. "You seem really motivated. How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Let go of what happened to you."
Faith smiled. "Time mostly, but also good support from my friends, from my dad's friends, and like I said, talking to my counselor about everything."
"It's not that easy."
"It is once you let yourself trust."
He sighed. That was easier said than done.
"You know, once you get past being ashamed, it's easier. You have nothing to be ashamed about."
How could she read him so well?
"Tell him your story. Tell him what happened. Get it off your chest."
"You make it sound so easy, but…" He shook his head. "Gary tries to get me to open up. He asks questions, tries to lead me into certain conversations, but I just worry…" Danny kicked the toe of his shoe at the ground, unsure what to say.
"You're worried he'll look at you differently if he knows everything?" Faith asked.
Danny's head snapped up.
"I worried about that too, but then I realized, she already knew. It was in the news, the details weren't there, but she knew I'd been raped multiple times. She knew it was filmed and photographed. I wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know about me other than how all that made me feel. Once I got into my feelings about everything, I was able to relax and talk about it easier." Faith gestured to the people around them. "They all know what happened to both of us. They don't treat us different. They don't look at us different. I realized that most of the fear I had about what others would think of me came from what I was thinking of myself at the time. I thought I was used, dirty, ruined. I thought I'd been stupid for letting it happen. I thought everyone would blame me."
Her words hit hard because those were all things he was thinking. God, how could a stranger understand what he was going through so well?
"None of it's true. You're not broken, weak, used. And no one blames you. Blame sits on the men who hurt us, not on us." She reached for his hand. "When's your next counseling session?"
"Tomorrow."
"If I make you a list, do you think you're strong enough to take it with you and go down the items one at a time and start opening up?"
He bit his lip. He wasn't sure he was strong enough.
"Want me to have someone email your counselor the list?"
He sighed.
"You're not going to heal until you get it out in the open. Telling someone is the only way to keep it from eating you up inside. It's going to destroy you if you don't let it out. You can't keep blaming yourself."
