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"I've wondered that too. I'm not sure I can go back to doing what I did before. Which sucks because I'm good at it. I just can't see myself being able to separate my emotions from it anymore." He took a drink of lemonade, then looked at Ben. "But what the hell do I do if I don't do what I've always done?"
Ben smiled. "That's kind of where I am. I need to get a place to live. My apartment was part of my cover. Do I buy a house, get another apartment? Do I even want to stay in the area or move clear across the country? Part of me thinks fishing in Alaska for a few months sounds like the perfect way to get my head back in the right place, but then I almost feel as if I'm running away."
"Is running away so bad?" Trenton asked. "I know I'd love to just take off and not have to face all the questions, all the looks. They keep comparing me to Faith. She was kidnapped when she was young and held by a pedophile. We rescued her. Yeah, we both were raped and held hostage, but our experiences were very different. What worked to heal her isn't going to help me the same way." Trenton shifted in his seat. "Truth is, I don't want to talk about it all, but I know they are going to try and make me talk. Even if it's to Katie, I'm just not ready for it. I need some time and I worry they won't give me time."
"So you're saying I should pack two fishing poles because you'll be hiding out with me." Ben grinned.
"Something like that." Trenton sighed. "I'm so tired. I just want to go home to my own bed. I want my own things."
"You got someone picking you up tomorrow?"
"Yeah, Bryon and Becca are going to get me home, then Faith will be over about six with dinner. If you want to show up a bit before that so I'm not alone, that would be great." Then he sighed. "That sounds wrong. I'm not trying to use you to keep me safe from their being overbearing and over-worried pain in the asses, I really do want you to come over and enjoy dinner with us."
Ben smiled. "It's okay if you need someone to run interference for a bit. You've been through hell, and while I'm sure they're good friends, I do know they love you like family, and family can be the last thing a person needs around when they need time to heal. Family and close friends will expect you to be the Trenton you were before. They won't understand that after everything you've been through, you might never go back to being the same again."
Trenton looked up. "How is it you get me? You'd think doing what we do, the team would understand. I know Faith went through the same thing of sorts, but even she looks at me like she wants to just fix everything and make it better. Hell, maybe I'm just paranoid that's what they want to do and reading too much into things."
"Does it matter? It's how you feel and that's not wrong. If you need time, then take time. If that means you tell your friends and family to leave you alone for a while until you're ready to handle things, then so be it. No one should tell you how to heal from this. I don't care if they all went through the same thing, you're all going to heal differently."
Trenton put the lid back on the cheese and pushed it aside. "I hate that everything feels different."
"I don't think anyone would expect you to jump back into your old life and not have changes. You're not the same person you were a few weeks ago."
"But I dealt with that stuff daily. It was my job to search out the videos, the photographs, the perverts. It was my job to collect the evidence so the others could do their job."
"You collected the evidence. This time you are the evidence. There's a big difference. I don't mean to be so blunt, but… Well hell, yes, I do mean to be blunt because there's no other way to be. In the past, you could separate your life from work, but this time, work became your life. You're not looking at another person's suffering, you're looking at your own. It changes everything."
"How do you sleep at night?" Trenton asked.
"I don't. At least not well. I can't remember the last full night's sleep I had where I didn't wake up from hearing kids screaming or dreaming about something I saw. I try to tell myself it was just a job, but it wasn't. It was a living nightmare. The first night I worked, it was bad. I was in training with Stan. He's the guy who beat the other guy you were brought in with. Anyway, he was vicious. He would pull girls out of the cages and rape them whenever he desired. There were three or four a night sometimes, and he'd do it right there with everyone watching. He kept offering them to me, but I couldn't. I went home that night and spent hours throwing up and crying. I almost quit my job, but then I remembered the woman's face and knew if I didn't stay, she might never get help. I told myself that night after night to get myself through it, hoping and thinking that in just a few days, the captain would say we had all the evidence we needed and we'd save everyone. But that day never came." Ben stared out the small window of the room because it was easier to talk if he wasn't looking directly at Trenton. "It doesn't make sense to me. Why did the chief put us in there in the first place? You'd think he'd want to cover up any knowledge of the place, not put an undercover sting operation on it. What did he think would happen? And who brought this to the chief's attention so that he had to do something about it?"
"Did you ask the D.A.?" Trenton asked.
"Yeah, but he's not sharing info yet. I can tell he knows more than he's letting on, and I understand that, but it's hard not to get the answers I want quickly. I feel like they're patting me on the back, saying good job, then shooing me out of the room so the adults can talk."
Trenton grinned. "I felt the same way. I swear they asked me the same questions they were probably using to interview the six-year-olds they rescued. When I started using much more adult language and details, they looked a little shocked."
Ben looked up as a young woman walked in.
"Shit, save me. She looks innocent, but she's mean." Trenton sighed as the woman smiled.
"You just don't like therapy." She set a clipboard down on the bed. "I promise, unless for some reason you aren't discharged in the morning, this will be our last torture session."
"I think that's my cue to head out." He took the pen from the small bedside table and quickly wrote his number on a napkin for Trenton. "If you're serious about tomorrow night, text me the address. I'm glad you're doing well enough to get out of this place."
"Thanks, Ben. Seriously, for everything."
"It took both of us to make it all happen. Good luck with your torture session." He grinned at the young therapist, then gave Trenton a wave before heading out the door.
As he walked to his car, he was glad he'd dropped by. He wasn't sure if they could salvage a friendship out of this, but for now, it was nice to have someone around who understood and had been there. As much as Trenton seemed to need to lean on him, he needed Trenton as well.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Trenton sat on his couch, staring out his window. Bryon and Becca just left, and for the first time since before he was taken, he was finally alone. He didn't count being alone in the hospital room. It was different there. Someone could always walk in. Here, this was alone. No one was going to knock on his door or barge in to do a blood test. Nope, he was finally alone, and he hated it.
He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them as he tried to sort through the thoughts and figure out why being alone left him so uncomfortable, but he couldn't figure it out. His leg ached, but he ignored the pain, refusing to acknowledge the injury. He knew no one was going to come take him again. He was safe in his home. Still, there was an uneasiness he couldn't push away. Like he was on the edge, waiting for something to happen. Like he knew evil was on the other side of the door and would open it at any minute.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing. He could handle this. It was just a small anxiety attack. He would be okay. Faith would be over in an hour or so, and he'd messaged Ben to come a bit earlier. As soon as someone was with him, the fear and restlessness would go away.
