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He didn't like needing others, and he'd never admit openly that he did. Still, he watched the door, counting the minutes until someone arrived. He thought about turning on the T.V., but the evening news was on, and there would be reports about the mansion and what went on there. He didn't need the memories. If he turned on the T.V., he'd end up watching for information. He just couldn't help himself. Like when he was working on a case for the team, he wanted to know everything, collect the evidence, and build a case that would put everyone away. The fact that he couldn't do that with this case was hard. He needed to stay out of it for his own sanity, because digging into any part of it would stir memories.
He looked around his apartment, taking in everything. The team had stocked his fridge and made sure everything was clean, but his brother hadn't really left any mess. He wasn't upset his brother didn't stay until he got home. His brother didn't do well with drama or chaos. He liked his quiet life and Trenton understood that. They'd both been through a lot growing up, his brother more so than him. He'd actually been shocked his brother had come down at all. They'd talked on the phone often once he'd been rescued and it was enough. His real support came from the team, just like it always had.
Still, he wasn't sure the team was what he needed right now. Even if they tried to keep from discussing work, it always popped up in conversation, and hunting pedophiles and searching for evidence weren't things he was ready to focus on yet. He wasn't sure he ever would be ready.
The sudden knock on his door had him jumping, causing his arm and leg both to hurt. He sighed as he stood, hating he had to take the time to use the scooter to move anywhere. It rolled awkward on his living room carpet, and he took longer than he wanted to get to the door. He glanced through the peephole, and relief swept through him at the site of Ben. He quickly unlocked the door and tried to ease back out of the way to let him in. "Hey, glad you came." He meant that more than Ben would ever know. Just having someone else around seemed to calm him and take away the edginess that plagued him.
"Thanks." Ben held a box. "I brought a cake I picked up from the bakery. I hope you like chocolate."
"I love it." Trenton gestured to the kitchen. "Go ahead and put it in there. I'm too slow with this thing to do much of anything."
"Still getting used to it?" Ben asked as he headed to the small kitchen.
"I thought I had it down until I had to tackle this carpet." Trenton closed and locked the door, thinking about how he would never have locked it before when he'd been home, especially knowing Faith would be over soon.
"Yeah, I can see how that would make it difficult. Still, I think it would almost be better than crutches." Ben disappeared in the kitchen, then was back out just as fast. "Can I help you in any way?"
Trenton shook his head. "Just forgive me if I'm not a great host." He made it to the couch, got the scooter in position, then eased down so he was sitting. "And maybe answer the door when Faith shows."
"I can do that." Ben smiled as he took a seat in the chair across from Trenton. "Nice to be home?"
Trenton hesitated, wondering how honest he wanted to be. "It's too quiet. Is that weird? You'd think after everything I'd want quiet. I'd want my own space. It's just that I sit here and start to think too much."
Ben nodded but didn't say anything.
"At the hospital, I couldn't wait to come home, now I almost wish I was back there." He looked at Ben. "When does it get easier?"
"I'm not sure. What we're going through is different. I'm dealing with the guilt that I took part in any of the crimes committed. I struggle to justify not stopping it sooner. You're dealing with having been a victim of those crimes, of not having the power to stand up and fight for yourself. We had two different experiences. I can't tell you how to heal from yours, just like you can't tell me how to heal from mine. They can tell us to talk to someone, to get therapy, but you know as well as I do that every time they say that you just want to yell, because if you're anything like me, you feel you should be strong enough to handle it on your own. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I'm not comfortable talking to anyone about what happened there. I don't want anyone to have to know how horrible it was."
"That's why I can talk to you. You do know. You were there. I can't talk to Katie or anyone else. I don't want them knowing what was done to me." Trenton's eyes filled with unshed tears. "I mean, they know, at least have some idea, but they don't really know. They'll never understand the way you and I do." He swiped at the tears as they fell. "Fuck, if I'm this big of a mess after everything, can you imagine what those poor kids are going through?"
Ben stood and went to the kitchen. When he returned he held out a paper towel. "Those kids will have a lot more help than you do. The therapy will be forced on them. You're an adult. They can suggest it, but only you can decide to take what is offered. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about things. I know I sure as hell don't want to. I think it's just going to take time. For you, you need to learn to trust yourself again, and trust others around you. For me, I need to find a way to forgive myself and not hate everyone who put me in that position. I'm so fucking mad at the department. They should have known. They should have seen what was going on. Someone other than the chief and captain knew we were working there. Something happened to force the chief to send us in. I want answers, but I fear I'll never get them."
Trenton sighed as a knock came at the door. "That's Faith, will you let her in?" He used the paper towel to wipe his eyes.
"You ready?" Ben asked from the door.
"Yeah, thanks." He took a deep breath and hid the paper towel in his pocket. He needed to be okay for Faith, and somehow, Ben knew that. He watched as Ben looked out the peephole, then opened the door.
"You must be Faith, or I'm letting some strange, young woman in." Ben smiled. "Here, let me help."
"Thanks, you must be Ben. Trenton told me you'd be joining us." She handed him a stack of Tupperware dishes. "Just set everything on the kitchen counter. I'll take it from there. I just need to do a few simple things and it's ready." Faith smiled across the room at Trenton. "Hey, you holding up?"
He hoped his eyes weren't red. It had only been a few tears. "I'm good. Just tired. I keep forgetting I'm not in top shape anymore."
"We'll get you back into shape in no time." She hurried to the kitchen.
Trenton sighed, wondering if he would ever be back to the same condition he'd been in before. He'd lost a good twenty pounds or more. A lot of it had been muscle because he found himself weaker than he remembered. He also tired quickly, and it was from more than just his injuries. Beau had sworn the drugs would have no lasting effect on him, but that didn't mean all the days of freezing and starving wouldn't. Despite the fact he'd been eating a ton since he'd been rescued, he still hadn't gained any weight or strength back.
Ben walked out, his eyes filled with amusement. "She just kicked me out and said she'd call us in when she was ready."
"Sounds like Faith. She's worried we might learn the secrets to her meatballs." He spoke loud enough for her to hear.
"You'll never get my secret," Faith called back.
Ben laughed. "These better be amazing meatballs."
"The best." Trenton smiled. "I remember when she was about fourteen, she told me that she hated cooking, then she met this girl at school and her mother was some big-time chef for the Hollywood elite. I don't know what happened, but the next thing I knew, Faith was cooking for the team almost nightly.
