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"Thanks." Trenton took a shaky breath and stood up from the floor and retook his spot on the couch where they'd been before they'd both fallen asleep. "I'm sorry you had to see that."
Ben didn't answer until he was back from the kitchen with a glass of cold water. He handed it to Trenton. "I'm not. If nothing else, I was here to make sure you're safe and that you didn't tear up your apartment the way I did mine. I'm pretty sure the department won't be getting their security deposit back."
Trenton gave a small smile. "I'm not sure I have it in me to be mad yet. That's just it, I don't know what I feel." He reached for another tissue. "I hate myself for getting taken in the first place. I know better than most what to watch for. I hate I didn't fight more, but I know if I did, I would have had it worse. There are so many things I would change now that I'm free, but I know deep inside what I did in there was to keep me alive so I could get out."
"You did everything you could to stay alive. Don't question any of that. Anything you did was so you could walk out of there at some point." Ben didn't add in his own guilt that if he'd acted faster, he could have had them all out of there sooner. If he'd only been stronger and not worried about his job. He should have followed his gut.
"Did you ever work upstairs?" Trenton asked.
Ben shook his head, but then spoke since only the dim light of the T.V. filled the room. "No. I never went up there." He didn't want to think about what happened upstairs. He'd heard enough stories. Witnessing it would be too much. But then Trenton had experienced it. He'd lived through the hell of what happened in those rooms.
"The walls were thin. You could hear the screams from the other rooms. Hear the laughter of the abusers as they did whatever they desired. The screams from the cages were bad enough, but from those rooms, it was worse. When they finished with you, they would leave you there and you'd have to just listen to the others. Imagine what was happening to them."
Ben closed his eyes.
"How do I forget that? How do I sit here alone and not hear those screams in my head?"
"I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. I can tell you what everyone else will and say time will help, but we both know that's bullshit. Time won't stop the memories of what happened there from haunting us. It will never go away, and I'm not sure I want to just accept that it's going to always be part of my life. I don't want a future where I know every time I try to close my eyes and go to sleep, the memories are going to haunt me." He reached over and touched Trenton's arm. "I do know, I watched you be strong and go through hell with the will to survive the worst things anyone can go through. I can't tell you if you'll ever be who you were before all this, but I can tell you, the man I know is a survivor, and no matter how hard it is to move forward, you will. You won't let what happened to you dictate your future. It might not be today, hell, it might not even be this year, but you will find a way to move on with life and not let those who took you win."
"You think I'm stronger than I am." Trenton arched his head back as if staring at the ceiling.
"No, I think the last few weeks made you forget just how strong you are. You just need time to remember. Stop trying to be okay right now. Give yourself time to deal with everything you went through. I don't think anyone who was at that mansion is going to just pick up the pieces and move on right away. It's okay to take time. Don't let your team, your therapist, or even me try to tell you when you should be okay. It's going to be different for all of us." Ben sighed. "I hate talking like I'm including myself in this. I didn't go through half the stuff you and the others did. In fact, if anything, I failed to stop it quicker. All I'm saying is, I know how bad it was there and I would never blame you for needing time to get through it all. But I also won't let you sink deeper into yourself the way many of the others did while in the cages. The fact you're free now doesn't give you permission to withdraw now. You fought then to survive, and you'll fight now." Ben caressed his finger over Trenton's arm. "You need someone around to keep you moving forward. Your team knows that. If you push me away, one of them will step in. You know that. I don't care if it's me, Faith, or someone else, you need someone checking on you every day."
"And who checks on you?" Trenton asked.
"I guess you do." He didn't have anyone else. The few guys he worked with weren't that close, especially now that everything had happened and he'd quit the department. "For me, the risk isn't so much I might withdraw from society and hide in my room. It's more I'll try and wash away my guilt with booze. You have no idea how many nights this week I've wanted to just pick up a bottle and drink until I forget. I won't because my father used to do that. He'd drink until he forgot he had kids. Drink until he forgot he shouldn't hit his wife. I don't want to forget if that's what I become." He shook his head. "Sorry."
Trenton reached up and took his hand. "Don't be sorry. You're dealing with a ton of shit too. We both have to figure out how to handle it all. I'm sorry your father was like that. That's something else we have in common." Trenton sighed. "I'm going to try to push you away, but the truth is, I need you. I don't want the team here. I don't want to have to explain why I'm having nightmares or what they are about. You know already what I dream. I'm a mess right now, but I'm scared to be alone. I feel like someone is always watching me or like someone is going to crash through the door any minute and take me back there. I know you have a life, but I'd appreciated it you really would stop by once a day and make sure I'm not curled up in a ball, losing my mind."
Ben couldn't refuse. He needed Trenton just about as much as he needed him. "And you'll keep me from picking up that bottle and drinking the memories away?"
Trenton threaded their fingers together, holding his hand tightly. "I might make you want to drink more."
"No, you will remind me why I can't. You'll remind me that we both have to find a way without self-destructing." He gave their joined hands a squeeze. "We're going to be okay. I don't know how long it will take, but we'll be okay."
Trenton nodded. "I hope so. I hate being scared."
Ben knew how hard it was for a man to admit his fear, but he knew Trenton wasn't lying about how scared he was. "Want me to stay on the couch tonight so you're not alone?"
Trenton nodded. "You sure you don't mind?"
"Not at all. Go grab me a blanket and I'll turn off the T.V. and double-check the door is locked." He released Trenton's hand. "We'll get through this together."
"Thanks." Trenton slowly stood. "I might even be nice enough to find a pillow."
Considering how many nights Ben had left Trenton to sleep on the cold cement floor, anything was a blessing and undeserved. It was the past and they were going to try to move forward. He couldn't keep thinking that way. "That would be appreciated."
As he waited for Trenton, he wondered about their friendship. It made little sense, but then again it made perfect sense. They'd both been through hell and seen things they'd never forget, but he couldn't get past the thought that Trenton should hate him. He should blame him for at least the things that happened while he was in the basement, including what Dr. Frank had done to him. How Trenton could forgive him for that, he'd never know, but he also knew he needed Trenton's support just as much. He just wasn't as willing to admit it yet. He was more fucked up than anyone knew, and he wasn't exactly sure what to do with that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Trenton stared out the car window at the people walking in and out of the mall entrance. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but the thought of walking into a public place now scared the hell out of him. It wasn't as if anyone would know him. People wouldn't associate him with the Mansion of Horrors as the media had correctly named the place he'd been held.
"We don't have to go in. We can find another place that isn't so crowded." Ben turned off the ignition and pulled out the key.
"No, I need to do this." He'd lost so much weight that most of his clothes didn't fit right anymore. He needed to replace almost everything. "This shouldn't be a big deal."
"But it is, so we deal with it. There are two choices, we wait and try again later or we face it and go inside."
