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"I need clothes." He hated that even his underwear was baggy. "And I need to face this fear. I could see a fear of being alone, a fear of the dark, a fear of chain-link even, but this makes no sense." He shook his head. "This isn't who I am. I don't let anything stop me."
"Then don't let this." Ben met his gaze.
"You're right. In and out. It won't be bad once I figure out my new sizes." He put his hand on the handle to open the door. It took him a few seconds, but he finally pushed it open.
The afternoon heat hit him as he forced himself to get out of the car. He shut the door and tried not to let the sound of Ben locking the car bother him. He should fear being locked in, not locked out. He was so messed up. Making sure to keep the weight off his leg, he waited for Ben to bring his knee scooter over so he could get around.
"Let's get clothes, then I'll buy us Mexican for dinner. We can take it home and find another movie." Ben set the scooter in place.
"Sounds good." Trenton focused on the mall's entry and started to walk. Over the last four days, Ben had hardly left his side. Other than running a few errands and a couple of meetings with the D.A., he'd spent all of his time with him. It was more than Trenton expected, but it was also very much appreciated. In just the hour or two he was left alone, he felt the fear begin and the walls start to close in around him. He'd refused to ask any of the team over to keep him company, not wanting them to know what a mess he'd become.
"Where first?"
Trenton named the store he wanted to go to. One he knew well and would be comfortable in. His goal was to get what he needed and get out. There was no reason why he was suddenly nervous around groups of people or maybe it was just being out in the open, but it was taking everything he had not to run back to the car.
"You okay?" Ben asked softly.
"Yeah, I will be. Is it weird to feel like everyone knows? I mean, I know they don't, but I feel like they do."
"I don't know if it's normal, but if it's how you feel, then it's important. We talked about this, there is no right or wrong." Ben nodded to the store Trenton named. "Want me to stay by your side or let you browse alone?"
"I'll be okay alone." He prayed he was telling the truth. He'd focus on the clothes and not the other people around. "Just don't go far."
"I won't let you out of sight." Ben gripped his good shoulder before turning to browse through a rack of shirts.
Trenton did as he always did, starting with pants, then shirts. He used to love shopping. He'd bring Faith and they'd spend thousands of dollars buying things they'd pick out for each other. He thought about bringing her this time, but he didn't want her to know how hard just getting through each day had become. As far as the team knew, he was hanging out with Ben and doing fine. They hadn't pushed him to come back to work. For that he was thankful. He just couldn't even think about signing on to the dark web and going through the things he used to.
He wondered how the team would react if he never went back. The more he thought about things, the more he was sure his time with the team was done. Not just because of his kidnapping, but he was burned out and tired. Years of watching kids tortured and abused had taken a toll on him. He wanted to travel, see the world, and forget the darkness that he'd faced every day at work. What he would do with his time, he had no clue. He had enough money saved he didn't have to work if he didn't want to, but he couldn't just sit at home doing nothing.
Once he had a few pairs of pants and shirts on the handle of his scooter, he headed back to the dressing room to see what fit him. He'd never been conscious of his body, but now he was so thin that he wondered if everyone thought he had an eating disorder. No matter how many times Ben assured him it wasn't as bad as he thought, he still saw nothing but skin and bones when he looked in the mirror. At least the bruises were healing.
He stopped outside one of the small dressing room doors and stared at it, trying to will himself to go in. He closed his eyes, remembering a memory from his childhood. He'd wanted a green shirt, but his father only allowed him to wear white. Trenton pressed his hand to his forehead, wondering why that memory hit him all of the sudden. He hadn't thought about his childhood in a long time. They were memories he'd banished long ago, or so he'd thought. He shook his head before taking a deep breath.
"Use the handicapped stall." Ben came up beside him. "It's got room for your scooter and will make it easier for you to try things on."
He wasn't sure how Ben always seemed to know when he was about to have a anxiety attack, but he did. "Yeah, that makes sense." He moved down the row to the bigger stall, then paused again.
"You okay?" Ben asked softly.
The thought of walking into that small room and locking the door had him nearly hyperventilating. He gripped the handle of his scooter tightly and shook his head.
"Do you have claustrophobia?" Ben asked.
"Never did before, but maybe now…" He pushed the door open and looked inside.
"How about if I come in with you? Would that help?"
Trenton glanced around, worried people would be upset, but there wasn't anyone else there watching them. "Yeah, maybe." He didn't have a thing to be shy about. Ben had seen him naked more than clothed.
As if he could read what he was thinking, Ben took the clothes from the scooter and walked into the room. "We'll just tell anyone who asks that you needed help because of your leg."
It wasn't a lie, but more for his shoulder than his leg. Ben had helped him get his shirts on every day because it was too hard to stretch his arm to do it easily himself. His leg was sore, but not hard to move. "Okay." He rolled the scooter into the stall, then turned to make room for Ben. He took a deep breath and reminded himself he wasn't alone and Ben wouldn't hurt him.
What the hell was going on with him? He was losing his mind. Simple things he'd been doing all of his life were becoming roadblocks in his life. He'd been dressing in changing rooms alone since he was a teen, maybe even earlier. He forced his fears back and focused on why he was there. He'd try on the clothes and then they could get out of there.
Without thinking, he took off the pants he was wearing and set them aside. His briefs were baggy, but he left them on. He'd know better what size underwear to get by what size pants fit. He used one hand on the wall to balance and keep most of the weight off his bad leg.
"Here." Ben handed him a pair of slacks.
