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"Thanks." Trenton took them and this time used the arm Ben offered for balance as he slid them on. "Well?" He glanced at Ben.
"I think if you go any smaller, they'll be too small. Besides, you're going to be slowly gaining weight back. The fact they're a little big in the waist isn't a bad thing. A belt will take care of that."
Trenton stared at himself in the mirror, hardly recognizing the man who stared back. Other than the weight loss, he hadn't really changed as far as his appearance went, but on the inside, he was a completely different person.
He must have stared too long because Ben gently gripped his shoulder. "Want to try this shirt?" He held up a button-up that Trenton had grabbed off a rack.
"Yeah, if it fits, we know my sizes. We don't have to try on the rest." He met Ben's worried gaze. "I'm okay, honest."
Ben frowned but didn't say anything.
It would be his luck he'd chase Ben away because he was acting so insane. The one person he could tolerate being around. The more he thought about how crazy he'd become, the crazier he felt. Still, nothing stopped the fear or the discomfort he had while doing simple things that used to be so normal for him.
With Ben's help, he got the t-shirt he was wearing off and the other shirt on. He worked the buttons halfway, then shook his head. "It's too big."
"Then this one." Ben handed him a smaller size.
"This is the first time in my life I've gone down in sizes." Trenton nearly tore the buttons lose in anger.
"Easy, let me." Ben stepped closer and undid the last few buttons. He eased it off Trenton's bad shoulder before reaching for the other shirt. "What's with the anger today?"
Trenton huffed but didn't answer. What could he say? He didn't understand it any more than Ben did. All he knew was everything seemed so hard now. He hated not being in control. Not being able to focus and do things with confidence.
The other shirt fit, but it only upset him more because it was about the same size he'd worn in junior high. He stared in the mirror again, wondering if he looked like some high school kid to people now, but nope, one thing that hadn't changed were the signs of age across his brow and around his eyes. He looked like a weak middle-aged man with an eating disorder.
"These work. I'll just grab more in these sizes and we can go." Trenton tried to take the shirt off by himself, forgetting about his shoulder. Pain raced down his arm and across his shoulders. He reached out, gripping the front of Ben's shirt to keep from falling.
"Take a minute. Breathe through it." Ben stared directly into his eyes.
He couldn't imagine doing this without Ben by his side, but he also hated that Ben had to feel more like a nurse or a babysitter than anything else right now. He expected him to get up and walk out any day.
The pain eased enough he could let Ben help him. He hated taking the pain pills, but today might be one of those days he took them when he got home. It made him feel weak. He'd watched Xander, Kasey, and other team members push through bullet wounds like they were nothing more than a stubbed toe. Why was he the exception? Why could others recover so easily? Even mentally, he was falling apart, while he'd watched Faith and others move on with their lives. Yeah, it was still early. He'd only been free a week, but still, he shouldn't be backtracking.
"Trenton?" Ben touched his arm. "Let's get your pants on so we can go. We'll grab food, then get you a pain pill once we're home."
"I'm okay," he lied.
"The sweat on your forehead and the wrinkle in your brow tells me different." Ben held up the pants. "Want help?"
"Just balance." Trenton reached for the pants while Ben gripped his arm to keep him steady as he slid them on. There was no point in arguing with Ben about the pain. Over the last few days, Ben had learned to read all of Trenton's moods. He couldn't lie to him. Still, he hated admitting weakness.
By the time they'd found a few more shirts and pants in the right sizes, paid, and made their way back to the car, Trenton was exhausted. He rested his head against the back of the car seat as Ben put the scooter in the backseat. He needed a nap. Pain pills and a nap.
"Want me to drop you off, then go get the food?" Ben offered as he got in.
Even though it meant being alone for a while, he wanted to go home. "Yeah, if it's not a problem."
"Not at all. I'll call in the order when we get back to your place and it should be ready by the time I get there to pick it up. You can take a pill and rest."
"Why are you doing this for me? Is it because you feel guilty?" Trenton asked. "I mean, I'm losing my mind, yet you stay around and help. You should be running away."
Ben turned in the car to face him. "It's not guilt. God knows I have plenty of that, but it's not why I stick around. The truth is, maybe I need someone around as well. Someone who knows what I did. Like you, I hate being alone when the memories and the voices get too much to deal with. Yes, you're losing it, and that's something we need to discuss and find a way to handle, but it doesn't scare me off. I don't know why we've become so close. Captive, captor, we should be enemies and hate the sight of each other, no matter the circumstances. Yet, I find myself wanting to be around you. You make it easier to deal with everything, and I think I do the same for you."
Trenton nodded. "I haven't been very supportive of you."
"You have, more than you know. Just not having to go home and spend the night in that quiet apartment helps. Knowing someone else is near in case I have a nightmare or wake up and just don't want to be alone."
"Have you had nightmares? Why haven't you woke me?"
