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"Because I don't want to talk about them. I have them almost nightly, but they aren't as bad as yours. I wake up overwhelmed with guilt, thinking of how badly I fucked things up by not speaking up sooner." Ben started the car. "Let's get home and we can talk more tonight. Just know, it's not guilt that keeps me around. If anything, the guilt makes me struggle to not run from you and risk fucking up your life even more with my history of bad decision making."
"You were doing your job."
"That excuse worked for the first few weeks, but when they kept extending the takedown date, I can't claim I was just doing my job. When I watched women and kids get raped and did nothing to stop it, it wasn't just doing my job. When I left you in Dr. Frank's office, that wasn't just doing my job. I knew there was a chance. I didn't think he would, but there was always a chance. I should have stopped it all then."
"How? Shoot the doctor, then have everyone there shoot you? It wasn't that black and white and you know it."
"No, it wasn't, but you asked me to contact your team the first few days you were there, yet I held off. If I had just listened to you…"
"You had no reason to trust me or my team. We don't really work within the laws. You're a cop, you had a lot to consider. Contacting my team could have had major issues for you. You thought your captain was on your side. Had I not seen the chief upstairs, you might have never known the truth." Trenton closed his eyes, not wanting to remember what the chief had done to him.
"We've talked about this repeatedly, but it doesn't change the fact that I should have questioned things sooner. But we're getting off-topic. You asked why I'm by your side for all this, and the truth is, I need to be. I need you as much as you seem to need me. I don't know what this is, Trenton. It scares me because I'm feeling things for you that I have no right to feel, especially after what you've been through the last few weeks. I'm ashamed I have feelings for you, but it doesn't change the fact they are there. Not only are you the only one who can understand what I've been through, but you're also the only one I want around." Ben slapped a hand down on the steering wheel. "And I just said way too much, didn't I?"
Trenton stared at him, unsure how to take what he'd just heard. It didn't freak him out that Ben was having feelings for him, but he wasn't sure he could ever be what anyone needed as far as romantic relationships went. Just the thought of sex had him nearly going into a full panic. "No, you didn't say too much. I guess if I think about us in a way I haven't allowed myself, we are kind of building a relationship minus the physical stuff, which is good because physical would freak me the fuck out right now. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with the physical stuff again. There are moments I think I will be, then others where I'm afraid if I try anything with anyone, I'll scream and fight to get away."
"It's way too soon for you to even be worrying about that," Ben told him.
"I know, but it kind of goes with what you were saying. If we are building something more than friendship here, you need to be aware, I don't know if I'll ever be okay again when it comes to sex. I don't know how much I can give a boyfriend. I'm glad you told me you're having feelings. I wish I could say I knew what I was feeling, but that's half the problem. One minute I want to hold on to you and never let go, and the next minute, I'm thinking I should push you far away so my issues don't fuck you up like they have me."
Ben rested his hand on Trenton's thigh. "I think it's time we call Katie. This is getting worse for you, and while I wish I could be the one to help you, other than being there for you, I don't know how."
It was the last thing he wanted to do, but Ben was right, he couldn't go on like this anymore. His insecurity and nervousness were getting worse, not better. "We'll call her tomorrow." Trenton sighed. "You'll stay with me when I talk to her?"
"As long as you do the talking and don't expect me to fill her in on things. You need to talk through this. I'm not saying I don't have my own issues to work out with her, but you have got to face this yourself. I can hold your hand, but I can't confront your demons. That's something we both have to find a way to do on our own."
Trenton nodded. "Okay." He stared out the window as Ben put the car and in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. He had a lot to think about. Talking to anyone about what had happened to him wouldn't be easy, especially someone he'd known for years and cared about. He knew his rape and torture would be hard for Katie to hear, but Ben was right, he needed to do something. As for Ben admitting he had growing feelings for him, that warmed him a bit, even if he wasn't ready for more than what they had. Maybe in time, but even if not, it was nice to know someone could still care about him.
Watching the world pass by outside the window, he wondered if things would ever be normal again. Could he be as strong as Faith and move on from this, or was he too beaten down, too tired to pick up the pieces and start all over again?
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The T.V. was supposed to distract him, but all Ben could think about was the conversation he'd had with Trenton before coming home. Had it been a mistake to admit he was having feelings for him? Truth was, the feelings were growing each day they spent together, and though he knew he had to take things slow with Trenton, he found himself touching him more often. Just gentle touches on the arm or resting his hand on his thigh, but it was enough that Trenton would notice. At least he would if he'd been in his right mind.
The fact that Trenton was spiraling into full panic attacks worried him. He'd almost hyperventilated at the store earlier. It was more than Ben could handle, and he was glad they would be bringing Katie into the mix tomorrow. Of course, that was if Trenton didn't back out, which was a very strong possibility.
God, this whole thing was so fucked up. If only he could have met Trenton some normal way. He thought often about what a confident, strong Trenton would be like. He'd seen a bit of that man when he'd been held captive, but it was as if the moment Trenton had been rescued, he'd given in to the fear and insecurities that others usually displayed in the cages. He also saw that Trenton knew this and was frustrated by it. The mind was a strange thing, and even knowing he was spiraling into a mental breakdown, it was like Trenton didn't know how to stop it from happening.
The sharp sound of his cell phone ringing had Ben quickly reaching to quiet it. Trenton had fallen asleep before Ben had even gotten back with dinner, and he didn't want to wake him. "Hello?"
"Hey, Ben, it's Bryon."
"Oh, hey." He flipped off the T.V. "What's up?"
"Other than Trenton not answering calls from anyone but Faith, and is very vague with her?" Bryon sounded annoyed.
"Not a surprise." He debated on how much to share with Bryon but decided that being mostly honest was the best way to go. "He's having some trouble dealing with some things. I've finally got him talked into calling Katie tomorrow."
"What kind of things?" Bryon asked.
Ben let out a long breath.
"You don't want to betray his trust by talking to me?" Bryon asked.
"Something like that." Ben sat back. "I know you're all close, but…" He let his voice trail off, unsure how to explain things.
"But he's told you he doesn't want us to know, right?"
"Right."
