Page 74 of The Boyfriend Boycott
I stand in the driveway until the van is completely out of sight, and as Spencer rounds the corner, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I dig it out and see that Ally has texted, almost as if she’s sensed that Spencer is gone.
ALLY
Just got back from the hospital but Mason got called into the clinic. Can you come help me set up the bassinet? I am SO not prepared for Hazel coming early.
I shoot Ally a text to let her know that I’m on my way. I think she knows I need a distraction today. She probably needs the distraction too.
The spot behind me on my motorcycle is empty, the wind cold against my back, as I make the short ride over to Ally and Mason’s cabin. I let myself in through the front door as Ally told me to do, and find her sitting on the sofa, Hazel nestled under chin, fast asleep.
“Hey,” Ally whispers so as not to wake her. I point to the box on the floor in the living room, in a silent question. Ally nods. It’s the bassinet. I sit on the living room rug and get to work quickly, doing my best to open the box quietly, and gingerly removing all the pieces until I find the instruction manual.
Ally and I sit comfortably in each other’s presence. She’s become a good friend since she moved here. She’s one of the few people who knows Spencer the way I do and knows how it feels to miss her presence the way I am right now.
Hazel squirms in Ally’s arms and she gets up to take her to the other room, the one they added on to the cabin for her nursery, as I piece together the legs of the tiny crib. It’s hard toimagine anyone being small enough to sleep in here.It’s fucking adorable.
The bassinet is almost finished when Ally returns and resumes her place on the couch, Hazel now strapped into a wrap across her chest.
“How are you feeling?” Ally asks, now that we’re able to speak at full volume.I don’t have an answer for her other than fucking shitty, like my heart got ripped out and is being dragged along a highway behind a WanderLuxe van, but I water it down for her a bit.
“Not great,” I admit. I have no reason to lie about how I’m feeling. I’ve learned that Ally is good at seeing through people, assessing them. Comes with the nurse title, I guess. “There was a part of me that was still hoping that Spencer would change her mind and decide to stay. Maybe I’ve just been deluding myself this whole time.”
“Spencer definitely knows her own mind. She doesn’t like to be pinned down,” Ally says, her words are careful. “But I’ve never seen her the way she was when she was with you. She’s different now, in a good way. She may be flighty, but she’s loyal as hell to the people that she loves. She may be choosy, but I know she’s chosen you.”Ally’s words barely reach me, I feel numb. She hasn’t chosen me, though. Not fully. Not the way that I’ve chosen her. I would do anything to be with her.
“I just don’t want to love her halfway. I don’t want pieces of her. I gave her all of me and I want all of her,” I say, focusing my attention on the final screw I’m drilling into the leg. I give the bassinet a shove to test it out and it sways gently.
“Maybe it’s cliché, but you know that saying, if you love something let it go? I think that’s what you need to practice here. Spencer needs to come to her own conclusions, and if, at the end of the day, you can confidently say you did everything you could to fight for her, then maybe it’s time to let her go. Let her comeback to you when she’s ready.” Ally’s gaze is boring into me. It’s all things that I know, just impossible to accept. “What is your relationship now that you’re trying long distance? Are you going to see other people?”
“I mean, I’m not.” It’s the only answer to that question that I have and my stomach drops. We didn’t really specify what we are to each other, we never clearly defined the terms of this. I suddenly feel nauseous. The conversation we had last night, I thought, was enough. I assumed we were on the same page, but now I’m not so sure. Spencer mentioned that she doesn’t want hook-ups anymore, but we didn’t settle on anything specific. We didn’t set clear boundaries. Spencer loves her boundaries and her rules, so it worries me that she didn’t see a need for them here.
“Oh, Grady.” Ally’s voice has a touch of pity in it, and I hate it. This is my own damn fault, honestly, and I’m the only one that has to live with the consequences.
“Yeah, I fucked up,” I say. “I did everything I could think of, and then I shit the bed at the last moment. I don’t know how to do this, Ally. I don’t know how to fight for what I want.”
“All you can do is be there for her, Grady. Just keep showing up, the way you have been. But at the end of the day, don’t bend so far over for her that you break your own back. Don’t sacrifice everything. I’ve known Spencer a long time, and I love her, but she needs to learn how to reciprocate and stop getting in her own way.” I nod silently, and a small squawk comes from the bundle of fabric attached to Ally.
“Are you hungry?” Ally coos at Hazel. I take that as my cue to leave. I say goodbye to Ally and Hazel, leaning down to give my niece a kiss on her tiny head. It fits right in my palm as I stroke the soft wisp of dark hair she has there.
I wave goodbye to Ally as I hop on my bike, and because I still feel antsy and unsettled, I go for a ride, wherever I feel led to go. No agenda, no mapped-out route, no plan.
Today that has led me past the house, past the campground that sends a pang through me when I whizz by, all the way up the meandering switchbacks to the lookout over Heartwood.
The air is crisp today, the sky is clear, and from the lookout Heartwood is unobstructed. The last time I was here was with Spencer, and I pointed out all the things that make Heartwood special, all the reasons that I will forever call this place home. This is what she helped me preserve.
Spencer sees into my heart, and sees me for who I really am, and then pushes me to go out there and create a world that reflects that. Somehow in the process I created a world that she is not a part of. I learned how to speak my mind and say what I want and need, but what worked with the council didn’t work with her. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. It didn’t convince her.
Maybe Spencer was right this whole time. Maybe I misunderstood, or I had blinders on and was too focused on my own goals to see her clearly. How many times had she told me that relationships were just not part of her DNA? We’re fundamentally different, her and I, and perhaps the best thing for both of us at this point is to make a clean break. She can continue to live the nomadic lifestyle that clearly makes her happy, and I can find someone who is willing to share a life with me, here in Heartwood. Yet, that thought feels so disappointing, so inadequate now that I know what it’s like to share my life with Spencer. Because it will never be her, and so I will always feel incomplete.
If you love someone let them go.
All this time, I thought that I was letting Spencer go. But I still have my fist closed tightly around the part of her that she iswilling to give. I need to let her go. Fully let her go. Allow her to fly free, follow where the wind takes her.
It’s not anything wrong with her, it’s just who she is. I can appreciate that with more honesty and acceptance than I could before.
My phone rings, jarring me from my thoughts, and my pulse quickens when I see Spencer’s name on my screen. I know she’s still on the road, probably only halfway back to Vancouver, and my mind plays through all the reasons she might be calling. An accident? A flat tire? And perhaps the worst thought of all, the one that I shouldn’t even be entertaining anymore, she wants to come back.
“Hey, Rebel,” I answer, my tone trying to be playful, but my hesitation is obvious.
“I just got back into service. I’m on the other side of the mountains now,” she says. Her voice is calm and even. No accident, no flat. She called me as soon as she got service. I hate myself for the way my mood brightens, the hope that perhaps the last option is true. “The drive has given me a lot of time to think, Grady.”
