Page 80 of The Ex Project
“I didn’t know that had even happened. I was trying to help. It was so hard to watch you struggling, dealing with crippling anxiety and panic attacks because you were going against everything that made youyou,” Claire says. “I’m sorry,” she repeats, as if the more she says it, the less devastating the outcome might be. But it’s already done.
Claire isn’t the enemy I’ve made her out to be my entire life. In fact, I wonder if any of this is her fault at all. Hudson is still on the fence about us, unsure of whether wecan make things work for the same reasons as before. As easy as it would be to make Claire the scapegoat and blame her for our issues, she’s had no involvement this time around.
“You knew about my panic attacks,” I say, and Claire nods.
“Even though I wasn’t officially a doctor yet, they did teach us about it in med school. What panic attacks look like, how to recognize them in someone,” she explains.
“So, you also knew I wasn’t having an asthma attack then?” My tone has a hint of a bite in it.
“I mean, it takes more than looking at someone across a table to know what’s really going on with them,” she says. “But I had a suspicion, yeah.”
“You never thought to bring it up with me?” Now that I’m finally learning this new aspect of myself, I only wish I had known about it sooner. I might have been able to spare myself from a lot of turmoil had I been able to find the right resources.
“We never had a close relationship. You’ve always shut me out, and so I had no way of trying to help you. I thought getting to Hudson would be the key to getting you to listen,” Claire explains.
“Yeah, that plan backfired,” I deadpan, but a moment later, my mouth twitches up into the smallest smile. A matching one forms on my sister’s face. I let out a long sigh. “The last few weeks in Heartwood are the happiest I’ve been in a long time, besides Mom and Dad basically disowning me?—”
“They what?” Claire interrupts, aghast.
“Story for another time.” I wave in a don’t worry about it motion before continuing.
“No, we’re not skimming over that.” Claire’s eyes look like mine when I get angry, glowing amber, and now I understand how intense I look when I’m upset, too. “Mom and Dad are so fucked up.”
“Here I was thinking you were always their little pet.” I don’t hide my eye roll, though it’s more playful than the way I’ve rolled my eyes at Claire in the past.
“God no.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “It took me a long time to realize it, but they’re flawed people, too. They don’t know everything. Nobody has it all figured out, and sometimes the people who claim they do are the most insecure of anyone.”
I nod, trying to understand what Claire is telling me.
“Mom once confided in me that Dad got kicked out as a teenager.”
“What?” I blurt out, nearly spilling my tea. We never knew Dad’s parents growing up, and I guess now I know why.
“I don’t know all the specifics. It sounds like Dad was a rowdy teenager, a little like you. You scared him, Wren. You showed him all the parts of himself he thought were wrong.”
“Oh” is the only word my brain can form as it wraps itself around this new information. I never knew this about my family. I never asked. But Claire has almost four years on me, and it stands to reason she saw things from a different perspective. There’s so much understanding I’ve been missing out on because I refused to talk to her like this.
“He fought for everything he has now, you know. Puthimself through business school at night while working two jobs, and then law school the same way. He never wanted us to have to do that, too. So, as fucked up as he can be, I do think he has good intentions.”
A silence stretches between us as we both sit and consider the weight of what she’s told me.
“So, what’s going on with you and Hudson now?” she finally asks.
“Now …” My voice trails off as I think about our conversation. The road ahead of us. The uncertainty of our relationship. “We’re still working through the same shit. But we’ve been through it before, and I’d like to think we both know what’s at stake, what we have to lose if we don’t figure it out. I’d like to believe we’ve both grown and developed new skills. I can’t bear the thought of losing him.” Claire nods, contemplating what I’ve said, and I take a drawn-out sip of my tea. “He’s worried we’re incompatible.”
“Well, that’s fucking stupid,” Claire barks. “You two are the only compatible people I know. I know what incompatible looks like, and it’s not you and Hudson. You may have your own insecurities to work through, but he gets you, Wren. He always has. That’s why I always liked him. He let you be exactly who you wanted to be.”
“Try telling him that,” I say with a slight eye roll. “Actually, don’t. Clearly, you two don’t communicate well.”
Claire laughs.
“Yeah, I’ll leave it up to you this time.” She throws her hands up in aleave me out of it gesture, and I heave a sigh.
“We may be compatible, but I worry I did a lot of damagewhen we broke up. I never considered how Hudson felt about it at the time.”
“Like you said, you’ve both grown since then. You’re different people now,” Claire reminds me.
“It’s been so good with him since I’ve been back. Even with everything going on, none of it felt too big, or too scary, because I had Hudson on my side. He had my back, you know. A real teammate. And that made me feel like we could conquer anything.”
