Page 109 of It Couldn't Be You
We eventually had to leave the beach. I had an itinerary, you know? I had pictures to take and notes to write. I was trying to determine what the story was here.
In the deepest parts of my heart, the story was Gabe. Cambria was Gabe and me kissing in the hallway. Foggy mornings spent sharing donuts. Too much wine and pretending we were together. It was too much wine and winding up together. Sandy pizza and sunsets. Songs through the wall.
Cambria wasn’t falling in love. It was finally letting ourselves feel the love that’d always been there pulsing under the surface. Gabe and me,finally. Cambria was the tide coming in. Asking me, what now? Over and over, rolling in like waves. What now? What now? What now? But I didn’t want to answer.
Instead, we checked off our to-do list as the fog cleared, like rubbing your eyes in the morning. I tried to soak it in like a kid does on Christmas night, knowing this special time when we could be together was rapidly coming to an end.
Next thing I knew, we were sitting in my hotel room, it was way past dinner, and we were drinking wine as I typed away on my computer. Gabriel sat by the fireplace, watching me. I thought how beautiful life would be if this was what it consisted of daily. Us in our sweatpants at the end of the day.
“I missed watching you work,” he said.
I grinned at him from my spot on my bed, perched before my laptop. He kissed me on the forehead and headed back to his room. It was getting late.
As the door closed behind him, I pushed my laptop away and started to cry. I didn’t want everything to end, but tomorrow, we flew home. Was all of it just a fantasy? How would we revert to the way things were? The way we were? We had to do that, right? That was the plan, right? We had talked about our history, about our feelings, but neither of us had said one thing about the future. All the questions I wanted to bury were shaking loose, rising from the grave. Right around that time, there was a knock on my door.
“Hey, I know you’re working, and I don’t want to interrupt you. Just, all day long, we’ve been hopping around, but I’ve been dying to know what’s going on in that head of yours.” It was Gabriel at my door, immediately rambling. “What are wedoing? What’sgoing onhere? What do youwant?”
“Oh,” I said, stunned like I’d been caught trying to leave this weekend without having to face up to any of these questions. “I don’t know if I have any answers. I’ve been asking myself all the same things.”
He leaned his head against the doorway. “What’ve you come up with?”
“I think, I guess,” I stuttered. I looked down at my hands like maybe I’d find the answers there. “I mean…I was just writing, so you’ve caught me off guard. I feel a little surprised by this conversation.”
“Why are you surprised?” Gabe cocked his head, furrowed his brows. “Emma, we’ve been kissing. We’ve been talking about how obsessed with each other since we’ve been since we were kids. Didn’t a conversation like this seem inevitable? I feel like all of this was inevitable.”
“See, you keep saying things like thatI’m cute, andthis was inevitable,and it confuses me. More than me being surprised, I’m confused by you,” I said, like releasing a breath.
“What’s confusing about those things?”
“Why are you saying them?” I was desperate to know.
“I’m saying it because it’s true. Because I like you, and I’ve thought things like that for a long time. I want to start saying them aloud, or I’m going to lose my mind. Just like I kissed you last night because I wanted to, because I like you and want to kiss you on a regular basis. Just like I come to the dang coffee shop every single morning, not because I particularly care for mochas, but because I want to be around you preferably every day. Just like me flying out for your twenty-first birthday was because I like you and I want to be with you for things like birthdays.” He sounded exhausted, depleted, like he’d reached his breaking point. “I like you, Emma. I’ve always liked you. God,likeis a small word. I’ve been falling in love with you since I was a kid.That’s why I do every freaking thing I do.”
I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect speech coming from Gabriel’s lips—and trust me, Gabriel had confessed his feelings for me in many of my dreams. I was ecstatic, shocked, giddy, terrified, all of it. And I could’ve said I’d been falling in love with him, too. I could’ve saidanything. But it was as if everything I might’ve said disappeared into the hiding spot where I kept my feelings. We just stared at each other.
“Are you less confused?” he asked me finally. I nodded. “I was assuming all the kissing and the hand-holding meant you wanted the same things. But now, I’m feeling less certain. I’m getting confused myself.”
“I dowantthose things, Gabe. I do,” I said, but I said it in a hesitant way. A scared way.
“Emma, I don’t want to force you into something. I also don’t want to be the only one who tries when it comes to us. I want to do something aboutthis.” He waved his hand between us. “But I’m not going to force you.”
“You know how I feel,” I said. “But…I just…” I might’ve known what I felt, but I didn’t know what to do with those feelings.
“You know what I want. I just said it. I want to do something about this. I want to try. I’ve said all this before. Now, it’s your turn.What do you want?” Gabe said, all frustration and impatience.
“I don’t know what I want, I guess. It’s that simple. I don’t know the right move here,” I confessed.How could he be so sure, so brave?I wished he could feel enough for the both of us.
“Do you want to be with me?” His voice cracked.
“It’s not that simple. You know that.” I felt like I was pleading with him to not make us face this thing head-on, to go back to yesterday when it was easy and foggy.
“God.” He pushed himself off the doorway and turned his back to me. “What am I doing here? I remember regretting sending that stupid message, and now I’m going to regret knocking on your door.”
I touched his shoulder, and he turned back to me. “I’m not saying I don’t have feelings, Gabe. I’ve literally loved you since I was a little girl. That doesn’t mean I know what I’m supposed to do right now. A few days ago, we hadn’t—”
“A few days ago, we were still wanting each other. This has been going on for years,” he cut me off.
“I mean, I wasn’t expecting to be figuring it all out in a few days. Or ever, really, to be honest.”
