Page 127 of It Couldn't Be You
“I feel so stupid,” she said, her voice thick with hurt. “You two have always had your stupid secret little world. How could I not have guessed it? Maybe I did guess it. I just always assumed if anything happened, even an inkling of anything, I would be the first to know. You know, I would’ve thought I’d know even before Gabe since you’d tell me if you felt anything for him. But instead, I have zero idea what’s going on.”
“Honestly, Katie, I felt like I had no idea what was going on half the time.”
She blinked at me.
“Okay, the thing is…I’ve..” I stuttered. Hadn’t I been rehearsing what to say to Katie? My mind was blank. “I’ve been in love with Gabriel since I was like twelve years old. Do you remember his first girlfriend?”
“No,” she almost laughed. She leaned against the kitchen counter.
“Well, I do. I was insanely jealous of her. I couldn’t figure out why I was so jealous of her. I wantedto beher. Those feelings went on for years, confusing me. I was in denial. I was also too young to really understand.” I walked further into the kitchen so we were standing side by side. “When I slowly I started to realize what those feelings were, they felt hopeless, like a kink in the perfect machine of our little world. I didn’t say anything because I was too busy trying to pretend they weren’t real.”
“Why didn’t you tellme? Me, of all people. I told you every single thing, even when I dreamed of someone.” She wiped her eyes.
“Come on, Katie. This was Gabe. He was yourbrother. You can’t understand a little?”
She was quiet. She leaned against the kitchen counter, looking at her hands.
“Everyone called me the Other Hernandez girl. I didn’t want to jeopardize my standing. I also didn’t want to make the vibe weird between all of us. What if you started teasing me or giggling around him? What if you started to question me? What if you wanted us together, and then we broke up? I mean…it felt big.” I spread my hands wide to emphasize just how big it felt.
“I get it. It is big,” she finally said. “Tell me what I’ve missed.”
“It’s just that. We’ve liked each other for a long time.” I shrugged a shoulder.
“Even when you were with—”
“Even while we were with other people. I mean, I still liked the people I was with. My feelings for Gabe were just sitting there on the back burner.”
“You know, this actually explains a ton,” Katie raised her eyebrows.
“When I turned twenty-one—” I started.
“Gabe flew out to see you—” Katie said, glad it was finally something she knew.
“Yeah, and you all left us there at the restaurant? Do you remember that? Gabe drove me home. We kissed for the first time that night.” I felt terrified and giddy to finally be sharing this monumental moment with her.
“You didn’t tell me!”
“I barely told myself. I tried to ignore it. I tried to force him to ignore it. We honestly never kissed again until he went to Cambria with me.” I turned toward her.
“Another kiss! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” She shook her head in disbelief.
“I tried the whole ‘let’s just ignore it’ thing again. You see how that’s gone.”
“Wait, wait. I’m so confused. Are you two dating now?” She turned to face me, too.
“Katie, we literally just now decided we want to be together and give it a try right before you walked up. That’s why we were kissing when you walked outside.”
Katie ran to the doorway and looked outside. “He’s gone,” she said wistfully, looking out at the front yard and driveway.
Nothing was left of Gabriel except his tire marks on the driveway.
“He left,” she said to me. As if he were some broody romantic male lead and not the punk older brother she used to say smelled like farts.
“He probably realized you and I needed to talk this out a bit,” I said. “And he’s right. I mean, how do you even feel about your brother and me?”
“I don’t know. I barely know what you feel about him and you.” She walked out onto the front porch. “What do you feel?”
We sat down on the steps, the sky with its pink streaks hanging overhead, the sounds of downtown coming to life.
