Page 23 of It Couldn't Be You
He looked at me funny. “What does that mean? What? Were you hoping I would be so mad at you for running away that I would break us up so you wouldn’t have to?”
I was stunned. “No,” I said after a few seconds.
He cleared his throat. “Why did you run away then? I’m really confused. Everyone is. Why did you ignore my calls? Why are you here at my apartment? What do you want to happen?”
“I’m here because I want to tell you that I’m sorry, first of all.” I rubbed my arms and bounced in the cold air. My dad’s sweatshirt wasn’t enough in this cold. “And I want to tell you why I can’t marry you.”
“Okay,” he choked on the last statement. Then cleared his throat. “Why?”
“Jordan, I can’t tie my future to yours when I don’t even know what I want my future to look like. You’re so sure of what you want, and all I’m sure of is that I don’t want what you want. We don’t want the same things out of life. I’ve been ignoring it for so long...because of how easy it all felt in the beginning.”
“How can you know we don’t want the same things if you don’t even know what it is you want?” He exhaled, trying to find the right words. Hadn’t I been sorting out what to say since I left his uncle’s house?
“What if someday you realize that you do want what I want?” Jordan whispered. “I can wait. Maybe you just need some time.”
“I spent the last couple of years focused on you and me. I didn’t spend any time on myself or figuring out what I want. You know so clearly how you want your life to look, and I don’t know much except…that I’m not going to ever want what you want.”
“But how do you know that? You don’t know the future. How can you possibly know that, Emma?” He flung his arms open wide in exasperation. It made my heart hurt.
“If I was ever going to suddenly want what you want—it would be right now. With how much it hurts to end this thing with you—hurting enough for me to run away from the pain—with how much I just love you and your big heart, it would beright now. This would be the time I realized I could want those things.” My voice was shaking, and my eyes were watery. “If I can’t find it in me to want what you want today with you looking at me like this, I’m never going to. I wish I could snap my fingers and feel what I need to feel to be with you. But I’ve never been good at telling myself what to feel.”
“So, this means…” He jutted out his chin, holding back tears.
I closed my eyes and said, “It’s a whole lot of words to say I can’t marry you.”
He took a deep, frustrated breath. “How can you say you love me and then reject me in the same breath? It makes absolutely no sense to me.”
“I do love you. I do. Just not in the way we need to make a marriage.”
“So what? Justall of a suddenit doesn’t feel right when it’s been right this whole time? You don’t want what I want now? I’m just lost, Emma.”
“It’s not that sudden. I’ve been in this weird place for a while now. I just hadn’t let myself really think about it or question it…then lately…”
He shook his head. “It feels sudden to me.”
“I’m sorry for that,” I said. “I really am. I’m sorry for how I acted today. I’m sorry that I hurt you.” My chin trembled. “God, I’m just really sorry for all of it, Jordan. I wish I’d figured this all out before you got down on one knee and put yourself out there for me.” Tears streamed down my face, but I was already wet from the icy rain coming down on us.
He buried his face in his hands. “I can’t wrap my head around this. I seriously thought we were about to start planning our wedding. I’ve been looking at damn houses for us to buy.”
All tears and sniffles I said, “Jordan, I honestly didn’t see this proposal coming. I didn’t know.”
“Well, I guess we didn’t really know each other as well as we thought we did,” he drew a deep breath. “God, I thought we were in love, Emma.”
“We did love each other, Jordan. We did.” I said, my voice small.
“Then can’t we get back to that?”
My chest squeezed at his words. “We loved each other, Jordan, but even then, it wasn’t right. I can’t give you what you want.”
“I just wish you would take some time. Maybe you’ll feel differently in a few days,” he said, wiping his tears. “Maybe we can just press pause for a while?”
I shook my head, tears dripping down my chin.
“What do you even want, then?” he demanded. “If you don’t wantthis?” He gestured between the two of us.
I collapsed into a sob. “I’m sorry. I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
And it was quiet between us, minutes passing, maybe more.
