Page 28 of It Couldn't Be You
“Emma, I don’t know. Maybe we should keep talking? I can’t hang up with you in tears.”
“If I keep talking, I won’t be able to stop crying,” I said through jagged breaths. I looked over at my bowl of pasta. “I need to eat dinner, too.”
She was quiet, thoughtful for a moment. “Well, okay. Eat some dinner. But come over if you need me. You could sleep over here, you know.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I sniffled. My mom was always offering for me to stay over lately like I was a wounded puppy who needed around-the-clock care.
We hung up, but I didn’t eat my pasta. I curled up on my pale pink couch and sobbed into my throw pillows. Talking to my concerned mom just made me feel worse. So much for taking a break from crying.
Two halves of my world gone,I thought to myself.
Karma, I also thought.
I dump something good and then lose something good. I said I needed to let Jordan go because I didn’t want to be tied here and lose one of the strings keeping me here. All of these changes were what I was wanting, right? But, as much as I had realized I wanted different things for myself, having these vital, consistent parts of my life ripped away in one big tear was brutal.
I lay there and thought,Should I have broken up with Jordan?No, I didn’t want to marry him, but I did miss him. Why was it marriage or breakup?
I thought about all the time I spent shopping for his Christmas gift just weeks ago. How I almost gave it to him early because I was so excited to see his face when he opened it. I remembered planning out our New Year’s Eve day with his mom. How easy it felt. How pleased she was to be included in my work. How Jordan was grinning at us while we talked it all out at their dinner table.
“My girls,” he had said. I had given him a sideways grin.
How had things changed so quickly? Time felt like a sharp knife, slicing my life apart effortlessly, painfully.
Slice, one day, and he’s gone.Slice, one meeting and so is my job. Shouldn’t important losses like this happen gradually, over time? With warnings, preparation, and time to think. But then, time was sharp, clever. It knew with too much time, I would’ve clung tighter. I would’ve fought and made it messy when precision and clean breaks were the beauty of time’s quick slice.
My phone buzzed. I looked down to see Jordan’s name on the caller ID, along with the heart emoji I had yet to delete.
“Hi,” I answered.
“Hi,” he said hesitantly. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to answer.”
“I wasn’t either,” I pulled a velvety throw pillow close to my chest.
“Man, it sure is nice to hear your voice.”
“It’s nice to hear yours, too,” I said.Come over, I almost added.Let’s just pretend none of it happened—for a little bit.
“How’ve you been?” he asked.
I paused for a beat. “Not great. Honestly.”
“Really?” His voice was a familiar, caring tone that felt like a hug over the phone.
“Yeah, there’s a lot going on right now.” A sob stuck in my throat.
“What’s going on, Emmy?”
“Us. For starters. That was pretty brutal. Then today I was fired.”And I really wish you were here right now.
“Oh man, Emmy.”
“How’ve you been?”
“I’ve just been missing you.” He cleared his throat. “Have you missed me at all?”
“Of course, I have…” I was on the edge of asking him if he wanted to come over and talk things out again.
“Are you alone?” he asked, hopeful.
