Page 35 of It Couldn't Be You
I’m meaning work-wise.
Katie
But of course personal too.
Me
I will send you all and any updates work and personal. Prepare to be inundated.
Katie
Yay! You know how long this drive is. I need the entertainment.
Me
I actually do have an update. Jordan has been messaging me.
The Hernandezes were off on their annual ski trip. Well, all except Tanya, who was due to go into labor any day now. They would all caravan out to Ruidoso, New Mexico and play in the snow for a few days.
I had my first days on the job without Katie. The coffee shop felt different without Katie’s warmth and energy. Her usual customers were asking when she’d return. I watched how even Rose felt her absence in her short trip away. I read the employee handbook she’d helped write.
My first days on the job, I could see that Katie didn’t just work at Coffee & Commas, she was an axis on which it spun. It was funny how you could see someone do something for years, but it wasn’t until you were in it with them, not just watching from afar anymore, that you really understood—like watching the sun through a window from an air-conditioned room then walking outside and truly feeling its impact on your skin. Sometimes, it took walking in it to get it.
There was someone else messaging me those first days on the job. But they had nothing to do with work and everything to do with complicated feelings I was attempting to navigate. I wasn’t sure how to respond to Jordan. Was it rude not to reply, or was it unwise to reply?
The first message was a simpleHappy New Yearkind of message around midnight, so I didn’t respond. Then the next day he sent:
How are you feeling after last night?
This was when I wasn’t sure how to reply. I screenshotted it and sent it to Katie, who didn’t have a good signal in the mountains, so she didn’t reply for a while.
In the meantime, Jordan sent over:
For me, it felt really good to talk to you last night. I have to admit I’ve really been missing having you in my life.
I screenshotted that one, too, and sent it over to Katie. With no advice from Katie, I decided it was better to respond kindly but in a way that didn’t open the door to further conversation. Later in the evening, after my shift, I sat in my car and typed up:
I’m feeling a lot better. Thanks for being such a good friend to me last night. Have a good new year, Jordan.
Seconds later, he replied:
I’m so glad you’re feeling better. What’s your plan for finding a new job? I have a few ideas. Want me to call?
I didn’t want him to call, but also, a call from him felt very normal. It felt nearly routine like checking my phone before I went to sleep at night…or chewing my nails when I was anxious.
I wondered if communication here or there would be so bad. Also, knowing him, he had some grand get-a-job plan for me that was far better than anything I had planned, which was more of a plan to make a plan.
I told this to Katie when she finally got reception. She said there would never be “here or there” calls.
“Don’t start something,” she said bluntly. “Because I know you both, and this would start something.He knows it, even if you don’t. He wants you guys to start something.”
“But I can’t just ignore his message. I don’t want to reject him even more than I already have. I don’t mind him messaging me, and I don’t want him to thin—”
“Em.” Her voice was loud in the phone. I could hear her family in the background noisily talking back and forth in their big, shared cabin. “You still really cared about and liked Jordan when you broke up—you didn’t end things becauseyou didn’t like him. You ended things because you were thinking about the future. Now, every choice you make in regards to him needs to have that same kind of thinking. If you start chatting with him, how will that effect your future?”
I heard her and knew she was right. But I still responded to him because I knew I would run into him in this small town, and ignored messages would make the future awkward and cold. Plus, she was right. I still liked the guy, and I liked talking to him. And just like checking my phone at night or chewing on my nails, it might not be necessarily healthy, but it felt kind of good.
I told him I was still thinking through my future plans and I didn’t think a call was a good idea right now, but thanks, and that I appreciated him. He told me to call anytime. Or message. The next day he sent me another message telling me he knew of some places hiring. The day after that, he sent me a message saying he was thinking of me and hoping my week was getting better. This was while I was at work.
