Page 70 of It Couldn't Be You
“Yes,” I said. “I want to break down walls and paint rooms strange bright colors.” I
“Me, too,” he said. “I like old houses.”And I like you,I thought.
“Do you still want ten kids?” I asked.
“Not, ten. I never said ten. I want a big family, though.”
“Me too. I want one of those loud families.”
“Like mine?”
“Louder.” I said emphatically.
“I want to pile them all into cars and take them road tripping with us.” He gestured with the bottle still in his hand.
“I can see you with a baby carrier on,” I teased.
“I bet I look good like that,” he said.
Our arms were still stuck to each other like glue. We were so close we kept pushing into each other. We would turn to look at each other when we spoke, and our faces would touch. It felt like we were waiting for something, but I didn’t know what.
“I want all that, too,” I said.
“I remember how we even wanted the same jobs. The same school for a little while. The same awards,” he said, almost wistfully.
“You’re lucky we were in different grades,” I said. “You’d have lost a lot more than you did if I were a grade ahead.”
He sighed happily, so I did too. I rested my head on him.
“You know what’s funny?” I said. “We even had the same Valentine’s Day plans.”
“Yeah,” he said awkwardly. “About that.”
“What?” I refused to move my head from its rightful place on his shoulder.
“I actually kind of engineered that. Katie had mentioned the movie you two were going to for your Valentine’s Day plans. But see, Terrence had reached out to me as a backup in case you couldn’t get Katie out there for his surprise and also so the family didn’t worry about her and wonder where she was all day. So, when I heard about the movie, I assumed that you might still go. I decided to show up. I did plan on hanging around all afternoon because I hadn’t thought to ask her which time you were going to, but luckily my first guess worked out.”
“The first guess was also the first showing,” I laughed. Feeling a little bolder, and without thinking, I tangled my fingers into his. He curved his hand around mine. We sat like that for a while, my head resting on his shoulder our hands laced together. We stopped talking, stopped joking.
“Are you really happy for Jordan?” Gabriel’s voice was a whisper against my hair.
“I could feel you questioning that,” I said. “Yes. I’m happy for him. I wasn’t in love with him the way I should’ve been, and I didn’t want to give him the things he wanted so badly. Sophia will give him all of that. She’ll give him the love I didn’t have for him.”
“That all sounds nicely logical and wise, but…” He swallowed. “Are you missing him?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t think I would call it ‘missing’ him. I’ve just had to adjust to his absence in my life.”
He was looking down at our intertwined fingers, and I could feel how the idea of Jordan and me, and me missing him, or longing for him, had been bothering Gabriel, just like it had when we talked at the mechanics. It was blistering and bugging him all winter.
“He had been this presence in my life for years. I care about him. To just cut out his place in my life…I’ve felt that missing piece. It wasn’t a piece that belongs. It’s not a piece I’m up at night crying for, but I’ve felt it. I’ve had to get used to this new normal, and it is becoming normal,” I said. “That’s all. I’m not missing him. I’m not jealous of Sophia.”
“Okay,” he said. Nothing else.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” he looked up at me.
“How’re you doing being stuck home?”
