Page 72 of Lucy Loves Him Not
Adam went to pick up donuts and left Gracie and me to drink our coffees in her bed. I was in a borrowed tank top and black yoga pants.
“Yesterday, before Jasmine left, she said you’d been a mess the past few weeks. Leading up to the fall,” I said each word cautiously, like carefully chosen steps.
She listened, blowing on her hot mug of coffee.
“Gracie, we barely hear from you back home. You’ve been going so…” I tried to find the right word. “You’ve been going sofast.”
Gracie’s eyes brimmed with big tears. She shrugged.
“I know your ankle is sprained, but how’s your heart, your head?”
She broke into a full sob before answering. “I was in such a rush to do it all and on time that I forgot why I was even rushing in the first place. I love to dance. Iamexcited about everything I’m doing.” She took in a shaky breath. “The problem is that I’ve been too exhausted, too stressed to feel that love for it lately.”
I handed her a tissue from the box on her nightstand.
“I’ve been sacrificing a lot of sleep. I was so tired going into practice yesterday. I felt my body lose balance. When I fell, I was in pain, but I also was lying there thinking,if I don’t slow down, I’m going to fall out of love with it,” she said, dabbing her eyes with the tissue.
“With dancing?”
“With dancing, sure, but with my whole life. I’m not enjoying any of it when I’m just racing through it like this.”
“Maybe you were trying to race toward it because you love it, but went so fast you didn’t realize you’d started to run rightthroughit.” The blankets rustled under me as I twisted to face her.
“My teacher booked me an appointment with the school counselor. We have several free appointments with her each semester.”
I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Talking to a therapist helped me so much. I’d also say, if someone is offering you a break,take it.”
“According to the doctor, I have to take a six-week long break.”
“Maybe it’s an accumulation of all the breaks you didn’t take?”
“Right? Maybe.” A small laugh escaped her before her face fell again. “I’m sad, you know, to miss out on the performance. I have a lot of work I’m going to have to do over. My whole plan crumbled.”
“I’m here.” I tried to sound encouraging. “I’ll help you establish a whole new plan. And let me tell you, little sis, life is full of crumbled, marked-through, and erased plans. Adulthood is full of replanning. It’s a lucky moment when things actually go according to our schedules. But, in my experience, when things don’t go the way you expected, sometimes they go even better than you could’ve dreamed up on your own.”
“Way better as in sprained ankles and missed performances?” she asked dryly.
“No, you’re right. Sometimes, it’s sprained ankles. Sometimes, it’s worse than that. Fewer things are in our control than we like to believe. But we are in control of this.” I wiggled our clasped hands. “We’re the water trickling around and through every fallen stone in our stream. We just keep rushing?—”
“But not too fast.” Gracie gave a watery smile.
“You know what always helps me?” I asked. She cocked her head in question. “Saying a prayer is like exhaling a breath. For me, each time I whisper one, it feels like releasing a breath I’ve been holding too long. Releasing one load at a time.”
And then Adam, my own wonderful change of plans I couldn’t have dreamed up any sweeter, arrived with donuts.
Adam and I drove back to Sweet River like we were floating on a cloud. We should’ve talked about the festival—it was starting in less than a week. But the conversation from last night bled into today. We were holding hands across the console and swapping stories. Touring each other like our own personal open house, getting to know each other room by room, stopping at every framed picture on the wall.
Adam told me about how he wrote and readChronicles of Narniafanfiction as a teenager and how he thought some of itwas the best reading of his life. I told him when I was fifteen, I had my heart broken for the first time and tried to dye my hair black—and failed miserably.
I noted howAdam shook his head sometimes instead of laughing. It made me happy to know that about him. I was hungry to know more.
I finally built up the courage to ask a few questions that had grown bigger in my mind as my feelings grew stronger.
“How do you bounce around the country like you do? Do you ever get…” I couldn’t find the right word.
“Lonely?” he offered.
“Or nervous? Figuring out a new city. Finding new friends. Over and over.”
