Page 116 of Vow of the Undead
Of course he wanted to unmake the mistakes he’d turned into monsters. Of course he wanted a soul. It only meant he still honored the Gods, and that he still longed to spend theafterlife in Odin’s palace, preparing for Ragnarok with the other warriors.
I couldn’t blame him for craving the same ending to this life that I did.
My pulse grew more erratic. It wasn’t until the swimming tears in my eyes spilled over my cheeks that the cycling thoughts silenced.
Without a word, Kayn sank to the bed and pulled me into him, his arms encompassing me. I let my whole self collapse into him. He steadied me against his chest and placed one hand on the back of my head as if consoling me.
“I cannot imagine,” I said between breaths. With the hand cupping my head, he slowly brushed it down over my braid. “I cannot imagine living with this guilt and shame for so long.”
“Vampires are not alive. You have done nothing wrong, Silver.”
“I’m not Silver.” He stopped caressing my hair and sucked in a breath. I twisted to look up at him, gathering every bit of courage within me. “My name is Lux.” Keeping the flat line of his mouth steady, he merely listened.
“You feel guilty for lying about your identity?”
I shook my head and pulled away from him, wiping at my cheeks like the child I was twenty years ago. “For sentencing my sister to death.” His dark eyes flashed, but he stayed silent, even reaching out to brush a tear away from my cheek. “You didn’t have a choice in becoming a monster. But I did.”
The rage melted away and cool relief washed through me. The truth was a balm to my soul. A truth so long buried and even more precious to me than the lost history.
I opened my mouth, but a sob caught in my throat. I huddled into his soothing touch. A touch that wasn’t a trade. He’d answered my question and had demanded nothing from me. He didn’t even expect me to explain how I’d damned Silver to certain death.
But speaking of her felt so good. Addictiveeven, to someone who didn’t immediately tell me to shut up and never mention her again. And unlike the king, Kayn wouldn’t demand more of me right now.
So before the dwelling returned, I opened my mouth to release the persistent and aggressive thoughts that repeated in my mind.
“She was my twin,” I said. “My sister, and I allowed her to be taken by the executioners.” He tightened his arms around me as if to affirm that he did not cast me out for this confession. “When villagers discovered I exhibited signs of commanding witchcraft, they sent for the executioners to come for me.”
I shivered at the memory of our door slamming open, their thundering footsteps, the sharpshing!of their blades, my mother’s screaming and begging.
My voice became smaller and smaller as I spoke. “I was so afraid. Silver was braver than me while I ran away. There was a hatch on the floor under our bed that led to a crawl space. I hid and listened to them grab her and drag her away. They called her Lux and I didn’t stop them. I didn’t correct them, and I didn’t tell them the truth.”
Thick tears rolled down my face one-by-one.
“It’s my fault she has been missing for twenty years. My father erased her and forbade me to speak her name. Even my mother started calling me Silver and I became so wholly her that I…I forgot about her. I almost forgot my real name. Everyone else believed her dead, but I refused—” A sob choked me, and I allowed the emotion to overcome me.
Forgetting Silver hurt my mother, but it broke me. And then, ten years later, when the Grimward took my mother too, my mind simply cracked. Even at sixteen when I could have fought for people to call me by my own name, I had to continue to be Silver because it was the last name my mother had ever called me.
“You were only a child. Survival is an instinct.” His gentle voice was as much a blanket as his arms around me.
“I’m a killer as an adult too. When my shadows caught up with me only a few months ago, I killed them. Or I thought I did, until I realized they were vampires.” I cleared my throat. “But the point remains, I gave in to the darkness within me and sentenced more people to death.”
“For survival.”
I sat up and faced him. “It’s selfish. What is the survival of a single sick and disturbed woman? I’m not worth it. I’ve never been worth it.”
He brushed an escaped tendril of hair from my face and then let his hand brush over my cheek, catching a tear as it slipped down my face. “I’m grateful for your survival.”
“Soul or not, you still need me to kill the vampires.”
“And I’ve also grown to care for you.”
“What if I can’t do this? Be the huntress? I don’t want to give in to the darkness and kill again. I can’t, and that’s all you want from me.”
He took my hand, and then flicked his gaze to my face. “Lux, no matter what you choose to do, I will care for you.” The truth softened his dark gaze as he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.
Though this wasn’t a trade of kisses for honesty, I wanted nothing more than to taste his mouth. We both bared our truths about the mistakes our weaker selves had given in to as another weaker part of me wanted to give myself to him. To share a deeper truth beyond where words could reach.
Never had anyone listened with such attention, much less spared me their judgment.
