Page 88 of Vow of the Undead
“No.”
“Silver.” A line deepened between his brows. He reached out and placed his hand over mine again but didn’t adjust my grip or tell me to tighten my hold. He simply held onto me until I met his gaze. “You need to train. Over and over. Vampires are blindingly fast and incredibly strong.”
“And I can compel them.” I wouldn’t cause him any more pain than his guilt already did. Hating oneself was enough punishment, and he didn’t deserve it. Even if he’d made a mistake as a monster, he was doing everything to rectify it now. Somehow, he’d overcome his soulless self and found empathy for the people he’d turned.
“Compulsion exhausts you, so you have to strike in the right spot the first time.”
I chewed on my lip and shook my head. “It’s all set up for my victory. The Gods made sure of it.”
Except we still didn’t know what Odin had granted me. When would the power he’d give me surface? Or did he not deem me worthy of one?ThatI could believe.
I wasn’t worthy of anything more than the shame that clawed through my gut.
“Again,” he said.
I narrowed my eyes and glared at him while running my thumb over the rough wood. “I don’t like hurting you.”
His gaze dropped to the stake in my hand, and then to the grass beneath my feet. After a moment of only an owl hooting, he shook his head. “It may have been a mistake to seal this connection between us.”
My arms went limp at my sides, the stake at the edge of my grip. “You mean it was a mistake to kiss me? Just because I don’t want to watch you in pain?”
“Yes!” He snapped. Dropping his voice, he stared at me from beneath his brows. “Because I’m a soulless creature, Silver, not a human man. My desire should be secondary to protecting you, and I gave in to it.”
I recoiled. “So what’s this connection between us? Does it mean I’m soulless too?” I would believe it. I had believed something similar for most of my life.
“It means we understand each other.” He held my gaze as if a thin thread connected us, pulled taut with increasing tension. “It means I’m here for you. I’m your support. That I—” His eyes sliced to The Hall of the Gods behind me. A flutter of wings beat as two black birds burst from the trees and took flight above us. He cleared his throat and faced me. “I care about what happens to you.”
“Because I’m helping you destroy the monsters you made.”
“Because I’ve sought solitude since I turned an entire village, and then I met you.” He grabbed the stake and lifted it with my arm. “Let’s do this again. Tip it up.”
I did as he said. Without prompting, I dug the sharp end into him. It was tougher this time, until I dropped the thicker side lower and shoved it into the soft spot between bones. He gasped and I yanked it back.
“It’s done,” I said. “Now, tell me what meeting me means. I can imagine you’ve met hundreds of people in your existence.”
“And I haven’t admired any of them the way I do you.”
I tipped the stake up again, as if it was a threat. “I’m not someone to admire.” The truth slipped out. I pursed my lips and scolded myself with a dozen silent curses. He didn’t need to hear about my past as much as I shouldn’t dare unlock it. Except with Kayn, I wanted to. He understood the shame that ate away at my heart.
“We’ll have to decide to disagree on that.”
I frowned. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“And you know exactly what I did, yet you still trust me to be here for you and teach you.”
I lowered the stake and shook my head. “That’s because of my mother’s visions. I trust her powers as a seer. She saw you training me, so I’m taking your training.” Again, the silly need for him to admit he cared for me cropped up. It was as childish as it was foolish.
This man was a monster that I was destined to destroy. I looked away from him, observing instead the hills around us.
Icy wind swept through the abandoned valley, tugging tendrils of hair loose from my braids. Stasia was right, she didn’t have the talent that Embla had for styling braids. Shivers made my grip on the stake unsteady.
Kayn stepped to the side to block the wind from me. “That’s exactly what I mean. Your love for your mother, your trust in her, it's admirable. I forgot what it looked like to care for anyone except myself.”
I knew that.
Damn I really knew what that was like.
As much as I cared for my mother, Ragna, Alva, and now Stasia, I’d put myself first too many times. Kayn and I were more similar than I ever would have expected. Maybe it was time I agreed with him. We truly did understand each other, so maybe when he said he admired me, that was true too. A truth I couldn’t simply deny because I believed it wasn’t the right thing for him to do. He was free to believe what he wanted.
