Page 29 of Scout Takes the Lead
“That must be tough,” he said. “Are there any specific things?”
“Loud noises and sudden movements freak me out,” I said. “Not always, but if my brain thinks there’s gunfire, or someone near me wants to hurt me, my reactions kick in.”
I took a couple of deep breaths. I can do this, I thought. “I have these bad dreams, basically rehashing stuff that happened in the past. I think I must start yelling because that wakes up Scout and he starts to sniff and lick me.”
“And that helps?”
I nodded. “Grace calls it interruption. It brings me back to the real world. I’m hoping that having him around will make those bad dreams go away.”
I took another long sip of my beer. “I don’t like being in crowds—I have to go to the Publix early in the morning or late at night when there aren’t many people around, and forget about going to a mall. Mostly I order stuff online.”
“So you’re an Amazon queen,” Kenny said, and smiled slyly.
“Amazon king,” I said.
Suddenly he began to sing. “Lavender blue, dilly dilly, lavender green. If you were king, dilly dilly, I’d be your queen.”
I laughed. “You have a good voice,” I said.
“I did musical theater in high school,” he said. “Started in college, too, but then I met Gary and he took up a lot of time.” He sighed. “We used to sit like this together on the sofa. I know I need to get him out of my head, but it’s hard. You ever have somebody like that?”
I shook my head. “I’ve never had a real, long-term relationship. I was working full-time and going to college after high school, and then I joined the military. I had sex now and then, but never with anything like romance.” I took a deep breath. “Like I feel with Grace.”
“I envy you to be starting something,” Kenny said. “I don’t have the courage for that yet. I think that’s why I got Cheyenne—-sort of like a starter boyfriend.”
“But you were with Gary for a while, weren’t you?”
“He and I got together in college. We grew up together, and gradually we just grew apart. Even the sex didn’t keep us together again. When he wanted to have sex, he’d just say, ‘go wash your penis,’ and that was my cue.”
“Not exactly a romantic, was he?”
“We got tired of each other. I didn’t realize how much I resented him until he was gone. But at the same time it was like losing an arm or a leg. I felt it missing all the time.”
“What do you think I should do about Grace?”
He laughed. “Me? I’m no expert.”
“But you’ve been through a relationship. You know what it means.”
“Look, things are different between straight and gay guys. In some ways you have it easier. You can see a girl you like and approach her, and not worry that you’re going after some straight dude who’s going to punch you out for touching his arm.”
Ouch. I remembered the guy on the street who’d felt my biceps and called them guns, and how I’d whacked him.
“But the advantage gay guys have is that we can both be clear about what we want. If I see a guy in a bar and we make eye contact, then I know we both want to get into each other’s pants. If it goes on from there, fine. If not, fine.”
“That’s not the way you felt about Gary, though.”
“It was at first. But girls, you have to go slower. They’re more about the emotion than guys.” He laughed. “Look at me, a gay loser trying to tell a handsome straight guy how to score with a woman.”
“This is a dumb question, and probably offensive. But the beer has loosened me up enough to ask.”
“You want to know if in a gay couple, one guy is the man and the other the woman.”
I felt myself blushing. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.”
“It’s not just about who does what to whom,” he said. “I know masculine guys who like football and beer and like to bottom. I think it’s more like one is more sensitive and interested in feelings and the other is more rough-and-tumble. Opposites attract and all that. Gary was the big man in our relationship and he used to call me the ball and chain. But he was the one who liked a dick up his ass.”
I held up my hand. “More than I wanted to know.”
