Page 55 of Semi Sweet
“Why not?” I rose from the chair and followed her to the breakroom.
“Truthfully, I want to see what your roommate made you for lunch today.”
I was a cross between embarrassed and on edge at Tasha mentioning Sean. Why was I so possessive of him?
“We actually had takeout last night, so I packed a microwave meal.” I was nice enough to give Tasha one of the macarons I’d packed for dessert and I tried to smile as Tasha gushed about how cute and delicious it was.
“Okay, come clean. He’s got to have a flaw.”
I had to bite my tongue to not blurt out my theory about Sean being some sort of alien because he was talented, kind, and really the complete package. There I was being jealous again. I wanted to punch myself for feeling that way.
“He’s very focused on his work. He doesn’t take time for himself often.” It was true, but it was such a weak explanation. It was the best one I had.
“Oh, I’m sure I could offer him a distraction.” Tasha had an expression that made me uncomfortable. “We should go out for drinks after work and he could meet us. What about today?”
I’d never been so excited to have class. “Damn, I’ve got school tonight. Sorry.”
Tasha looked disappointed and I felt bad for feeling so happy. “Oh well, maybe some other time.”
***
You could just tell her it’s complicated.I told myself as my class wrapped up later that evening.She doesn’t really know you. You could tell her anything, really.I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just be upfront with my new coworker about Sean. Maybe it was because I couldn’t be upfront with my feelings for him.
I’d spent years with someone who didn’t treat me right, who loved me, for some strange, distorted reason I really didn’t understand. Was I worried it was too soon? Was I convinced I couldn’t trust any man? I knew that wasn’t true. If I didn’t trust Sean, I would be sleeping at a local women’s center or found a warm stoop somewhere. Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that I was strong and Sean’s feelings for me were ill-timed. I needed to sort myself out before I loved someone else. But if that was the case, why didn’t I give Sean Tasha’s number?
I wrestled with myself as I collected my things, smiled at my professor, and made my way out of the academic building, towards the street corner closest to the train station. There was a more heavily trafficked route that most took, but I cut between the lecture hall and the admissions building to save time. I wanted to get home and take off the shoes I’d picked to wear to the Rocky Mountain Press. They were super cute, but not necessarily functional and now that I’d been in them for almost twelve hours, I’d had enough.
“Maybe I should just give in,” I suggested to myself. “Get it out of my system and then I can decide if the feelings are for him or the situation.” I almost laughed out loud. It might have just been the situation back when Sean had been an anonymous secret admirer. Now I wasn’t so sure.
“Olivia!”
I’d been so deep in thought that I hadn’t noticed if I’d walked by someone. The voice made me freeze in place, made my stomach drop down to my uncomfortable shoes. It was one I was far too familiar with.
Sure enough, when I turned around, Evan was standing there, dressed the most casual I’d seen him in years. Almost disheveled, his hair had no product in it and his face was gaunt like he hadn’t been eating. His eyes were bloodshot and I wondered if he’d come here every night I was supposed to have class until he finally ran into me. Had he gone out after having his daily dose of bourbon or was he sober? I wasn’t sure what scared me more.
“What the hell, Olivia?” he demanded. “Seven years and you just leave?”
Oh, Evan. You really want to do this right now?I thought of all the times he had scolded me about appearances and yet he continued to be the one who had outbursts in public. I wondered what he would have done if I’d tried to work at Cash Value Market during this weird time. Would he have done this? Would the front end girls still envy me?
I thought about what was weighing on my mind earlier, how I needed to sort out how I felt about myself and how I needed to be more honest for myself and everyone around me. I clenched my fists, hoping it would give me strength.
“I should have left a long time ago.”
Frustration flashed across his face. “What, because I want you to be the best version of yourself you can be? Because I know if you stopped wasting your time and focused on what’s important, you’d be an incredible asset to me and my family? I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.”
It had been just over a week, yet I could see now what Sean meant about Evan manipulating me. He was still trying to do it now.
“If you loved me, you would know what is important to me,” I challenged.
“You don’t think I love you?”
“I think you did. Something happened,” I answered, my knuckles turning white. “I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to share all that I am with you. You stopped caring.”
“What are you talking about?” He stepped closer to me, his eyes narrowing like he couldn’t process what I was saying. “I was prepared to let you be my wife. To have a share in my family’s success. You were always in your own world, writing make believe things, watching cartoons, and listening to music I can’t understand.”
He was going to let me be his wife? I felt my heart breaking because he didn’t get it. I didn’t think he would. Those things he didn’t ‘understand’ were part of who I was, of who I always had been.
“I was hated at Cash Value Market because of your family and your success. Instead of being aware of that, you yelled at people and made them do things for me. If that wasn’t hard enough, my escape was stupid and childish to you. I burned bridges for you and you offered me no safe haven.”
