Page 84 of The Charm Offensive
Charlie kneels down in front of him.
Breathe,he reminds himself.Just breathe.
Water sluices down Charlie’s nose, across his clavicle, traveling the horizontal fault line of his abdominal muscles, and Dev hunches forward to protect Charlie from the water as he takes Dev in his mouth.
“Oh, love,” he says involuntarily. Everything he says and does becomes involuntary, his other hand sweeping through Charlie’s hair and holding on tight. He says please and thank you, and he falls into Charlie’s lap when it’s over, sitting on the floor of their hotel shower, wrapped up in wet limbs.
Charlie pulls him into a rough kiss, and when Charlie mutters, “I love the way you taste,” Dev bursts out laughing. The sound is wet, echoing off the shower walls, and Charlie looks both offended and pleased with himself.
They only dry off and don’t bother with clothes as they spread out on the cool sheets in their bed. They rock-paper-scissors for who gets to choose what they watch, and Dev wins and still choosesThe Expanse, even though he doesn’t understand the plot. Charlie props himself against the headboard and Dev props himself against Charlie. It’s nevereverbeen this good.
Dev toes his laptop a safe distance away and reaches up to kiss Charlie—a heady kiss that’s more hands and teeth than anything else. But when they pull apart again, he does something new. He tries talking, tries opening up for Charlie the way Charlie opened up for him.
He tells Charlie about his perfect childhood: vacations in Europe and summers in the Outer Banks, every material need met. Parents who loved him and supported him, always; a brain that never stopped and a heart that was too big.
He was always a happy kid, quick to make friends, a natural performer, which made it all the more confusing when he started going through phases where he became sullen and withdrawn, phases where he’d cry at the smallest things and fake being sick to avoid going to school for days at a time. His parents would worry during these phases and argue late into the night about doctors and medications and specialists who studied chakras and energy flow. They loved him, and he hated that he was causing them pain. So it just became easier to pretend to be Fun Dev all the time, to put on a smile so he wasn’t such a burden. After all, he had no reason to be sad. Everything was always fine.
He tells Charlie about the boyfriends whom he knew could never really love him back, the boyfriends who never bothered to find out what exists on the other side of Fun Dev, and the boyfriends who never called him beautiful, and Charlie takesDev’s face in his giant hands and pulls him close. “You are the most beautiful man in the world.”
“I’m reallynot.”
“You are,” Charlie says, brushing kisses along his cheekbones. “You’re so good at seeing other people. I wish you could see yourself.”
Charlie
“An entire Group Quest based aroundtouching? Whose idea was this?”
It’s Wednesday morning, and Dev is screaming at a field producer. Unfortunately, the field producer is screaming back, so neither of them hear Charlie quietly protesting, “It’s fine.”
“It was Maureen Scott’s idea to have the contestants learn Balinese massage, and if you have a problem with it, Dev, why don’t you call her yourself?”
“It’s really fine,” Charlie tries again, but Dev is already screaming back, “You should’ve caught this! Have you been sleepwalking through this season? Charlie doesn’t like to be touched, and—”
“It’s fine, Dev,” Charlie says loud enough this time. Dev stops, turns, and looks at Charlie. Well, he looks at Charlie’s ear. For their day of Balinese massage, Charlie and the contestants are all wearing sheer robes over their underwear. Charlie’s robe is decorated with pink frangipani flowers, and it cuts him across the upper thigh. He looks. Well. He looks very gay, and when he first stepped out of the changing room, Dev turned very pale and stopped looking at anything south of Charlie’s chin.
“You don’t have to say it’s fine,” Dev says. “It’s in your file. This ishisfault.”
The field producer smiles beatifically at Dev while flipping him off with both hands.
“What the fuck is this?” Ryan shouts at everyone and no one as he comes stomping onto set. “Didn’t you dickweeds read his file? Why are we doing a massage Quest? Charlie doesn’t like to be touched!”
Charlie can hardly believe this is the same man who screamed at him seven weeks ago while he attempted to ride a horse. “It’s fine, Ryan. Really. I don’t mind.”
Ryan claps a hand on his shoulder. “Dude, you sure?”
“Dude. I’m so sure.”
Ryan shrugs and hurries off to prep the contestants, and the field producer returns to debriefing the camera crew. Only Dev still looks angry about the situation. “I really appreciate you standing up for me,” Charlie says quietly. “But if you remove every potential trigger from my path, I will never develop coping strategies. It’s okay to let me struggle sometimes. I’m okay with this Quest.”
Dev stubbornly tucks his chin against his chest, and Charlie understands so plainly, so quickly. Dev’s anger has nothing to do with Charlie and his triggers.
“Areyouokay with this Quest?”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?” Dev pushes his glasses up his nose.
“I don’t know. Maybe you’re…jealous?”
“I am not jealous,” Dev huffs, sounding unmistakably jealous. Charlie brushes his knuckles across Dev’s hand as he passes by, trying to reassure him with the one small gesture they’repermitted on set. It’s odd to return to this world of pretend when things with Dev off camera feel so real.
