Page 77 of Love to Defy You
“Maybe you should skip the coffee,” Alek says.
He’s right. I’m on edge, and if every little sound or movement sets me off, caffeine will only make it worse.
I prop up the pillows and pull the duvet over my naked body. Alek situates the tray on my lap, and I dive into the banana hazelnut crepe on the plate, but as I eat, I feel his eyes on me.
“Do you want to talk about last night?” Alek asks after a long stretch.
I shrug. “Not really.”
He leans over and places his hand on my calf over the bedcovers. “Last night was intense. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t have a sub drop after that.” Alek drops his gaze and smiles to himself. “You did so well,malishka. Truly.”
“Well, it was either that or die.” I shove another bite of food into my mouth.
It feels wrong to admit that I enjoyed it when the stakes were so high, and guilt twists my gut. Our lives are on the line, and all I want is to do it again. It’s like the first hit of a drug; even though it’s bad for you, the high is so addictive that you’ll do depraved things to get more of it.
“I just want to make sure you’re all right—“
“I’m fine.” I reach over to grab my phone off the nightstand to tune him out. The last thing I want to do is sort through the complicated web of my thoughts and feelings on the Trial of Lust. How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that one wrong word could end our lives and yet that somehow turns me on?
When my screen lights up, I scroll through the push notifications of everything I missed since I last checked my phone. An email message makes me pause, and I open my inbox to read it further.
“What’s wrong?” Alek asks.
Between my engagement and fighting for survival, I completely forgot about the internship Josie brought up last semester. I never broached the subject with Alek because he wasdealing with his own shit, and I didn’t want to bring it up when it wasn’t a sure thing.
But I’m not sure I can hide it any longer, especially since the publishing house in London wants to set up a video interview with me next week.
I chew on my lip. How can I even think about an internship when we might not survive to the end of the semester?
Alek gets impatient and snatches the phone out of my hand.
“Hey!” I reach for it, but he keeps me at arm’s length as he reads the email.
When he’s finished, he glances up. “An internship? In London?”
My shoulders slump as I let out a heavy sigh. “Don’t be mad.”
“Why would I be mad?” He looks at the screen again. “Malishka, this is great news.”
I push the tray away from me. My appetite has vanished after a couple of bites.
“You don’t want the internship?” Alek quirks his eyebrow.
“It’s not that.” I run my fingers through my hair and stare at the coffee rippling in the mug.
“Then what is it?” he asks. “We won’t be apart, if that’s what you’re worried about. We’ll spend the summer in London together.”
I pin him with a hard stare. “How are we supposed to plan that far ahead when we should be focusing on how to survive the next couple of months?”
After my mom got sick, I stopped dreaming and planning for an abstract future. It became a blank void, and for a while, I thought it was because I wasn’t meant to live past high school. After all, it’s hard to self-actualize when you’re just trying to survive day to day and avoid a complete mental breakdown.
But this past year, that changed. After traveling with Alek, I caught glimpses of a promising future for us, and it gave mehope. It drove me to study hard to get into Weltner. I wanted to do better and be better, to dare to be ambitious and chase goals.
Until the Order of Apollo came along and threatened to tear it all down, and now, I’m right back where I started when Mom got sick. Her life was hanging by a thread until the cancer consumed her. How is it any different from Alek trying to survive the Order?
“Hey, don’t do that.” Alek reaches for my hand. “Don’t self-sabotage.”
I’m about to give him an indignant reply, but when I open my mouth, I pause.
