Page 111 of As a Last Resort
“You don’t get to do that.”I turned from him and headed back into the house, royally pissed off.I needed to grab my stuff and get some space.It was all too much.Too much feeling.Too much expectation.Not enough air.
“Do what?”
“Judge my life.You’re the one sitting here running a business you don’t even want because you’re too scared to go after what youdowant.”I let the screen door slam shut between us.
“Kind of irrelevant since it’s a company that’s apparently being forced out of business within a few months anyway.”The bottom fell out and I turned around.
He knew.
I was expecting his anger, ready to fight the wrath I deserved for holding this secret for so long, but he stood there with his arms at his side and a melancholy look on his face.He lowered his voice.“Thanks for the heads-up on that one, by the way.”
I didn’t know what to say.I didn’t know how much he knew or where he heard it from.
“I heard I get to captain quite the ship,” he continued.All I could do was look at the floor as he opened the screen door.“The thing I can’t figure out is why you didn’t tell me first.”
“Did Robby tell you?”I asked.
“That’s not the question you should be asking.”His voice sounded sodisappointed.I wish he would have been mad.I wish he would’ve yelled something so I could’ve yelled something back.I was mad at myself.I was mad at Robby.I knew I couldn’t trust him.I should have seen this coming and somehow told Austin myself.
“And for the record,” he continued, “I’m not too scared to go after what I want.The timing isn’t right.”
“That’s always everyone’s excuse.”I was so tired of hearing that.Timing is never right.For anything.
“What’s your excuse?Why are you so scared to be happy?”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”I turned back down the hallway to his bedroom.My clothes were scattered around, piled up on his chair and at the foot of the bed.I shoved dirty socks and shirts into my bag until it was overflowing.
“So you’re just going to leave?”he asked.
“I have a plane to catch.”
“It’s not until tomorrow.”
He grabbed my hand and stilled me.“Why?”
“Why, what?”I spat, wrenching my wrist free.
“Why are you so scared to fall in love with me?”
I looked at him to see if he was serious.“That’s a ridiculous question.”
“You’re terrified of it.Why?”
“I’m not scared.Or terrified.I’m just notinterested.”Pajama pants.Hairbrush.I couldn’t tell if I threw his clothes or mine in my bag.
“So, these last couple weeks, you’ve felt nothing?You’re just, fine?”He followed me around his house, room after room, collecting the things I had scattered the last few days.
“Yeah, I’mfine.”
“You’ve turned into a pretty good liar lately.”
That stung.
“I need to go back to the city.You know, where Iwork.Andlive.That was the plan, remember?”I walked to his couch and threw around the cushions looking for my keys that had mysteriously vanished.
“Plans can change.”
“My plans don’t change.”TV stand, bar counter, by the fridge…
