Page 113 of As a Last Resort
“You just want distractions to keep you from wanting more.”
“You have no idea what I want.”I opened the driver’s side door.
“But I know what I want.I want you.”He pushed the door shut behind me and pinned me to the car.
I blinked back the tears welling in my eyes.“It’s not that simple.”
“It is.”He lifted my chin.“Sam, look at me.Everyone writes a story in their head that eventually becomes their life.If you don’t write it for yourself then everyone else is going to write it for you.”
Other people’s circumstances dictated my entire life.It’s how it had always been.It was time for me to choose what I wanted.
“You want me today.Maybe tomorrow.Maybe even in a few years.But there will come a moment when I won’t fit anymore.”
“Why can’t you just trust me?”
“I do trust you.That’s not it.”
“Then tell me what it is,” he pleaded.
“It’s nothing, it’s just not worth—”
“Not worth being happy?”
“It’s not worth the pain when you eventually leave.”The words burned like acid pouring out of my mouth.“Everyone always does.”
There it was.The reason why I worked so hard.The reason Iburied myself in distractions.In this awful thing calledreal life, I could do everything—bend myself until I broke, give up every dream I’ve ever had, put everyone else above and before me, and it still wouldn’t be enough for someone to stay.There was still a chance they could leave, whether they choose to themselves or not.
I belonged in the black-and-white of the world I’d built that respected time, energy, and effort.There were calculated risks for things I was willing to bargain with, and outcomes based on data.There weren’t bad scans one day showing something under the surface that shouldn’t be.Business proposals rarely got up and walked out the door because they didn’t measure up to what was originally promised.At least, not on my watch.I didn’t have to beenoughto keep my work around, but with people I did.There was an overwhelming sense of the possibility that if I did something wrong or didn’t do enough, they’d leave.God forbid I miss an expectation they had and I come up short.
“That’s not fair.”
“People leave.That’s what they do.”
“Not if they love each other.”
“Love is never enough.I’ve learned that twice over.”
His chest sank as he stepped forward and rested his hands on my neck.“I’m not your father.Or your mother.And I don’t deserve that.”
“You deserve a hell of a lot better than what I can give you.”
“Good things don’t always get taken away, Sam.That’s not how it works.”
“Oh, my bad.I guess I forgot the universe wasfair.”I hated how the crack in my voice betrayed how deep the anger ran.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”His thumbs traced my collarbone gently, leaving a trail of ache behind them.
“I’m due forsomethingto work out, right?I mean, what are the chances?Enough bad has happened, I’m bound to have something good turn out.But that’s not the way this world works.People leave.Sometimes they choose to.But sometimes they don’t have a choice.”
He was pleading with his eyes.I had to get away soon or I’d be done for.I wanted to change my mind.I wanted to sink into his arms and let him carry me inside and cook bacon for me every single morning for the rest of my life.I wanted to stay and pretend like the world could be kind, and life could be fair and predictable, but it couldn’t.
It wouldn’t.
I gently pushed him back and looked into his eyes.They had turned more brown than green.
I got into my car and pressed the start button.
I didn’t have to look in the rearview mirror to know he stood there, willing me to turn around.
