Page 132 of As a Last Resort
She hesitated and looked to Dr.Joseph who gave a subtle nod again.
“Your dad,” she started and paused.The bottom of my stomach fell.She took a deep breath and began again.“Your dad was everything that held me together.When he died, I was so angry.I didn’t know how to wake up in a world where he didn’t exist anymore.”
It dawned on me that I had never heard my mom acknowledge the fact that he died.It was alwayswhen he left, orafter he was gone.
“I spent almost four years watching you blame him for dying.”
“It was easier to be angry than to be sad.And I was a coward.Remembering him hurt too much.I thought maybe if I forgot he was there in the first place, I wouldn’t have to exist in a world where he no longer was.”
I knew this.I knew how she felt, but her actually admitting it felt like it meant something completely different now.
“Is there anything else you’d like to say, Bonnie?”
“A lot more, yes, but I think that’s a good start.”
The doctor looked at me.“Would you like to say anything, Samantha?”
There were so many conversations we had over the years and I never felt like she heard what I was saying.She was looking at me, expecting me to say something.Now was as good a time as ever.
I told her how once Dad died, home became somewhere that had a lot of pain and it was all I saw when I thought of it.I wanted to leave so badly, thinking maybe if I got away from the island, away from her, it would get better.On the surface it did for a while.I had a great job.Lived in a busy city.Filled my time with to-do lists and spreadsheets and took on more things than I could handle just so I wouldn’t have to slow down.If I did, it would all come crashing forward over me like a wave.
I had been running away from it for so long, it just felt normal to turn the other way.I didn’t want that anymore.
“I don’t want home to be somewhere I keep running away from.”
Dr.Joseph gave a small nod.“Thank you for sharing that.Sometimes we’re able to redefine a physical space into something different if we’re willing to look at why it’s not a safe space for us to begin with.By acknowledging and accepting what originally caused that feeling for you, sometimes that in and of itself can redefine it.”
“I won’t pressure you to come visit anymore.But know I’d alwayslove to see you.And you don’t have to stay with me.You could stay with Lexi.Or at the Starfish.Wherever you want.No pressure.”
“If it’s alright with you, I’m actually going to stay at the house the next couple days.It’s Lexi’s wedding weekend and the rehearsal dinner is tonight at the Marcs’ house out on the water.”
“Gosh, I feel like I’ve been out of the loop for so long.Josie sent me an email updating me on all the wedding weekend festivities.That poor Lexi and all her brother’s drama right before her wedding.She’ll be happy you’re going.”
My heart froze.
Austin.
“What drama?”Had she somehow heard about us?
“Bonnie.”Dr.Joseph gave her a narrowed eye and Mom sat up straighter.
“It was only through email, and just this morning.No cheating, I promise.I haven’t spoken to anyone.”She looked at me and saw I was still worried.“Oh, honey, Lexi’s fine.It’s just that woman he was seeing forever ago.The nerve, coming all the way back here after so many years.You’d think he would have smartened up by now.”
The room started to fuzz at the edges.“Vanessa?”
“Yes!That’s her.Knowing that girl’s family, it doesn’t surprise me.She swings back and forth between men like it’s an Olympic sport.”
“Let’s focus on what’s in front of us, Bonnie.On what we can do today.”
“Right, good advice.Speaking of…” My mother stood up, brushed off her jeans and tucked her hair behind her ears, completely clueless she had just shoved a lance through my soul.“I have a hitting lesson at two on the tennis courts.I’m completely awful at it but the outfits are cute, so there’s that.”
The only extracurricular activity I knew my mom to do wasbarhopping.And now I could add shattering my world and tennis to that list.
“Thank you for giving me today, Samantha.”She pulled me into a hug.“And don’t worry about Lexi.She has you to lean on again and I know that means the world to her.”
She walked out and I stood in a daze.That couldn’t be right.There’s no way Vanessa would come back.But even if hell froze over and she did, there’s no way he’d take her back.You don’t just run off with your fiancé’s best friend, marry him, then change your mind years later and get welcomed back with open arms, right?
As I walked out of the facility, the pit in my stomach grew heavier.They had spent years together.We had spent weeks together.At one point, he had built his entire world around her and envisioned having kids.A house.Alife.All with her.
