Page 99 of As a Last Resort
Her door was open a crack.If I stepped through that door, there was no turning back.I wasn’t the kind of man who could have fun for a few nights and walk away unscathed.If I walked through that door, I’d be willingly handing over my heart, knowing it could go directly into a shredder.I didn’t just want a day or two with her.I wanted the thousand little moments of her brushing her teeth by my side, her pouring coffee into her cup, putting groceries in my pantry.I wanted my bathroom to smell like her in the mornings after she got ready.I wanted her jeans left haphazardly on the floor by my bed because there wasn’t time to do anything else when we got home but kick them off.
If I took this leap, there’d be a very real chance I could wake up one day alone and shattered into a million little pieces.
I stared at her cracked door and felt the ground shift beneath me.
I wasn’t in jeopardy of falling.
I’d already jumped.
I was in free fall.
I pushed the door open slowly while my heart swelled with everystep.I crossed the room to the side of the bed.She lay curled on top of the blanket, her shoulder gracefully rising and falling in a steady rhythm.Her head rested on the pillow, hair sprawled out around her, beautifully fast asleep.
My heart liquefied into a puddle at my feet.
I reached down and brushed a stray piece of hair from across her face, careful not to wake her.Her lips were barely parted, breath whispering through the room in little waves.For a moment, I just stood there, watching her.She looked so peaceful, as if the weight she carried all day finally had lifted for just a few hours.
Then, guilt hit me, hard and fast.Tonight would’ve only complicated things.I refused to be yet another thing she’d have to carry.I wanted to take every burden I could from her shoulders and put them on mine, not become one myself.
I tore myself from the guest room, every step heavier than the last, and slowly pulled the door shut behind me.
31
SAMANTHA
Mary Kay curled back in her patio chair with a crisp white wine that had frosted the sides of the glass.“So, tell me about living in the city.Is it everything they say it is?”
We sat around the table in the backyard with empty plates and full bellies.
My anxiety almost made me cancel.I woke up to Austin gone already.No note.No text.The last thing I remembered was the sound of the shower running.Could I seriously have fallen asleep?It was a long day—the sun, the stuff with Robby, and the call with Glenn.I hadn’t heard from Mom.But I left my door cracked.I know I did.I’ve never stared at a door with so much anticipation in my life.But when I woke up this morning it was closed.
There was no way I had the wrong impression, right?Did I step out of line?Was he not interested?Did I read the whole thing wrong?
I knew I had been a little short with him on the boat, but I thought we were on a whole other path after he got home, then, nothing.I was nervous seeing Lexi’s family again after so long and adding Austin on top of it just complicated the night.I was anxious about rewinding seven years and seeing people I barelyknew anymore.My stomach was in knots, but the moment Mary Kay opened the door as I walked up the driveway and ran to wrap her arms around me, I knew I made the right decision in coming.
My eyes pricked with small pools of water.I was swept back in time the moment she hugged me, and the familiar scent of lemon cleaner surrounded me.
“To answer your question, yes.And so much more.There are five-star restaurants around every corner.I sat next to Robert De Niro at a random coffee shop just last month.You can order takeout at any hour, on any day.There are always people moving about and there’s always something to do.Theater, ballet, musicals, parks, art museums, concerts.You name it, you can find it somewhere.”
Bill leaned forward at the head of the table.“The entertainment capital of the world, right?”
“I think that’s Vegas, Dad,” Lexi said.
“Same idea.”
“Seems like a lot of distractions to me.”Austin hadn’t spoken directly to me all night.He’d barely made eye contact since he walked in late.The worst-case scenario of me completely misreading our entire existence together morphed ten times over already in my mind.Were we acting like we didn’t see each other?Like I wasn’t staying with him?Maybe he could read my mind and he realized I’m an awful person keeping a huge secret from him and he hated me now.
Ugh, I had no idea.
“It can be if you’re not intentional about creating downtime.”I bumped my knee against his under the table but he wouldn’t look at me.He’d been withdrawn throughout dinner.
Mary Kay beamed at me.“Well, I always knew you were made for something bigger.Every time you and Alexandra would play store, by the time you two were done you’d have opened a pretend ice cream shop, bakery, and coffee shop and had a full pitch ready to go to the city council on a new playground proposal.”
Lexi lit up.“We definitely still hold the record for lemonade stands in a single summer on the island.”
“You always had such an imaginative brain.They’re lucky to have you up there.”Her words melted my insides.I hadn’t realized how much I missed affirmation from someone who actually knew me.Not just the business workaholic side of me, but the me who had always loved to dream and build and play for fun.
“Pretty sure you two funded our entire VHS tape collection with the proceeds from those lemonade stands,” Bill said.
