Page 128 of Something Like Forever
“Yeah,”Ben said, throat already feeling tight. “Jace wasn’t veryforthcoming about Victor when we first started dating. He wouldmention him, but in a way that made him sound alive. He told melater that Bernard did the same thing with his son on occasion. Iguess that’s where he got the idea. Jace let it go on a little toolong, because when I met his family and friends, they all knew thetruth. I didn’t.” He gestured to the clearing. “This was hisapology to me. A secret he gave to me that no one else knew. Hescattered Victor’s ashes here. In their special place. Jace musthave loved him very much, because he asked me to scatter his asheshere too.”
“Did you?”
Ben nodded, unable tospeak more.
Nathaniel put an armaround him, hand clamped on his shoulder. They stood there insilence, Ben trying to collect himself, because he wasn’t here forhis own needs. He nudged the branches on the ground with his foot.“This was a lean-to. Greg told me how he helped Victor rebuild it.He was a Boy Scout. Greg, not your father. He used to visit Victorafter Jace left town and tried to help him as much as he could. Hesays the original one was over here.” They walked across theclearing together. It wasn’t very big and there wasn’t much to see.The silence, broken only by the wind in the trees, made his skinprickle. This was a special place. He hoped Nathaniel thought sotoo.
“Some old cans here,”Nathaniel said.
“Yeah.I’m not sure about those. I doubt either of them cooked much, sothat might have been dinner. Greg will be able to tell you more.Speaking of which, I know it’s silly, but if you could keep thesecret… I don’t know why Jace never told anyone but me. Maybe itwas only to make me feel special. If so, it worked. I think hewould like the idea of giving you the same thing—a piece of yourfather that no one else has. Just me and you.”
Nathaniel’s head wasbowed. “It means a lot to me. Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome.” Hehad another request, one he felt bad asking for.
To his surprise, Nathanielgot there ahead of him. “Do you think I could be alone? There aresome things I need to say.”
“Only if I get to gofirst,” Ben said.
“Yeah! No problem. Thatfallen tree we climbed over—”
“I’ll meet you there,” Bensaid.
He waited until the soundof footsteps faded away. Then he went to the spot where he had leftJace’s ashes, clutching at himself as he looked around. “I reallyneed you right now,” he said. “I’m scared. Tim is sick. Cancer. Ifhe doesn’t pull through then I’m as good as dead, because I can’thandle going through that again. I’d rather come back here and curlup into a ball until I’m ashes too. Or dust. I know you must thinkthat I’m being dramatic, but it’s not just cancer. That’s badenough. What worse is that it feels like he’s already givenup.”
You never would have letme get away with that.
The words popped into hishead, but then, they had been there all morning as he continuedpuzzling over where exactly they fit into his life. He had assumedthey belonged to the past, but maybe…
“You’re freaking kiddingme,” Ben whispered, wiping at his eyes. “Jace?”
He waited for a response.Nothing came.
“Okay,”he said, shaking his head. “Get a hold of yourself, Ben.” Whetherit was coincidence or not, he still had worries to exorcise. “Ikeep thinking of you, toward the end. You needed me to let you go,and I can’t help wondering if this is the same. Maybe it’s just thebeginning, but if it keeps getting worse, if Tim comes out of thesurgery with complications like you did, then maybe… I don’t know.Maybe this is what life is all about. Loving is only the beginningof the lesson. Letting go is the rest.”
A promise is apromise.
Ben froze. His thoughtshad been elsewhere. A small house in the heart of Austin, and alarger one on the outskirts. He hadn’t been trying to remember thedream or make sense of it, but the words fit perfectly. Tim hadpromised. Expecting him to fulfill that wish was ridiculous, butthen so was seeking answers from the dead.
Ben laughed at himself,shaking his head at his own foolishness, but just in case he wasn’tcrazy… “I love you,” he murmured. “Like Bernard said, one way oranother you’re still with me, and I want you to know that I thinkof you every single day. You’re a part of me. Thank you for—” Heshook his head, overwhelmed by the countless happy memories theyhad made together. “—everything. Thank you for all ofit.”
He let himself cry overthe past and his worries of the future. When he was finished, hewalked through the woods until he found Nathaniel.
“All done,” Ben said. “Doyou know the way back?”
Nathaniel nodded. “To boththe clearing and the house, yeah.”
“Okay. I’ll meet you bythe lake. Take your time. All you need. I mean it.”
“Thanks,” Nathanielsaid.
Ben patted him on the arm,then gave him his privacy. When he reached the lake, he walkedalong an old rickety dock, unsure if it would hold his weight. Hethought of Jace, and how nice growing up here must have been, eventhough he had felt the need to seek his destiny elsewhere.Astounding what some people were willing to do for love. Not justJace, but himself, and even Tim, who had strived to become the sortof man Ben needed. Maybe he would be willing to grow a little more.After all, a promise was a promise.
* * * * *
Tim was painting in hisstudio, the private one on their property, separate from the house.He stood in front of a canvas that continued to frustrate him withits emptiness, so he dragged two thick vertical streaks down it incontrasting colors, one orange, the other blue. He was hoping thiswould jumpstart his creativity, but an hour later, he was stillstaring at the same two lines.
Strange, because thehardest times in his life—missing Ben or grieving Eric—had fueledsome of his best art. Why not now? He had lost his little princessand was facing his own death. He had been separated from the loveof his life for three days! Usually just one night was enough tosend angsty emotions racing from his heart and down his arm to thepaint brush. Instead, he felt like one more joy in life had beenstolen from him.
