Page 26 of Something Like Forever
“I don’t know either,”Jason replied, unable to make eye contact.
“Are you hungry?” Timsaid. “Let’s go out for some grub.”
Ben didn’t budge. Neither did Jason.
Tim tried again. “Or Icould bring back takeout.”
“That would be nice,” Bensaid. “Thank you.”
Tim nodded. “No problem. Chinese soundokay?”
“Sure.” Ben waited untilhe had gone. Then he moved toward the kitchen. “Do you have anywine left?”
“The box is on thecounter,” Jason said.
Ben found two glasses inthe cabinet and returned to the couch with them filled. Then he satnext to his son and handed him one.
“Happy Valentine’s Day,”he said.
Jason glumly accepted theglass, and they drank together.
“Thisisn’t like you,” Ben said. “This isn’t the boy who risked sneakinginto the room of his foster brother, just to watch him sleep, orthe one who refused to lie about how he felt when he finally gotcaught. This isn’t the man who wouldn’t back down because he knew,absolutelyknewthat he loved William, even though another guy was in the way.So tell me what’s changed. Between then and now, what happened tomake you so damn afraid?”
“You,” Jason said, voicewavering. “For the longest time, I wouldn’t even let myself thinkof you and Tim as anything but my friends.” He shook his head as ifit were hopeless. “You shouldn’t have adopted me.”
“Screw that!” Ben said. “Idon’t regret adopting you or anything else I’ve done, and do youknow why? Because I followed my heart! Even though it got me intotrouble and I made stupid mistakes and hurt the people I love, atleast I was being true to myself instead of giving in to fear. Canyou honestly say you’ve done the same?”
“No,” Jason said, eyesdowncast.
“Then what’s your excuse?How did adopting you turn into an excuse for shutting down likethis?”
“Because she died!” Jasonsaid, voice cracking. “I kept writing those stupid letters to mymom, waiting every day for a response, and she wasn’t even alive! Ididn’t know. I was at the group home when it happened. They didn’ttell me right away, but if they had just let me be with her, if Iwas still living with my mom when she started dying…” Jason drainedhalf his glass, hand shaking when he set it down again. “Maybe Icould have helped somehow. Like I did for Tim.”
The images came unbidden.Palms pressing against a gunshot wound, trying to hold back theblood gushing out, but those hands hadn’t been his own. Ben hadpanicked, and Tim might have died had Jason not been there andacted quickly. “It’s extremely unlikely that will happenagain.”
“I’ll be here if it does,”Jason said, jaw clenching. “You can hate me all you want, but I’llbe here if anything bad goes down. I won’t be selfish like shewas.” He shook his head, slow and determined. “I won’t.”
“Neither will I,” Bensaid, “and that means letting you go.”
Jason looked at himsharply, expression vulnerable. Then his face crumpled, and heleaned over.
Ben opened an arm to takehim in, rubbing Jason’s back as he cried, and admitted to himselfthat he no longer understood. Ben had once thought he did, but whatJason had gone through must have scarred him more deeply than herealized. Only now was he discovering the full extent.
“What about William?” Benmurmured. “Aren’t you scared of losing him too? He’s the oneputting himself at risk every day.”
“He knows what he’sdoing,” Jason said, wiping at his nose. “He trained most of hislife for this.”
“What about emotionally?What if you lose him that way? I don’t want anything bad to happento you either.”
“He’ll be back,” Jasonsaid. “William mentioned that he has time off soon. He’ll come backfor me.”
But for how long? The man might be a saint,but he was still human.
When Tim returned withfood, they focused on eating, sticking to subjects that didn’t haveto do with foster care or far-away boyfriends. Then they saidgoodbye, Ben reassuring Jason that they loved him, and that theywould never stop.
“That was rough,” Tim saidonce they were home again.
“Yeah,” Ben said. “I thinkI’d like to be alone. Do you mind? Maybe we could do somethingromantic tomorrow instead.”
