Page 144 of Something Like Winter
There was an awkward pause, then Jace said, “Come kiss me goodnight.”
Tim listened, the subtle sounds excruciating.
“Is something wrong?” Ben asked.
“It’s just—” Jace sighed. “Your eyes light up when he’s around. The same way they do when you look at me.”
“I love you,” Ben said, almost with desperation.
Jace’s response was gentle. “I know. Come to bed soon. Okay?”
Tim listened as the living room lamps clicked off, one by one. He felt the quilt pulled tight, Ben tucking it in around him. Tim wanted to open his eyes, to pull Ben down on the couch with him, but he didn’t dare move. Then Ben caressed his hair, just a single gentle stroke as innocent as a mother’s touch. But of course it wasn’t.
Tim listened to Ben’s sigh, his footsteps in the hallway as the wood beneath the carpet creaked, the bedroom door as it clicked shut. Then Tim got up and snuck out the front door.
* * * * *
Insects hummed, thriving in the humid night. Tim sat on the front steps, rolling a bottle of beer between his palms while Chinchilla slept on her side, enjoying the cool concrete. They could have been out back, next to the soothing waters of the pool, but Tim was waiting. Maybe it wouldn’t happen tonight, but the storm was coming. The only question was whether or not it would rain.
Sure enough, Ben’s car pulled up half an hour later.
“You’re either here to do something that you really shouldn’t,” Tim said, “or you came to say goodbye.”
“I’m sorry.” Ben stood before him, not bothering to sit. This would be a short visit. “I wish we could just be friends.”
“No, you don’t.” Tim managed a brave smile. “That’s the problem, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
Tim took a deep breath. “You think we would have made it? Say we never had the cops chasing us that night, that we kept on going. Do you think we’d still be together?”
Ben thought about it, maybe considering the possibilities that could have been, but instead of answering he swallowed and said, “I have to go.”
Desperation stole over Tim. He wouldn’t be able to breathe if Ben walked away. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you, Benjamin. I don’t have anything left.”
“That’s not true. You have plenty.”
“Did I tell you that I came out to my parents?”
“No.”
“Yeah. They weren’t thrilled. If they were distant before—” Tim shook his head.
“They’ll get over it. And if they don’t, then they can fuck themselves.”
Tim smiled at this resurgence of Ben’s teenage attitude. That’s probably what he would have said if Tim had come out way back then. His parents would have flipped out, and Tim would have come sulking to Ben, only for him to say those very words.They can fuck themselves.Then their relationship would have continued, no worse for the wear. If only Tim could have understood that back then.
“Don’t go back to Ryan,” Ben said. “You don’t need him. Or me. Or anyone else, for that matter.”
Tim shook his head. “I’ve always needed you.”
“You might want us, but you don’t need us. You said I bring out the best in you, but all those wonderful things were already there, even before I came along. Live for yourself, Tim. Decorate the house with your paintings. Don’t hide them away. Don’t hide yourself away, either. There’s a whole world out there waiting to see you. The real you.” Ben fumbled with his car keys, already turning to leave, but first his eyes poured over Tim with sorrow. “You’re so beautiful, and I don’t just mean your face or your body.”
“Don’t go,” Tim pleaded.
Ben shook his head and walked away, slowly. Tim could leap to his feet, could spin him around and kiss him and tell him he had to stay. And maybe Ben would for the night, or maybe even a day or two. But eventually he would remember Jace, and his heart would break with what he had done. So Tim remained seated and watched Ben open his car door, pausing with his hand on the doorframe.
“Until next time?” Ben said.
