Page 159 of Something Like Winter
And he hated himself for doing it, but he hesitated because he still loved his mother, even though he often wished he could forget her altogether. He turned around, noticing how miserable Ben looked. So he put an arm around him. His mother’s eyes widened.
“What?” he spat. “What can you possibly say after all these years? Do you know how lonely I was growing up, how desperate for attention I was? And when I figure out the kind of person I need by my side to not feel that way, you turn your back on me completely. What kind of mother are you?”
“We weren’t ready,” his mother said quickly. “I’m sorry. We weren’t ready for a child, and I tried, and I thought you had enough. Later I saw other parents with their children, and I realized how little we gave you. But you were already older then, too old to start coddling.”
“It’s never too late. I don’t need you to coddle me, but you can treat me like I matter to you.”
His mother took a step forward. “Youdomatter!”
“Then why aren’t you a part of my life?” Her eyes flicked to Ben and back. “I thought if I brought him here, you would see… I don’t know, that you would understand. It’s just love. It’s no different.” Tim turned, opening the door for Ben so they could leave. “If you ever want to be a part of my life,” he said over his shoulder, “you know where to find me.”
He thought he heard his mother crying on his way out, but he could no longer let that dictate his actions. He had to live his own life, and her tears were her own doing. She could be laughing right now, cooking up a meal for them both and congratulating him on finding Ben again. She was responsible for her own pain. The choice was hers, not his.
“I’m sorry,” Ben said as they walked back to the car.
“It’s not your fault,” Tim said.
“No, I mean for when we were younger. My parents aren’t like yours. When I came out, they were worried about my safety. Maybe it took a little time for them to get used to the idea, but mostly they just had questions. I naively thought it would be the same for you, the same for everyone, so I kept pressuring you to come out.”
Tim shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Being in the closet didn’t make me happy. You did. I made the wrong choice. Even when you weren’t around, I was glad I came out. I spent so long wishing for their approval and living a lie that it was a relief not to have to try anymore. No more pretending.”
Ben took his hand. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.”
Tim sighed. “Maybe your parents can adopt me.”
“Want me to ask?”
“Yeah. Or I could marry into the family.”
“My sister Karen recently got divorced,” Ben teased.
“That’s not quite what I meant. Hey, did you notice when I called you my boyfriend in front of my parents?”
Ben hesitated. “Yeah.”
“You didn’t disagree. That makes it legal.”
“Really? Is that a Kansas law?”
“Nope. Texas only. I looked it up.”
“Okay.”
Tim glanced over at him. “Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll even let you take me out to dinner.”
“One more stop,” Tim said. “Then I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
Once again they drove to a different neighborhood and parked near one of the bike path entrances. As they walked, Tim held Ben’s hand with confidence. Maybe the previous surprises hadn’t been a hit, but Tim was certain Ben would like this one. They walked down the path together, entering a stretch where the trees on one side fell away to make room for a drainage ditch. The grass was speckled with seasonal yellow. The ditch was just deep enough to cause an injury if someone fell in—a severely sprained ankle, for instance.
“Right here,” Tim said.
Ben shook his head and pulled on his hand. “A little farther. Trust me, I remember this one. I had to come back for my Rollerblades.”
Tim let Ben lead him farther down the path. “This far? Are you sure?”
“Yup. Right here. See that rock down there? It’s probably still splattered with your DNA.”
