Page 28 of Something Like Winter
“I fell in love. Well, sort of. I thought it was love at the time. Really it was probably just a crush, but there were feelings nonetheless.”
“Who was the lucky guy?”
“Kevin, a friend of mine. When he moved away I was heartbroken. I was just twelve at the time. I guess there had always been guys I liked, but with him, I took it to a whole new level. I tried to catch a bus to Utah just to see him, and when that failed, I wrote him a love letter.”
“So did you two ever hook up?”
“I was twelve!” Ben brushed some leaves down on Tim’s head.
“So? I lost my virginity when I was thirteen.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Ben was quiet a moment. “You’re ruining my story.”
“Sorry.”
“So anyway, shortly afterwards, a girl in school asked me out. Not like on a date, but to be her boyfriend or whatever. That was the missing puzzle piece. The idea of being with a girl that way, of being romantic, had never occurred to me. I mean, it was fine for other people, just not for me. But when I thought of Kevin, it felt right.”
Tim shook his head. “That’s not me, Benjamin. I like girls. They turn me on.”
“But you like guys too,” Ben pointed out.
“Maybe.”
Ben lowered himself over the edge and hopped down. He got on the ground with Tim, crawling over him like an animal, bringing their faces close together. He was so damn ballsy! They hadn’t done a thing since last weekend, and Ben acted certain Tim would still be willing. Of course he was right. Ben kissed him, and Tim kissed back, reaching to stroke his hair when Ben moved away.
“Maybe?” Ben said with a smirk. Then he sat back, pulling his legs up in front of him.
Tim sat up too. “You sure know how to make a point!”
Ben grinned. “What I’m trying to say is that it’s not just physical. I’ve messed around with a lot of straight guys before.”
“What? How does that work?”
“Well, it was mostly in junior high when guys are a little more experimental. Or desperate. So there were a handful I would do stuff for.”
Tim wasn’t sure if he should be turned on or jealous. “What sort of stuff?”
“You know firsthand,” Ben said pointedly. “Anyway, I thought there were a lot of other guys like me. I’d already sat in this very tree and put a name to it. I even said it out loud. ‘I’m gay.’ You have to come out to yourself first, so I did. I thought these other guys hadn’t done that yet, so I started talking to them about it.”
“And?”
“And it got around the school. I lost all my friends except for Allison, and most of those guys I thought were like me now have girlfriends.”
Tim watched Ben’s face closely, trying to imagine how that must have felt. In Kansas, the school had turned against Tim because of a lie. But for Ben, they turned their backs because of who he was.
“Sorry, man.” The words were far from sufficient, but they were all Tim could manage.
“It’s okay. I keep getting sidetracked, really. My point is that just because these guys messed around with me, doesn’t make them gay. We all do crazy things when we’re horny. So you sleeping with girls doesn’t mean you’re straight.”
Tim stared at him. Then he laughed. “You think I’m just a very experimental gay guy? I’ve had sex with women enough times that it’s gonewaypast the experimental stage. Is there an expert phase? Because that’s where I’m at.”
Ben tried a new tactic. “Did you love any of them?”
That shut Tim up. The longest relationship he ever had was with Carla, and half the time they were together he didn’t even like her. But part of him cared enough to stick with her. Sort of like he was doing with Krista. He would never be her friend, but as a girlfriend it somehow worked.
“I’ve never been in love with a guy either,” Tim said.
Ben shrugged. “So the jury is still out. At least until you fall in love.”
