Page 46 of Something Like Winter
Tim was gay. He had to be, because his insides ached without end. He had never felt this way about anyone. Krista was more a necessity, Carla a strange sort of infatuation, but neither they nor the girls that came before them had carved their names into his heart like Ben had. Or become so intertwined with his soul that he questioned who he was without them. He loved Ben, but that didn’t change a thing.
He couldn’t relive Kansas again, couldn’t bear the brunt of all that hate. And his parents—he barely had them as it was. They would finally have an excuse to get rid of him, to toss him in a military academy or boarding school and leave him there to rot. Then they would be free to live their lives as they had intended while Tim was left with nothing.
He couldn’t stand the idea. Maybe he could handle losing his father, but not his mother or his grandmother with her big open arms. She was just as Catholic and would cry even harder over Tim dooming himself to Hell.
Coward.
That was the word that stood out most the next time Tim heard Ben sing. He knew Ben would be at the high school talent show, performing a song with Allison. They had been practicing for months. Tim didn’t want to go, but his friends had egged him on, not wanting to miss making fun of all the losers. But even they had taken a break from flinging insults when Ben and Allison broke into song.
Ben had found Tim, searching the audience until their eyes met. Then Ben sang like never before. His voice had always brought Tim to new emotional heights, but now it smacked him down, cutting him just as much as it had once healed him.
The verses of the song couldn’t have been more appropriate, crafted just for him, andcowardwas the word that stung the most. Because it was true.Frozenstood out too, but more as sage advice. Over the coming weeks, Tim tried to kill his emotions, to clamp down on his love for Ben. Eventually he began to get the hang of it. He tore up the letter Ben left in his locker that said there wouldn’t be any trouble from the police. And when Tim went to his studio, shredding the painting of Ben’s face with a box knife, he didn’t feel a thing. Almost.
There were parties and there were friends, and when Tim’s parents bothered to turn their attention to him, it wasn’t with sorrow or hate. That’s more than Tim could say for himself when he looked in the mirror. But he pressed on, because that’s all anyone could do. Just keep moving on.
When the doorbell rang one evening, Tim remained in bed. For a while he had been on edge, expecting Ben to do something crazy, but he no longer had that fear. Not after the song Ben had sung. A pang of doubt came when his mother called him from downstairs, but her voice sounded much too happy for the visitor to be Ben. He soon saw why.
Waiting at the bottom of the stairs was a beautiful girl, exchanging pleasant words with his mother, to which Ella responded with smiles and happy little laughs.
“Stacy!” Tim said, not hiding his surprise. “Come on up.”
His mother made a face, like he was being naughty and she approved. The idea hadn’t even occurred to him.
“Not bad,” Stacy said when she was in his room, walking around and inspecting the details.
They had gotten along well over the past month. Ever since her drunken pass at him—or vice versa—she had treated him with a little more respect. And she never mentioned Ben. Done looking around, she sat on the edge of the bed. Tim seriously hoped she wasn’t here to take him up on that offer.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Darryl is planning to ask Krista to the prom.”
Tim shrugged. “She doesn’t belong to me. I’m not going to get jealous or anything.”
Stacy fixed him with a patient expression. “Darryl,” she repeated. “Think about it.”
True, it was odd for Darryl. He usually chose from the circle of girls who wished they were popular, girls inevitably dazzled by his status and then dumped as soon as they put out.
“Oh.”
“Exactly,” Stacy said. “I guess he’s looking for a new conquest, something more of a challenge, because we all know what happens on prom night.”
“Should I have a talk with him?” But Tim already knew what she was asking.
“Do you think talking to him would make a difference?” Stacy made a show of checking her nails. “Krista still raves about you. A lot. I know men live for the thrill of the chase, so I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but she regrets that you weren’t her first. I mean, you still could be. She hasn’t made any mistakes, but I know firsthand how pushy Darryl can be.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes.”
And even though Krista had never meant that much to him, Tim hated the idea of Darryl plying her with depth-chargers or some other kind of alcohol before putting his toadish hands all over her. So yes, Tim would take Krista to the prom, take her in any way she saw fit. He would smile at her, whisper sweet words into her ear, and make her feel like a princess—but he wouldn’t feel a thing. He knew now that he couldn’t. * * * * *
Despite his resolve, Tim still felt a spark the next time he ran into Ben. They hadn’t seen each other since the talent show two months ago. Just the sight of him was enough to conjure up conflicting emotions. Ben was wearing a pale green polo shirt with an ice cream cone stitched on the left side of his chest. That he had a summer job now made Tim feel empty, like they were already strangers.
Ben seemed distracted, looking at the houses beyond the bike path. He hadn’t yet noticed Tim or the two people he was with. Bryce was on his left. Tim could tell from his low chuckle that he had noticed Ben. On his right was Bryce’s cousin Trey, visiting for the summer and also the one to blame for them walking. They were on their way back from buying weed, and Trey was jittery, not wanting them to drive in case they were pulled over.
“Well, well. If it isn’t the village faggot!” Bryce rumbled.
Ben was startled, noticing them at last. First he looked up at Bryce. Then he saw Tim. When their eyes met, Tim tried to send him a telepathic message.Just keep walking. Don’t stop and don’t respond.
