Page 8 of Something Like Daybreak
Jace sighed. “I know, but as I said, it’s more like a trip or a vacation.”
“You being gone is bad enough,” Ben said. “It’s the person who will come back that concerns me most. You won’t be Jace anymore!”
“I might be. If that’s what you need. Some people here have more than one identity.”
Ben thought about a mother he’d seen at a playground recently. She had carried her child to the swings to push him. But then another woman approached, and the mother had become a man to embrace the newcomer. Later, when the child was done playing and ran over, the mother became a woman again. “I’ve seen that,” Ben said. “But I also don’t feel any attachment to my previous lives.”
“Not even the Scottish woman who was obsessed with pigeons?”
Ben rolled his eyes. “I never should have told you about that.”
“You didn’t need to. I was the mailman who wrote fake letters from other people just so I had an excuse to deliver them to you.”
“But we never got married. Or even hooked up.”
“No. But we did feed the birds together. Remember?”
Ben felt an ache in his heart. “In a few lives, yeah. Including the most recent. Do you remember feeding the ducks? Toward the end?”
Jace grimaced in pain as he nodded. “I don’t want to leave you, Ben.”
“Then don’t!”
“I have to. Victor needs this. And I’m pretty sure that I do too.” Jace withdrew his hands. “I get jealous sometimes. Of everything that you and Tim got to experience. All the decades you spent together, raising a child, meeting your grandchildren, caring for each other as you grew old… I was cheated of that.”
“Wewere cheated of it,” Ben said.
“That’s true. Victor has it even worse. We tend to dwell on our most recent lifetime. You know enough about his to see that it wasn’t happy. Not like it should have been. I think he would have gotten there eventually, if not for…” He shook his head.
“I want him to find peace,” Ben said. “But I don’t want to lose you again. For good this time.”
“Because I’ll be different? You changed from when we saw each other last. How could you not after living for so long? But when you finally arrived here, it was still you, and I’ll still be me. Just with the benefit of new experiences.”
Ben understood what he meant. His past lives weren’t completely different people. Music had always been central to most of them. Even the Scottish woman liked playing bagpipes, the weirdo. And he knew that Tim was often drawn to the visual arts. Everyone had their own way of connecting with the universe. Although that too could evolve and change. Writing had become more important to Ben as he grew older. Jace might discover new aspects of his personality, or different ways to engage with the world around him. And while Ben didn’t begrudge him that, he still feared what it might result in.
“You could come with me,” Jace said. “I’m told that most souls travel in groups.”
“But I’m so happy,” Ben said. “I finally have everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“And yet that happiness depends on everything remaining the same.”
“Meaning?”
“That maybe we both have a few more lessons to learn.” Jace reached for him again. “Change can be beneficial.”
Ben stretched out on the couch, resting his head on Jace’s chest. “I don’t want to grow. I want to stay right here with you and stagnate. I want us to get completely bored with being happy. Then maybe I’ll be willing to try. Just give me a few more millennia of this.”
“Okay,” Jace said. “I’ll stay.”
Ben should have felt relief. Instead he experienced a surge of guilt. Nobody could convince Victor to stay. After he left, Jacewould watch over him from here, witnessing how Victor grew old and had all the experiences that he felt robbed of. That was what finally made Ben cry. He loved Jace too much to chain him down, even if the reason was as noble as love.
“It’s okay,” Jace said while stroking Ben’s hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yes you are,” Ben croaked. “I won’t let you stay, because you’re right. I hate it, but it’s only fair. Whatever life you end on, it should be the happiest imaginable. That’s what you deserve. And what I want for you.”
“I want you to be happy too,” Jace said, a question in his voice.
Ben couldn’t leave. Everyone he knew and loved was here. His parents. Allison. Greg and Michelle, and even Marcello… His heart longed to see Jason again, but that would resolve itself with time. He could wait. Lord knew he had practice. Decades’ worth.
