Page 140 of When Ben Loved Tim
“I love you.”
Tim pushes himself up to gaze down at me. I still can’t read what’s behind those eyes. They say ignorance is bliss, and I do feel happy, in this fleeting moment. He’s everything I ever wanted. My heart swells, filled with so much for him that I fear it’s going to come apart at the seams. I always knew he’d break it. One way or another.
I let him push me to the brink. I’m not even touching myself anymore. I don’t need to. When I moan, he growls. Together we take the leap, briefly achieving a new height, but that only increases how far we fall. Tim collapses onto me. I clutch him close, but I can already feel him slipping away. I don’t want to let go. He doesn’t either, judging from how long we lay there holding each other. He stays inside of me. By the time he pulls out, the pain is much worse than when we first started, all of it emotional.
I swallow against more tears. Then I sit up and swing my legs over the mattress. Tim gets out of bed and gestures for me to wait. I watch him go to his desk and switch on a lamp. He returns with an envelope and hands it to me. Then he brings his mouth close to my ear and whispers. “I got in.”
I look at him in surprise and hastily pull out the acceptance letter, needing to see it with my own eyes. I open my mouth to say something. He shakes his head and hands me my clothes before grabbing his own. My pulse is racing as we get dressed. Tim got accepted into the same school as me. This could change everything!
I feel a pang of uncertainty. The future is one thing. What about the present?
I’m puzzled when Tim puts on his blue shoes. He smiles at me and tilts his head toward the door. This is new! We leave his room together, part of me desperately hoping that his parents will catch us. I’m even tempted to trip and make a noise so they’ll wake up. But I don’t, because outing him won’t solve the real issue. Tim needs to accept himself. Instead of trying to please everyone else at his own expense.
“What are we doing?” I ask when we’re safely at the end of his driveway.
“I’m walking you home.” Tim says, leading the way. He pulls the acceptance letter out of his back pocket. “What do you think?”
“That it’s our last hope,” I say from around a constricting throat.
Tim’s smile falters. “Yeah. I figured.”
“So you’re going? Have you sent your response yet?”
Tim shakes his head. “I’m still working on my parents.”
“Oh.”
He nudges me. “It’s not like all the other stuff. They don’t have a religious reason for not wanting me to go.”
“Aside from them preferring a Catholic school.”
“I guess,” he admits. “My mom likes that I’d be closer. And it’s cheaper. They aren’t against it. But uh… Is there any point?”
“What do you mean?”
He stops and turns toward me. “Do I still have a boyfriend?”
I take a deep breath. I can see our entire future laid out before us, and it’s bright and beautiful, except for the silhouette of a person who is standing in the way. “Are you still going to prom with Krista?”
He returns the letter to his back pocket. “Yeah. I have to.”
“Then I can’t be your boyfriend,” I tell him.
A breeze rustles the freshly unfurled leaves above us. Tim’s head is bowed, his handsome features lost in shadow, but I want to see them one more time. I place my hand on his cheek, so that he’ll look at me. His expression is sullen. If he didn’t care about me, he wouldn’t feel sad, or fight to go to the same school. Maybe that’s enough. For now.
“But after prom is over,” I say, “if you’re ever single again…” I shrug and leave it at that.
He kisses me, and I allow myself to forget all the reasons I shouldn’t kiss him back.
“Wanna keep going?” he asks when letting go of me.
I shake my head with a subtle smile. “I’ll find my own way.”
I walk backwards a few steps, our eyes locked until the moment I turn away. High school is almost over. Everything must come to an end. I went to him tonight intending to say goodbye. But maybe, when summer finally arrives, it’ll be the start of something new.
* * * * *
A melancholy settles over me the day before prom. So many people in school are buzzing with an excited energy. The rest of us put on brave smiles while telling ourselves that such things don’t matter. And maybe that’s how some people really feel. I wouldn’t have cared as much, if Tim didn’t want to go to prom at all. If we could have simply been together tomorrow night, that would have been fine with me.
